Bad Timing

XXI

We explain that we went to a party and that we had to walk home because we were still drunk. Ian knows that I used to have something or other with Ross.  But he doesn't care- he trusts me which is the hardest part.
Ross leaves and I put the flowers Ian got me in a vase. Speckled orchids, my favorite.
We go upstairs and sit on my bed, he tries to kiss me but I don't know what to do so I just go in for a hug instead.
"Ugh I just am so happy you're here!" I hug him tightly.  At first he's confused and doesn't hug me back, but eventually he does.
"Claire, did you cheat on me?" He asks bluntly.
I stop hugging him and look straight into his eyes. I can't read him how I usually can. There's no emotion there.
"Ian I-," I try to keep a calm face. I don't want to break down in front of him. It's not fair to him when I'm about to tell him everything.
"Did. You. Cheat. On. Me?" He asks sternly.
"Yes," I say faintly. He doesn't move, we don't move.
"When?" His voice breaks.
"Last night and spring break," I look up at him with tears welling up in my eyes.
"Twice? With Ross?" He looks broken.
"Yeah, I'm sorry," I say. I don't know if I am really sorry about it though. I know I'm sorry I hurt him but I don't know if I'm sorry about the sex.
"I don't know what to say," he shakes his head, "Do you still love me?"
"Of course I do!" I say honestly, "I'm just confused that's all."
"Confused about what? Are you leaving me?" He finally starts to cry and I let the tears fall from my eyes and down my cheeks.
He wipes my tears away, "don't cry."
"No stop, don't comfort me, I don't deserve it," I laugh and wipe the rest of my tears myself.
"You're sad and so am I. I don't know what else to do besides comfort you," he cups my cheeks with his hands.
I cry even harder at his words. I don't deserve him, really.
"You shouldn't love me, Ian," I turn him away.
"No I shouldn't, but I do. I can't help it and you can't keep me from loving you," he gets up off my bed.
I don't move it's like I'm frozen in time. It's as if I'm looking down at myself, watching this all happen from above. Watching my life crumble below me.
"So what now?" He says.
"I don't fucking know, Ian. Do you?" I throw my hands up and let them fall in my lap.
"No," his honey voice sticks to my body, keeping me from entering the oblivion that stands before our relationship.
"Do you want to be with him?" He asks.
And in that moment I question it myself. Do I want to be with Ross? Yes. But I don't know if I can. He's going to hate me after I tell him what happened before he met me.
"Can we just pause? Until you're done with the tour and I'm at Stanford. I just am not in the right headspace for a relationship at all and you should focus on the tour," I say.
"You're right," he agrees with me.
And that's what we do. The tour ends in September. Ian is going to come to Stanford and we will sort things out then. Whether or not we want to start our relationship back up or not.
Later that night I knock on Ross's door.
"Oh hey," he says. I can't tell if he's happy I'm here or not.
"I'm not with him anymore," I say and he smiles. Pulling me in to kiss him.
We end up having sex three times that night. It feels good to be with Ross.  It's better than what I thought it was going to be.
The next morning while we are walking in the park we see Amber.
"Shit," he mumbles to himself.
She walks over to us.
"Claire what is it about my boyfriends that you just love so much? Hmm?" She smiles condescendingly.
Ross looks confused.
"I don't have to be nice to you anymore, Amber. So with that being said, go fuck yourself.  That's really your only option now that I'm screwing your ex boyfriend," I say and yank Ross away from her.
I march angrily in silence for three blocks.
"We gonna talk about it?" Ross asks.
"Nope," I say.
"Ok," he responds and we keep walking, talking about the things were saying before we saw her.
I tell him about Todd and Harper's engagement. He tells me he already knew. Apparently, him and Todd were really close this year. I guess I was just really self centered this year.
I always thought I was some loser without friends or people that wanted to talk to me.  I'm starting to believe that it was my own self who alienated me from everyone else. I was too enveloped with my own drama to even bother making other friends.
I think about the time Hunter was so nice to me at prom. I had expected everyone to hate me. All of my own friends, Hunter, Elise, Amber, Ian, Harper, Dixon.  With of course the exception of Amber and Dixon. I deserve the relationship I have with Amber. Dixon, well Dixon is just a fucking piece of shit. To put things lightly.
I tell my family that I'm no longer with Ian. They are more heartbroken than I thought. everyone really loved him, and it really helped when Harper got involved with the family and won over my skeptical parents.
"I'm sorry, Clarisse, but maybe it's good that you won't go off to school with a boyfriend," my dad tries to cheer me up.
Being without Ian is weird. I was with him for eleven months last year and it ended abruptly so I hated him. Not a day went by where I didn't think about him. And then we got back together in December and spent seven more months together.
He's been on my mind every day for almost two years now. Him not being here makes me feel weird. It feels like a new chapter of my life I wasn't ready to open, but seem to have no choice but to write it.
I have Ross and I am lucky that I have him.
But I can't help but think...was I ready to be in a relationship with him just yet?