Bad Timing

XXXV

After dinner, my dad insists I be the one to walk Ross home.
"Why? Can't Todd do it?"
"Clarisse..." he gives me the eye.
"Fine. Come on," I say to Ross like he's a puppy. He does follow.
"I'll be back," I say to Dean and kiss him on the cheek.
Once Ross and I are walking side by side on the street the silence becomes awkward.
"You didn't say much at dinner," I say to him.
"I didn't really have anything to say," he deadpans back.
"Now why are you mad at me, Ross? I did nothing wrong!" I whisper-shout and zip up my puffer jacket.
"I'm not mad!" He says back.
I roll my eyes and fold my arms over my chest.
"It's just.." he begins.
"Here we go," I interrupt him.
"If this is how this conversation is gonna go then I don't wanna talk. In fact you can just turn around, I'm fine by myself," he speaks shortly.
"No. We both know that if I do that I'm not going to give you another chance to talk," I admit truthfully.
He exhales deeply.
"Claire, I can't get over you," I can see his breath as we walk. The words float around us in circles.
I don't know what to say.
"I've tried. I let myself fall so deeply in love with you I can't get out. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why I couldn't fall in love with my girlfriend until I realized it was you. You and my love for you are keeping me from falling in love with her," the narrative he's speaking sounds too familiar.
"What do you want me to say?" I speak faintly, I feel tears tickle the corners of my eyes.
"I just want you, Claire."
"I'm with Dean, Ross. I have fallen in love with him. It took a long time to fall for him because of you, but now that I'm here and feeling this way, I don't want to give it up and I'm asking you to understand that," I look over at him with my tear stained cheeks.
He stops walking and faces me, "no, don't cry," he wipes tears always with the pad of his thumb.
"God why do you have such bad timing, Ross," I laugh through my tears.
"It's a trait I'm realizing I have," he laughs too. I like laughing with him, and talking with him. Talking as if we aren't two heartbroken people. How can I be in love and heartbroken too? I feel so fulfilled and so empty.
"What it took for me was realizing that part of falling in love with someone else means losing you. It sucks but at this point, if we were meant to be together, we would be together," I say truth.
"This fucking blows," He scoffs and we continue walking, "I should have been the one to take you to my gigs. I should have been the one to kiss you in front of everyone at Hunter's. I should have been the one to meet your parents as your boyfriend. I should have been the one to take you to prom. I should have been the one to help you move in your L.A. apartment. I should have been the one to move you back in to Stanford. I should have been the one who gets to love you everyday."
I let what he just said simmer in my mind, "Well, shoulda, coulda, woulda, right? We aren't in high school anymore. We aren't those people anymore and we never will be those people again," I say.
"Sometimes I wish we were," he admits.
My hand finds Ross's and I let them intertwine with each other.
"Me too," I smile and we walk hand and hand the route I have become so familiar with.
"Like that day you saw me in the pharmacy and I passed out," I laugh, "that day will go down in infamy...for many reasons," I blush.
Ross chuckles a little, "or Tavia's tree house."
"My kids are never getting one if that's what they do in it when they're older," I laugh and he squeezes my hand that lies inside his.
"Or Hunter's guest bedroom," I add.
"It feels like so long ago," he sighs.
"It was so long ago," I shake my head in disbelief. This time two years ago was when I got back together with Ian. I thought my life was crazy then...
"I guess you're right," he laughs faintly.
As we continue walking, that feeling comes back inside of me. The feeling that part of me wishes Ross and I were dating and growing up together. Watching as our lives flourish but still having each other. Maybe we would have out grown each other by now, but maybe we wouldn't have.
"How's UC Santa Barbara?" I try to change the subject and not dwell on my quickening heart rate.
"I don't think I'm going back," Ross admits.
"What? Why?"
"I'm nearly positive I failed all of my finals," he says.
"Ross you say that after every test and always do fine. Remember MacGregor's class? You said it all the time and finished the class with an A average," I laughed.
"It's different this time," he rebuttals.
"How?" I raise an eyebrow at him.
"Because it just different. Everything is different now...without you," he shakes his head.
If I didn't love Dean I would have kissed him right then and there. But I do love Dean, a lot, more than I thought I would. I hate to see Ross hurting though.
"Tell me about your girlfriend," I suggest.
"Ok, well. Her name is Annie. She's a freshman at UCSB, she's really nice. I met her at gig for the band. She's got blonde hair and green eyes. She's really nice, did I already say that? She's the girl I brought to Todd and Harp's wedding," he says.
"Ok so she's blonde and nice...what else is she to you?"
He looks at me with a blank face. That can't be all.
"Ross," I whisper and blink away the second set of tears. He doesn't deserve this. I don't deserve this. Dean doesn't deserve this. Hell, Annie doesn't deserve this.
"Why can't I get over you, Claire? I lay awake at night trying and trying, but I just can't," he yells, not caring who hears.
"If I would have known asking you to the neon football game would have led to this..." I begin but he cuts me off.
"No, don't say that. I don't regret a damn thing," he says.
We reach his house and I turn to face him. His eyes are heavy.
"I'm just so tired of waiting to be over you. And I'm so tired for waiting for you to love me when you love someone else," he frowns.
"Ross if all you need is for me to say those three little words to you, then you don't really want me. You have to get your head out of the past, it's not good for you to dwell," i say.
"I'm just never going to have you, am I?" He asks.
I shake my head ever so slightly, because even I can't be sure in my answer. I shake it visibly enough for him to see.
He removes his hand from the grasp of mine and walks up the stairs leading to his front door.
The walk home is when I really let myself cry, because even though I just said goodnight to Ross, deep down I know that was the end of us and the end of him trying to get me to love him.
When, in all honesty, I do love Ross Adler.