If You Leave - Leonardo DiCaprio

0.9

It was weird seeing Neutron after all that time. Telling me everything I already knew, as if it would change anything. Did I have a problem? You bet your ass. Was I going to do anything about it? Nope.

I liked the way it felt. I liked how Jim and I connected when we were high. I liked the way he liked me.

I opened the door to the apartment and saw the guys sitting around, doing some lines, rolling a couple joints.

"Hey, Kate, how was work?" Mickey blandly asked. I nodded. "Yeah, it was alright. Ran into Neutron after. This fucker had the nerve to ask me what we'd been up to and shit." I shook my head and popped open a beer, taking a long swig of it.

Jim rolled his eyes. "You don't need to be talking to him anyway." He said. I gave him an odd look. "What do you mean? He was nice at first then he had the bright idea to talk shit. I didn't see him long, what's the big deal?" I asked.

Jim looked pissed. "Everyone knows you're my girl, you aren't his concern anymore." He yelled. "Excuse me? Your girl? When did you ever ask me to be your girl? Huh?" I asked him. He didn't answer.

"I ain't nobodys girl. If you're referring to all the "you know how I feel about you"s you've told me, that doesn't fuckin' count, Jim!" I yelled, getting closer to his face.

"Fuck outta my face, Kate!" He yelled. He shoved my head away and I ended up hitting my face against the wall.

I steadied myself and looked at him. The boys' eyes got big and I wiped my nose, clearing the blood from underneath it.

I shook my head. "Nice move, boyfriend. Really think I wanna be your girl now? Think again." I walked into the bathroom and leaned my head over the sink, making sure to kick the door closed behind me.

After a while, I ended up sitting on the floor of the bathroom, while I heard little conversation in the other room.

I heard a soft knock at the door. "Kate? It's me. Can I come in?" Jim said in a quiet voice. I sighed and reached up to the knob, and turned it slowly, letting the door fall open.

He looked down at me with a sad half-smile and closed the door behind him. He sat down next to me.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that, or shoved you.  I guess I can be a little unpredictable when I do too many lines, yeah?" He nudged my shoulder. I nodded tiredly.

"You gonna be my girl?" He asked. I sighed and nodded again. He smiled and let out a little chuckle. "Yeah, you do know how I feel about you, huh?"

I looked to him. And I saw my Jim. Just for a moment, he was mine. He leaned in and stole a sweet soft kiss. Brushing the hair out of my face and behind my ear.

We stayed that way for a while. This touch ignited a dull spark in my heart, a spark I hadn't felt in a very long time.

After a few months of being together, it was always Jim and me at the apartment, no matter who was there. He'd been nicer than the night we made it clear we were together. But it still wasn't normal.

"Alright, Mickey and I are headed out. We'll be back soon. Love you!" Jim called. He'd used 'love you' so loosely. I knew it didn't mean anything. But he was mine and that's all that mattered. I knew he liked me. Maybe loved the fact I was constant in his life. Maybe loved the fact I was a good lay for him. But loved me? No.

It'd been quiet since Pedro got locked up a couple weeks ago. He was always the unpredictable one. Or maybe that was Mickey? I don't know, I lost track. But things were certainly livelier when he was around.

Since then, Jim and Mickey had been hanging around the subway bathrooms, looking to make a couple bucks from the old pervs that came around there.

Did it disturb me? Hell yeah. Did I care since they brought home some junk to cook up? Absolutely not.

Being a junkie, you'd think I would've blown all my hoard of money that I'd hidden over the years. But you'd be wrong. The trick, is hiding it from yourself. Luckily, I was good at that.

Now, I knew where the sock was, but it was hard to get to, considering I'd lost all strength I used to have, but when you're not physically looking at the hiding spot, it's easier to keep yourself from touching the money.

Ain't no way I'm telling the boys about the money. They'd tear the place apart in seconds looking for it. Or beat my ass since I didn't tell them sooner.

They never really told the stories of the men they encountered, but by the looks on their faces, they weren't fond of the prostitution.

The look on Jim's face when he wanted me was different than that thankfully.

We'd gotten used to doing it around Mickey and Pedro, but only when they were passed out, or at least seemed like they were. Not gonna lie, it's fun as hell with Jim. But still not exactly the spark that satisfies the soul when you're fucking the person you love.

I do love Jim. I'd do anything for him. I have done anything for him. That's the kicker. Fucking ain't the kinda thing you do with someone you love. With fucking, there's a certain passion you have, for the feeling at least.

When you love someone, that's what you make. Love. So, yeah, I guess you'd say, I make love, and Jim fucks. And that's okay too.

I'd grown pretty okay with the fact that Jim didn't love me. He convinced himself he did, but I wasn't so easily won over.

When he'd fuck me, he'd tell me over and over "God, I love you," "oh fuck, I love you," I love you, I love you, blah blah blah.

The sex felt unreal when we were high which was 80% of the time. Everything felt euphoric times ten. But the 20% of the time we weren't high, it was okay. Still passionate, still gets him off, but it was only the fact he didn't love me that kept me from ever finishing.

I wanted love. Real love. And I wanted it with Jim. Just wish I wasn't just a fuck when I was making love.