Secrets Left Neglected

Chapter 33

BEFORE IN THE PAST

Tadhg

We climb the steps together.

Caoilainn's in front of me, holding on to the wooden banister with her left hand. She is slow and tentative. I know she dreads reaching the top of these stairs.

Mrs. McKittrick is dying. Hospice was called a few days ago. She had requested to leave this life from the comfort of her own home.

Mrs. McKittrick avoids hospitals at all costs. She gets along just fine with doctors, as she likes to joke, so long as they aren't in the same room with her. Mrs. McKittrick practices a bit of her own healing rituals here and there. Barring any drastic medical extremes, she is therefore content to see after her own affairs, thank you very much.

It's going to be hard without Mrs. McKittrick. She's a real part of Caoi's and my life. While she is Caoilainn's grandmother, she's always been family to me as well. She's passed down so much to both of us; our history, our language, our culture but most of all, she's loved me like one of her own. We're not blood, but I feel connected to her just the same.

Walking by Mrs. McKittrick's hallway vanity table, I pick up a few tissues for Caoilainn along the way. I know she'll need them later. Inching forward, Caoilainn softly knocks on Mrs. McKittrick's bedroom door. I can smell the lingering scent of talcum powder and perfume in the air.

With all the pain Mrs. McKittrick has been in, the doctors have her highly medicated on morphine. For the most part, she's been sleeping on and off for days now. As we enter her room, however, we find her surprisingly awake and eager for us to visit.

"Oh, Caoilainn," she whispers hoarsely, but with a smile. "Come in, come in.

You, too, Tadhg."

Caoilainn's at her side with a hug and I follow behind. Once our greetings are done, Caoilainn sits down in a chair next to her grandmother and holds her fragile hand.

Mrs. McKittrick has lost a lot of weight. It's alarming how fast she's wasting away. I have to walk over to her window for a minute to get my emotions under control. When I hear Caoilainn sniffle, I turn around and hand her one of the tissues I have in my pocket. She reaches for it, thanking me as she takes it. I place my hand on her shoulder and she holds onto it.

"Oh, you two," Mrs. McKittrick says. "My time here is almost over, but don't cry. You know I don't think of death sadly; this is me just getting ready for my next life."

"Grandmother, I-" Caoilainn begins.

"I know, dear," Mrs. McKittrick sighs, patting Caoilainn's arm. "But, I want you to be happy for me. I'm about to be reborn. We have to look at this with happiness, not sorrow. This old body is weary. It pains me. But soon, I'll be healthy and whole again. I'll leave this life, but will be moving on to my next one. Perhaps I'll even be lucky enough find your grandfather quickly; I've missed him so much this last month since his heart attack. It was all so sudden. I didn't have time to prepare," she says reaching out with her frail hand which Caoilainn grasps gently.

"I'm ready, Caoilainn. Please don't cry for me. Be strong. Celebrate all that we've had together. And know that we will be together again soon. I believe that. It won't be long. You'll see. Our souls will find each other again."

Mrs. McKittrick loses her breath at the end of her sentence. I can see her growing tired already. I take comfort in her words and in the fact that her suffering will soon be over. I will miss her terribly, however. I squeeze Caoilainn's shoulder to let her know I'm in this with her.

Caoilainn taps me on my hand and I realize Mrs. McKittrick is speaking to me.

"Tadhg," she whispers. "Go into my bureau for me, will you?"

I walk over to it and turn back to Mrs. McKittrick. "What do you need?"

"I want you to open my top, right-hand drawer. Inside you'll find a small, wooden box with ornamental metals designs on the outside. Will you bring that box to me?"

When I open the drawer, I see all kinds of knickknacks and personal items, but in the corner of her drawer, I find a tiny chest. An Irish oak tree with a triquetra symbol is on top of it and I smile.

The box looks well-made but is old. The small metal ornaments are cold, in direct contrast to the feeling of warmth the wood provides on my palm as I carry it over to Mrs. McKittrick's bedside.

"Now, Tadhg," Mrs. McKittrick utters to me, reaching for my hand. I put the box in her palm without hesitation. Instead of accepting it, however, she hands it back to me.

"No, it's for you," she says, watching me carefully. I look up at her in surprise. The chest looks like an heirloom. I'm surprised and a little taken aback that she didn't give it to Caoilainn.

"But-" I start to say.

"It's for you, Tadhg," she continues weakly. "Please take it and hold onto it. Keep it safe. You"re going to need what's inside one day." I start to unfasten the metal latch but she stops me.

"Don't open it now. Wait until the time is right. You'll know when that is. You will. Just trust me and wait," she says upon looking at what can only be my own expression of doubt.

"Keep it somewhere close. The time will come when you and Caoilainn are going to need what's inside."

Caoilainn looks at me in surprise. I can see the curiosity in her eyes. If I didn't know her as well as I do, I'd probably have missed the hint of hurt lingering there as well. Her grandmother gave something very special to me on her deathbed, and yet Caoilainn is her granddaughter.

"Mrs. McKittrick," I try again. "Are you sure this shouldn't go to Caoilainn instead of me? I mean, it looks like something-"

"NO!" she coughs abruptly, and then more quietly, "No...uh. I didn't mean to holler. It's getting hard to speak, but I wanted to make sure I got the word out. I'm sorry. Please forgive me." She covers her mouth with her hand for a second to catch her breath.

"I've already given Caoilainn my old journals. She'll have them to guide her when I leave this body." She pauses as her voice starts getting soft again.

"But this, Tadhg," she explains while gasping for air and placing her fragile palm over mine. "I need you to hold onto it. One day, Caoilainn will need what's inside as much as you do. I'm trusting you to safe guard it for the both of you until that time."

"But how will I know-" I start to say before I'm cut off.

"You will, Tadhg. Have faith," she tells me laboriously. "Just have faith."

Mrs. McKittrick closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. For a few seconds, she doesn't say anything. Just as I think that she might have fallen asleep, she opens her eyes again.

"Caoilainn, I love you very much," she tells her. "Tadhg is a good man. You're lucky to have such friendship between you. It will make a good foundation...just trust each other. Hold each other up...I love you, too, Tadhg. Be there for my Caoilainn when I pass..."

Caoilainn rushes forward to hug her grandmother and I lean over them both. I wipe a tear from my eye and stand up. "I'm going to get your mom, Caoilainn. I'll be right back."

I walk back to the hallway and almost into Mrs. Gibbons. "Oh, sorry," I explain. "I was just coming to get you. I don't think Mrs. McKittrick has-I mean-she doesn't have much time left, I don't think."

Mrs. Gibbons grabs a tissue from the table in the hall and cries, "Oh, Tadhg."

She reaches out to hug me and I put an arm around her. Then I take step back to let her know I'll go get Duncan. I can hear Caoilainn crying from inside the bedroom. I don't want to go back, but I know she's going to need me. I run down the steps to find Duncan as quickly as I can.

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