Bad Timing

IV

Homecoming week has come and gone and now it's Friday. My last one, even though last year's felt like my last one, it wasn't. This year is my last one.
"These people really loved school-sanctioned activities," Ross remarks.
"Seems like it," I respond.
"You going to the dance?" He asks me.
"I don't think so," I say honestly. I would much rather be at home watching reruns of Gilmore Girls I think to myself.
"I'm going," Ross says and that shocks me.
"Really, that's surprising," I laugh and he does too.
"You should at least come to the after party," Ross says. He sounds as if he's gone to this school all four years.
"After last weekend? No way. I'm over house parties," we walk to the parking lot.
"It won't be fun without you, Claire," he admits and I wish I could keep that sentence on repeat for eternity.
"Alright, where is it?"
Ross doesn't say anything, he just takes out a blue pen and grabs my hand. I gasp at the contact, he looks up at me.
"Cold hands," I lie. He chuckles a little and writes down the address to the party.
"I'll see you tomorrow, ok?" He speaks before we part ways.
I nod my head and smile before making my way to Todd's car.
Marlena is coming home with us today so I am subject to the backseat.
I fiddle with my nose ring as they argue about what time he should pick her up tomorrow.
When we reach the house I get a text from Harper, she's home.
I squeal and go upstairs to quickly change before heading over to her house.
"Oh my god I've missed you!" She exclaims when she opens the door.
I hug her and we jump around in circles.
We go straight to her backyard to her hammock, aka our favorite place to gossip.
"Soooooo how's DePaul?" I ask eagerly.
"Amazing, Claire. You seriously have to go there with me!"
Did I mention no one knows that I'm applying to Stanford? I decided not to because- you know- damage control in case I don't get in.
"I'm applying!"
"Yay, and the boys, oh my god the boys," she throws her head back in laughter.
I've missed this, I've missed her. She was really the only one I had left at the end of summer when everything went to shit. Harper stayed by my side through it all when all of my other friends were dropping like flies.
"And before you ask, no I haven't seen Ian," she tells me. Little does she know I've already seen him. Ian goes to DePaul with Harper.
"Oh but I did. Last weekend at Hunter's," I admit.
Her mouth gapes open.
"No," she utters.
My eyes widen and I nod my head up and down.
"Why were you at Neilson's in the first place? You know that's Ian territory," she says and hits her Juul.
"I didn't think he would be there. It was a Friday, September night in New Jersey and he lives in Chicago," I shake my head of the memory.
"Well I'll be damned then," she looks up at the trees.
"He looked good," I admit.
"Ian Griswold always looks good," she rebuttals. She's right.
"So what are we doing tonight?" I change the subject.
"I was thinking we could go to Elise's?"
My eyes widen and my stomach drops.
"She hates me," I say back.
"It's been a month, we are all over it," Harper tries to console me but I know she is wrong.
"I still have to go to school with half the group, trust me, they aren't over it," I tell her.
"Well, we could stay here, order pizza, watch movies, catfish people on Tinder," she laughs.
We order Al's Pizza and watch Almost Famous.
"I needed this," Harper says will a mouthful of pizza.
"Same," I say.
"How's Todd?" She inquires.
"Fine. Still dating Marlena. I helped him with college apps last weekend so that was a bit of a breakthrough," I say.
"That's good. And your dad and Lilith?"
"They're good, I don't really see them that often. They are either at work or asleep when I'm home," I shrug and turn back to the movie.
I leave Harper's at midnight and walk back to my house.
He's sitting on my front step waiting for me when I see him. He sees me and stands up.
"Jesus, Ian, I would think Chicago on Friday night would be better than Saddle Brook, New Jersey," I say as I approach him.
"Claire," is all he says back.
"Save it," I tell myself to move past him and go inside but my feet feel as if honey is keeping them stick to the ground.
"It's not my fault, you know, that this happened. It's just as much your fault as it is mine," he tells me.
He knows what he did. He left me, "you don't get to tell me this shit."
"I love you," the words pour out of his mouth and onto the pavement where our feet stand facing each other.
"Go fuck yourself," I cry and lift my feet out of the honey to walk past him and into the house.
I can't stop the tears from falling out of my eyes and onto my face.
He can't just say that to me! He can't tell me he loves me! Besides how am I supposed to believe the dick!
But then I think of his heavy eyes and the laughs we used to share, the inside jokes we made, our first time.
It makes me want to fall in love with him again.
But then I remember August. Just last month. It feels like yesterday but it feels like a year ago at the same time.
I think of the way he looked at me in that moment. I think of the way he left me to pick up the pieces. I think of how he got to leave and go somewhere else and how I'm stuck here dealing with the repercussions every day.
But then I think about when we were in love. When I wouldn't respond with "go fuck yourself" when he told me he loved me. I would tell him I love him too and then we would kiss. When he got a heart tattoo and it was for me but we didn't tell anyone it was for me. When he used to visit me late at night and sneak up into my bedroom Todd style. When we would make love and say each other's names.
When he told me, "I am made for you, Claire. I was put on this fucking planet just for you." And then we felt asleep naked in each other's arms.
I wipe my nose and brush the tears away. That's not how it's like anymore. I think to myself. My life isn't like that anymore. I have to move on, I have to put Ian Griswold out of my mind, just as he did that August night at Hunter Neilson's house.