guilt | kihyuk

April 14th, 2019

There a silence in the venue after Kihyun had asked everyone to stop talking. Usually this time in the concert is used to interact with the audience but Kihyun wanted something else that day.
He was now used to seeing fans with signs that were about Minhyuk or even pictures of him during the concerts but that day it hit differently for some reason. When he saw that sign, Minhyuk's picture on it looking so ethereal as always, and that simple phrase written above it 'we miss you always. Rest in peace angel', Kihyun felt something change in his heart. He had reached happiness again these days, he was fighting for Min now, but seeing that felt like a punch in the stomach cutting his breath off leaving him suffocating in place.
The five boys also on stage turned to Kihyun as confused as the audience. But when they heard Kihyun sing a part of their song 'Blue Moon' they understood. Loud gasps were heard in the venue when Kihyun's voice cracked and Kihyun's best friends ran to hug their friend who was crying singing along to that song. They knew how much singing that song meant. It used to be Minhyuk's favorite song, he would always play it so much that everyone had got tired of it at some point but hearing it again today, hurt. It was not long until the five boys joined in singing with Kihyun and then the audience. At that moment Kihyun could not focus on anything else than Minhyuk silently wondering 'Do you hear me Min?'

That night, when Kihyun went back to his empty house after reassuring his friends that he would be fine on his own, he could not think straight. He sat on the floor holding his phone with shaky hands and he dialed the number hoping that it wouldn't have been taken down, not yet..
"Hello this is Minhyuk's phone! I can't answer you now but call me again because I swear I never listen to voicemails" followed by a soft chuckle, it's still there. A part of Kihyun somehow wished someone would have answered his call. Just so it would have been settled for good. But the other was dying to hear Min's voice again, the happiness he radiated even just by hearing him through the phone.

Kihyun decided to enter the room, once more, Minhyuk's previous room. Min's soft smell was still present, caressing Kihyun's nose once again.
Kihyun went to the bed and rest on it, his head turned towards the pillow so that he could smell Min again and again.
'What do I have left now?' Kihyun whispered as the scent lingered and brought back memories to him. His eyes moved in the direction of the pills carefully put in the piece of furniture right in front of him. Hesitation.

--

I remember you sleeping peacefully by my side. I remember watching you in the mornings, wondering what did I ever do to deserve such an amazing man, fond of the way you'd smile while you were asleep. I remember wondering what you dreamed of and you who would always tease me refusing to tell me. I remember the way your body would cling onto mine every night. I remember it all Min. As if you knew the day we'd part would come you were holding onto me, giving me more love than I've ever deserved. Like an idiot I could not reassure you and tell you that I will always love you, Lee Minhyuk. I am terribly sorry for I have never been able to give back what you gave me. I could not love you enough. I did not deserve your love either.
Ever since I needed someone to hold on to, someone to take me away from the darkness, someone to make me smile, someone to make me happy you were there Minhyuk.

'How can I remember you as an happy memory Min? How to do that when guilt is killing me more every day?'

Kihyun stared at the pills helplessly trying to find an answer.
The man fell asleep crying and holding onto that smell he forever loved.