I'm In Love With Me?

Chapter 25

"I know this is not the time but what are your thoughts on us?" Dylan broke our five minute silence with those words. I wasn't expecting him to ask this and so it caught me off guard. I was so taken by surprise that I honestly didn't know what to say. Had I thought about this before? Of course. Had I pondered on what's my next move with Dylan? Definitely. But here I was completely unprepared despite thinking about this several times.

I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and took a deep breath before speaking. "I don't think I want to get into a relationship right now." I told him truthfully. I realised that during three months ago, I sort of slowly started feeling less for Dylan. He was my crush for years and God alone knew how many times I dreamt about Dylan asking me this very question. In my dreams however, I never answered with what I did just now.

Dylan looked disappointed. He looked down at his shoes, a frown finding its way on his lips. I didn't like the expression I was seeing on his face. He looked like I kicked him right where I knew it would hurt. I didn't want to continue to lead him on or made him think that we would date again because that would hurt him later down the road and I didn't want to see him hurt. So that's why I was doing this now. "Is it because of the thing with your parents? I can give you some time and we can continue where we left off when everything is back to normal."

"It's not that." I cut him off and he closed his eyes for a split second. "I just don't see myself dating soon. We're leaving for college in like a few months so it makes no sense to start something right now." I explained and he shifted, his brows furrowed.

"So that's what it is about? College?" He wasn't fully getting it and I was beginning to run out of words for a proper explanation. I understood that he had a crush on me for a long time and so did I, but things changed.

"It's not entirely about college, Dylan." I was getting a bit aggravated now. Just a bit. My head was killing me too so I was a tad bit snappy. He shrunk back and I sighed, lowering my voice. "I'm in a stage in life where I'm so confused." That was the truth. Everything was confusing. Especially my feelings. For instance, I really liked Dylan then I started liking Caspien too. I didn't exactly know how that happened and when it happened but it did, and it was damn confusing. "I need time for myself. I need time to focus on finals. So I'm sorry but I think we shouldn't date anymore." He was silent. I fiddled with the edge of my coat, nervously. I just wanted him to say something. I didn't want him to be mad or anything. I felt like this was the best choice to make. Especially to avoid hurting each other.

Complete truth was that I liked Caspien. A lot. I knew we would never be anything but at the same time I wouldn't dare treat Dylan as some kind of substitute. I was honest about wanting time for myself and my studies. That was the truth. My dating life would be non-existent until college.

"Okay. I understand." He finally answered and I relaxed. "Um, so no dating. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop caring for you or looking out for you." I smiled at him. How nice of him. You're probably saying, 'Lenna is so stupid and ungrateful. Why wouldn't she want a sweetheart like Dylan.' I knew, okay? "If you change your mind though, I'll be waiting." I didn't answer to that. Instead I gave a tight lipped smile then returned my gaze to the sky.

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When I returned to my room, Caspien was gone. I was half disappointed and half grateful for that. I went to bed right away.

The next morning, I found aunt Jackie in my kitchen making breakfast. To say I was surprised was an understatement. I didn't know the last time I saw aunt Jackie, much less talked to her over the phone. At one point in time, she went M.I.A on everyone. At least now some part of my soul could rest seeing that she was alive.