Love Letters to Sally || Louis Tomlinson

20.

20.

When I start to cry, I clutch my pillow to my chest and allow it to happen. I cry hard, I cry so hard my throat closes up. I cry like a child who didn't get his favorite toy at the store. My face gets hot with tears and I feel sick to my stomach.

You turn off the lights and climb into your loving bed, but you can't turn off your mind. You find it hard to stop the flashing of pictures inside of your mind. They keep you awake with regret and guilt. I have done so much more than I have said in my life. I have many secrets.

The secrets I keep within myself are hidden so well, I've come to remember just how much I have forgotten about them. They are dark, darker than any corner of the world. Not even my own mother knows these secrets. They are bad, they are the reason why I'm so in love with depression and killing myself. Somehow they come to my mind tonight, I haven't thought about them since the night the accident happened.

The accident.

What a terrible night that was on my sixteenth birthday. I want to punch him. I want to kill him for blaming me. It was never my fault, I didn't mean to do it! He says I deserve to be dead, somehow I believe him.

I'm terribly afraid of what I have been doing to myself all these years, slowly killing my body. I can't seem to stop though, the pain feels amazing. I have become so accustomed to the panic attacks, the anxiety, the fear, the guilt, and the emotional and physical pain...the alcohol .

I am pathetic. Everything I do is wrong, everything I say is wrong. I want to run away from everything, and I did when I joined the band. That was my chance to get away from my past in Doncaster. Those first four years was nothing but great for me, but then year five came and I saw him at Lottie's birthday party.

I began to feel the guilt, the sadness. I thought I had finally ran away from my past but soon it came up and struck me till I fell down to what I am today. I started to notice the hate more and more and that only added onto the pain.

"You're hiding something." Lottie whispers into my ear while everyone chatted amongst themselves enjoying the party. I shake my head looking down at my cup of lemonade. Lottie looked beautiful this afternoon with her white sundress I had bought for her.

"You look beautiful." I smile at my little sister who looks down at her dress and smooth's it out. She gives me a thankful smile but soon frowns looking at my facial expression. I didn't want her to see the guilt I felt inside because HE was here.

"You're worrying me Louis." I suck in my lower lip and bring her into a tight embrace. Lottie hugs me back resting her chin on my shoulder and let out a small sigh.

"Don't worry about me, you're turning seventeen!" I try to say excitedly so she would be convinced everything was alright. She backs away from the hug and smiles at me brightly. Her familiar blue eyes shine with happiness when I smile at her proudly.

I stare at Jean who stares back at me with curiosity in her jade eyes. I had just given her permission to ask me any question and I had to answer with complete honesty. She runs her long fingers through her raven curly hair which falls over her shoulders delicately and beautifully.

"What do you feel when you look in the mirror?"

"Nothing." I answer right away truthfully. Jean looks at me as if she understands what I mean by, nothing. I continue my explanation even though I feel no need to. "I avoid mirrors at all cost, because it isn't what I feel, it's what I see. I see a broken man, someone who I don't want to be, and someone I do not recognize. My eyes are now dull instead of being those ocean bright blue eyes that everyone is use to."