If You Leave - Leonardo DiCaprio

0.8

Jim and I didn't think it'd happen to us. It was just an occasional thing at first. Then it quickly became every day. In the mornings even.

Jim didn't spiral until Bobby died though. I'll never forget the day he got the news. He came back from school in the middle of the day, climbing up the fire escape up to my window, still in his school uniform.

He heaved the window open, startling me as I attempted to make some noodles. "Whoa, Jim you scared the shit out of me!" I said. Then I noticed his tear stained face as he fumbled through the window and slammed it shut. "Hey, are you okay?" I asked.

He hugged his knees to his chest on my bed, burying his face. I sat down beside him. "Talk to me." I whispered. "It's Bobby. He's dead." He looked at me, pain written all over his face. "He's gone, Kate. He was supposed to get better." He'd said.

He stayed with me the rest of the day, doing any drugs we had to numb the pain. I just wanted him to feel better. That's when he fell down the hole.

The same thing happened to Mickey and Pedro, but I never really shot up with them, just did a couple lines here and there. We were always at the apartment hanging out, smoking weed, the usual.

How Neutron managed to get out is beyond me. I think the robbery is what scared him most.

I remember them telling me I shouldn't go with them. They hadn't really said what they were going to do, but I could tell they weren't up to any good when they were parading around in black masks.

"We'll be back soon, don't worry." Jim had said, squeezing my hand before they walked out the door. They returned shortly after, panting from the running and adrenaline. They showed me the gift bag and purse they'd won from "someone who could afford to lose them."

I never knew it was an old lady.

The boys gave me the gift bag and I opened it up. Beautiful earrings and perfume. They must have been well over $300.

"Wow, guys look." I said. I showed them the beautiful blue velvet box with the diamond teardrop earrings. And the sweet Ralph Lauren perfume.

"Merry Christmas, Kate." Pedro had said.

Those earrings were long gone by now. We ended up pawning them for $200 to feed into our addictions. Coke, weed, heroin, pills. Anything we could get our hands on.

I woke up in bed from the light streaming in. I was in a giant T-shirt and shorts. Jim laid across the end of my bed, still in his jeans and tank top. I looked around and saw the boys asleep on the couch and floor.

I quietly stepped over them and went to the bathroom.

It was when I washed my hands that I took a good look at myself. The girl in the mirror wasn't me. My skin had faded to grey and my lips were white. I looked so so tired. I felt so so tired. When was the last time I showered? My hair was so greasy. I touched my face gently. All I could feel was skin stretched over my skull, my cheeks were so hollow.

That's when I noticed my fingers and arms. My fingers looked like a chicken bone, and you could easily see that the fat on my arms was non existent.

I looked away quickly and left the bathroom. I sat in bed and grabbed my book. Alice in Wonderland. I started to read and Jim stirred. I peeked over the edge of my book and saw his eyes open gently. He propped himself up as he yawned and smiled at me.

"Good morning sunshine." He said sweetly. "Good morning Jim." I whispered. He pushed my book down gently and looked at me. "Hi." He smiled. I shook my head. "Hello?" I said unsure.

"Last night was fun." He stretched. Last night? I thought to myself. "What'd we do last night?" I asked. "Just the usual. But you were amped, let me tell you." He laughed.

I laughed with him. If I'd gotten too messed up, it was normal for me to forget. How sad that was normal. How sad it was me.

"Well I gotta get to work, but you guys can  stay here." I stripped off my shirt leaving me in my sports bra. Jim looked at me speechless. "Kate, when was the last time we ate?" He asked. I looked down at the rest of me. And I don't even want to describe it to you.

"Jim, i really don't know.." I trailed off. Running my hands over my ribs. "Just- eat something at work okay?" He stood and took my hands in his. He looked so sad. His eyes were hopeful.

"You know you're still beautiful right?" He asked. I looked up at him confused. "Are you okay?" I asked. He nodded. "You know how I feel, Kate." He stroked my cheek gently. I nodded. "Yeah."

He smiled. "Good. Now get dressed or you'll be late."

I went back to the bathroom, avoiding my reflection this time. I slipped on some jeans, grabbed my belt and cinched it up, and slipped on a long sleeve hoodie.

I put my shoes on by the door, and left.

It was so so hard staying awake at work. My head would slip off my hand and onto the counter if I wasn't careful enough. I still woke up for customers thanks to the welcome bell.

At 9:00 I locked up and headed home. "Kate! Hey Kate!" A man ran up behind me and walked with me when he caught up. I looked to him. "Neutron?" I asked.

He smiled. "Yeah, it's me. How've you been, how are the guys?" He asked. I looked at him closely. He looked good. Very healthy and fit. He wore his letterman proudly sported his All-American patch on the sleeve.

"All-American, huh? Look at you go Neutron." I smiled. He laughed, "Yeah, it was hard but I made it. But really Kate, how are you?" He stopped us in our tracks and looked at me. Searching my face for any clues. His eyes got big once he realized what exactly I looked like.

"Kate, what are you doing?" He asked. I shook my head. "Just been working and hanging out with the guys is all." I shrugged and looked at my shoes.

"You seem a lot, uh, smaller since the last time I saw you, Kate. You don't look so good. When's the last time you ate something huh? When's the last time you went a day sober, huh? What the hell are you doing?" He asked, his voice rising higher and higher in sound.

"I don't need no babysitter, I'm fine." I said. Yeah right. If anyone needed a babysitter it sure as hell was me. The anger rose up in me, it was like something else was taking over my body.

"Look, if you ever decide to put down the dope, let me know. I miss you. And Jim, and Mickey, and Pedro, but I'm not gonna let myself fall into the same shithole you just crawled out of." He turned on his heel and walked away.

I watched him and scoffed. Who the fuck did he think he was? He had no idea what it was like to be. me. No clue what it meant to be alone, or to have no one.

But I did. And at least now I wasn't alone. I had Jim. and Mickey and Pedro.

I wish I would've taken Neutrons advice earlier.