Mending Wounds

Chapter 7

I sat there with my knees to my chest next to him on the bed. He asked me to stay and I did, but that didn't mean that I would cuddle him or let him use me a human pillow. I kept my promise of staying in on my terms. I placed my head down on my arms, head tilted to the side as I watched Cole sleep like a child. Being in the same room and bed as he left me restless and sleepless despite it being 4 a.m.
I couldn't help feeling a little weird and overwhelmed with the face that I was right here next to him at a time of like this. Before everything fell apart, this is the last moment of silence I remember having before the art show that night. I remember sitting in the same position as I watched Cole sleep with an overwhelmed heart as I recalled the event that led us to be right here on this bed. They were moment I wish I could re-live and change. Perhaps if I convinced him to stay in bed with me for the day and ditch the art show, we wouldn't have ended in such a painful way.
I was hard, being this close but not close enough. Sitting here watching him instead of being wrapped in his arms like he usually held me at night. No matter how much I hate it, I still remember how sleeping next to him at night felt. I missed it even. I remember how warm he felt late at night when the room was freezing cold; I remember how he wrapped his arm around me and brought me to his chest; I remember the way his lips felt against my forehead when he kissed me good night; and I remember the feeling of his warm breath against my ear when he whispered I loved you late at night and the goose bump it gave. I remember that all because no one could ever make me feel the way he did, nor anyone have ever tried too. And no matter how much I hate it, I missed all of it every day since the last time.
What Ben and I have can't even compare of what I had with Cole; Not the I was comparing. With Ben everything felt different, everything felt safe and just normal. There was never a moment with Ben that I looked back at and thought 'Oh, that's probably my most favourite moment of our relationship' or 'I wish that this would last forever'. Being with Ben felt like I was living in the moment, like I am right where I have to be. But nevertheless, being with him gave me a sense of direction and a sense of how to put my life together. Ben was the key, the key to the rocket ship that would take me to mars; earth being my life and mars being my glued together life.
Cole was the meteorite that caused the earth 'My life' to explode. He was the one who took my life and blew it up to pieces after I thought I had my shit together. It wasn't always like that though. Being with Cole was everything I ever wanted and needed; with him I felt importance, needed, and like I am my own person for the first time in my life. He taught me to stand up to myself and that I have a voice of my own. Cole was the one who picked up all the puzzles that were scattered and around and showed me how to build my life together; but then he also showed me how easy it was for it to be destroyed in a mere- second.
"Did the night owl guard take a nap? Because I think you're taking it's shift" Cole said with a small smile. It was something he used to always tell me when he caught me wide awake at night.
"I can't sleep" I told him.
"You never could, even back then" he mumbled "Of course back then I would just hold you until you do"
I smiled at the memory "You did"
"if you think about it now, maybe I just held you too tight to the point you passed out" he said "That would explain why I couldn't wake you up in the morning"
I chuckled. I then ran my hand through my hair "I should go" I said as I attempted to move.
He held onto my wrist "You don't have to though" he said "You can stay here with me. We shared a bed before so it's not a big deal"
"If you don't remember, I have a boyfriend now" I reminded him.
He chuckled "I asked you to stay, not to have sex with me, Sophia" he said "Plus, you slept here almost a dozen time when we were just friends, Remember?"
I turned to him "But not like this" I told him.
"Not when you know you still have feelings for me?" he asked.
I shook my head "I don't have feelings for you anymore" I lied "Not the ones that you're thinking about at least"
He smirked "Prove it then" he said "Stay here tonight and prove to me that you're not running away out of fear because of your feelings for me"
I folded my hand over my chest as I sunk back into the bed next to him "I'm not scared, and I don't have feeling for you" I told "I'm not staying because of your reverse psychology you're playing at, I'm staying to prove a point"
He smiled then nodded "Of course you are"
I led on my back, while Cole was still on his side facing me. I arms were still folded over my chest; I didn't know what to do with them, so I just kept them there. I turned my head to the side to see him smirk, so in frustration, I turned to give him my back. He chuckled in response before we fell into silence.
"Soph" he called a few minutes later.
I hummed a yes, eyes closed and on the verge of sleep.
"Did you mean what you said the other day?" he asked.
I turned to look at him confused "What are you talking about, Cole?"
I watch as he fuddles with the blanket over us, eyes looking everyone but to me.
"About me ruining love for you?" he mumbled.
I sighed as I laid back on my back, steering at the ceiling as I tried to put my words and thoughts together "You didn't ruin love for me" I told him "I just have a hard time moving on and trusting people. I said things that I didn't mean because I was angry and hurt"
"But you did" He pointed out "I ruined everything like I always do. Just like Alex said"
I shook my head again "It doesn't matter anymore. What happened, happened. There's nothing we can do about it other than move on" I told him "I mean that's we did, right? You moved on and I did too, so there's no reason why we should stop doing what we're already doing. We're better off as friends"
He sighed "I don't know how to be friends with you"
"I don't know how to either" I sighed back "Guess we will have to make it up as we go"
"Since we are staring now, can I ask you something as a friend that cares about you?" he asked, receiving a nod from me "Are you happy with him?"
I looked at him confused "Ben?"
He nodded "Are you happy with him?" he repeated.
I nodded "Yeah. He's good to me, not too attached, and gives me the peace of mind that I need. He reminds me that I matter, and I'm needed" I honestly said "I don't know how to describe it, but yeah, he makes me happy"
"But he's not really involved in your life" he pointed out "I rarely hear about you going on dates, never ever met the guy, and never actually seen you text or call him. Not once"
I turn my head so that I'm looking at the ceiling "I was only around you for less than two days before I went M.I.A" I told him "But yeah, we're are not attached at the hips. I have to focus on my classes and Ben works most of the time and lives in a place that has so many rules and regulations that restricts a lot of his activities including coming out on dates often. I go see him there often, it's easier for me to go in rather than him coming out"
"Restricts his activities?" he smirked "Is that a part of reason why you two haven't had any sexual action yet?"
I looked at him offended before I got off the bed "Not that my sexual life is any of your business, but Ben and I been down that road multiple times. It's my choice that I'm still a virgin" I said annoyed as I stood then stood up "It's not wrong that I want to make sure that I'm losing it to a person that I want to end up with, to have it with someone special"
He looked at me offended as well "I was just asking you a question, there's no need for you to get so pissed off" he said "You're the one who wanted us to talk and treat each other like friends. This is ME doing that"
I shook my head "YOU shouldn't be asking these kind of questions" I told him "My sex life is something that I don't even talk about with my friends. And please, it wasn't as if you just wanted to talk about it, you were throwing shade at the fact that I haven't had sex with him because I still have feelings for you and can't stop thinking about you when I'm with him like that"
He looked at me dumbfounded "You think of me when you're with him like that?"
I groaned in frustration "That's not what I am saying"
He sat up, taking a seat at the edge of the bed across where I was sitting "Than what are you saying? Because just now you said that the only reason why you hadn't had sex with him is because he's not the one, you have feelings for me, and that you can't stop thinking of me when you're with him" he pointed out "I've been hearing all the reasons why you should break up with him and come back to me, and none about the reason why we should stay friends instead of fixing what we had"
"Because I can't be with someone who packs his bags and leaves whenever something wrong happens" I told him "I need stability, I need comfort, I need trust, I need a safety net that I can fall on, and I need to be with a grown-up that behaves and listens like an adult instead of throwing tantrum"
I rolled his eyes "What the fuck is this? A fucking marriage?"
"Might as well be. You said you want me back right? Are you ready for that sort of things in the future? Have you thought about us being married at some point? Because we never once talked about it before either" I told him "If you want to be with me, Cole, are you ready for the fact that i want to be married by the age of twinty five? that's only 4 years and a half from now, are you ready for that?"
"You're such a hypocrite" he said "You want to talk about marrige? What about you and Ben, huh? Is that going to lead to a fucking marrige? Can you honestly tell me that whatever you two have will lead to a marrige of that you thought about it ever ending like that?"
No, no I never thiught about it that way with Ben.
I took a dep breath in attempt of calming myself before I'd say things I can never take back "I'm going to leave before we both say things we don't mean" I said s I backed up to the door "And as for you and Alex, you guys better fix whatever shit you both are going throught because that's just going to end of us all"