The day we had each other again (Book3) <Completed> ~Not Edited~

Chapter4- Why Can't I despise him?

Why can't I do it? Why can't I? I hate him for leaving me alone after all he had done to me why do still love even though I know I was hurt and wounded it's still hard seeing his face because it reminds me of the good times we had shared but he didn't cherish it. But why can't I despise him? I can only hate him for leaving me sad and broken. Because he had left I had no one to turn to. It should have been this way. If he hadn't left me maybe I'm not broken and I'm shattered or sad and lonely each day I kept wondering why did he do that to me why did he leave me without saying anything I was always wondering Am I the one who's lacking? Was I not enough to make him happy? and was I not enough to love? What lacks in me? That other women have that I don't, is it beauty is it sexiness? Or is it because I'm lacking his qualities of a perfect woman. I know I'm not perfect but do you have to be perfect in order someone to love you? There's no such thing as perfect man but I'll make an exception Jaze is not a perfect guy but he's perfect on understanding a girl like me who cannot love him completely because I'm still hung up on loving my first love and cannot move on, he still understands me and loves even though that's the case. While my first love as if he didn't even love me because his selfish and emotionless do not know how to love from within. But why is it this way? Why do I still love him and I cannot despise him? Why can't I?he had already hurt me so much but why does my heart aches in pain when I thought about but why is my heart keeps beating for him still. Why him again? He had already given sadness, suffering, pain, and many hurtful things and memories but why can't I let go it's been a year and a half now since I broke up with him. But why do I still remember him when he had hurt me and caused me so much. Why do I still love him up to now? But why-why do I still love him when he doesn't love me it's hard to forget all the times and memories we spend together being with each other before but now it's all gone and faded away. After all that he did to me. I know it still hurts but why can't I think not about him. Why is he still there lingering in my mind I must be crazy. No, I am not crazy I must be insane for thinking about him and I also know I shouldn't be like this anymore. Because I know there's someone loving me now and I also love him but how can I love him completely when I know I still love Jack and no matter what I try to do I cannot seem to get him out of my heart. But I'm starting to forget but my heart wouldn't let me. Why? I don't know. But I know I shouldn't love him anymore and it's hard for me living like this. But I had to figure out if he honestly loves me truly from the heart. I know it's hard being with him but I'll bear it just to figure it out. While I was thinking. Someone knocks on the door I stop being emotional and opened the door I saw my best friend Bekca and I rushed to her and hugged her. She was started of the sudden impact that I gave her but she decided to hug back and minutes later I pulled away. She then asked.
     “Elsa, is there something wrong?”
     “No, nothing's wrong,” I said as tears suddenly falling to my eyes.
     “Are you crying?”
     “No, I said wiping my tears away.
     “Elsa, you miss him don't you?”
When I heard those words from her. I remembered the good times and moments and memories Jaze and I shared of how he treated me treasured me adore me and loved for who I am. Bekca saw me crying and comforted me. But somehow I cannot stop crying for hurting him so. I'm sorry, I'm sorry Jaze honey if I cannot love you like the way I used to do. Then I remembered what Jaze said to me.
     “Elsa, it's not your fault you cannot love me like the way you used to because you still love him. It’s alright I understand you. Because I have the same situation as you I was left too by my first love but I don't love her anymore because your the only one that I love. Elsa just in case you forget just remember this. I will love you always now and forever but I know it can't be helped. Go back to him and figure out if you still love him. I cannot force you to love me but I'll be right here waiting for you to love me. I won't love any other girl than you because your so special to me and you're my life you make me so happy and contented cause you came into  my life. Your my happiness you're also my everything I love you so much. This is what I'm saying unless you forget I'm always here to love you so don't be sad I know you'll come back to me and when that time comes I’ll never let you go. I will love you more than anything because you're my everything and you deserve to love.” he said a memory flashes back in my mind.
     “Oh, Jaze, I miss you so. But I have to sort this out to know if Jack stills loves me. I'll come back to you soon Jaze my love.” I said in my mind.
He showed me how to be loved. He showed me how I was really loved by him and I know that. I love him too. But I cannot forget about Jack and my past. I love Jack still but why do I still love him after he has hurt and injured my heart I'm still hurting because of him. It's true I love Jaze but you cannot take that fact that I was hurt from what Jack did to me. He made me realize that he wasn't the one for me because before he understands loves me and cherishes me but now, that man I used love, trust and cherished was gone, one day he got from I can see from his face that he was tired. I didnt know by then he acted as if he was gone from me, I tried I asking him but I didnt by just asking him we’ll lead to our breakup. Ah, why do I keep thinking about this. It only gives me bad vibes and a pain to my heart. I should stop thinking about him and start opening my heart again. But how can I if my heart still beats for him. This is hard to do. I want to be with Jaze and be loved by him. But I also still love Jack and I can't do anything about that. Jaze said to I should go back to him figure out if I still love him. He says it's okay for me to go back to him.
But why am I having second thoughts of wanting to leave and not wanting to leave. Because if I leave Jaze I know to myself that I will become sad and blue without him because I already loved him and yet I'm here at Jack's place to sort out my feelings if I still love him or not. While I was thinking deeply of how will I figure this out. Someone knocked on my door.
     “Who is it?”
     “It's me Els, Emma.”She said.
     “Come in.” I said and she entered the room and saw me there and closed the door behind her. Then she sat next to me and she was asking if I was okay. I didn't say a word and remain silent then she asked again if I’m okay. I didn't say anything but I nodded to let her know I was okay. So she went out of the room.
After she left. I was alone again I sat on my desk and cried. Because I miss him so much. But I'm not there by his side. But yesterday he visited me. I was so happy to see him again and he was so happy to see me and he took me out to a beautiful place full of wonder and awe, he treated me like I was a queen and he’s my king. I enjoyed my day yesterday because I was with him and I felt loved by him he’s feelings for me never change still the same. He still loves me. His feelings for me hasn't changed he truly loves and cherishes me with his heart. I wish I was with him. I sighed as I drop myself on my bed and dozed off.