The Legends of Twisted Felix Katt (Book 3)

(17) The Quick and the Gullible

I'm actually kind of used to people giving me that look of wide eyed 'I'm gonna crap myself' terror, though it's normally just after I've explained one of my brilliant plans and not due to recognizing my face, so I can say that I handled seeing my own father give me that look rather well. In that I didn't immediately burst into tears and run away, kind of handled it well. And when a Shuffle has you currently imprisoned in the six year old version of yourself that's actually quite a feat. I simply had to tear my eyes off of his familiar face and look around at the rest of the Port Authority landing party. Other than my dad there were six people, enough to out number my crew if we'd come out with metaphorical guns blazing, but not so many that I'd feel like they were going to try and commandeer my ship. Whoever was running this joint was a clever girl, I'll hand her that.

"Minerva May?" A short, young woman asks me in a tone that really doesn't suit the cute twenty year old face it comes from. Her current appearance is that of a young woman about to burst into the fully fertility of life but the jaded, cynical tone warned that normally her words were matched to steel gray hair and a scowl like no other. I like her already.

"For now I guess." my own childish voice is far too honest sounding and I'm reminded that way back in the day I'd had a distressing habit of saying what was on my mind. Clearly I've outgrown that kind of foolishness but if this Shuffle is so thorough I'm going to have to watch what pops out of my mouth the entire time. How exhausting.

"You said you had a business proposition?" the female I assume to be in charge smoothly gets the ball rolling on our attempt at smuggling.

Time for some A level acting from me, in the form of gratuitous ass kissing. "Yes Ma'am! I heard from Captain Felix Katt that you have a frigate worth of things to move, with a budget and a time limit to move them with. There's too much attention on her Destiny for her to offer assistance so she passed the message on to a fellow Runner like me. I'm not quite at her level of well know reputation though, so I have a letter of writ if it helps..." I can almost hear Murphy chanting the word bluff repeatedly, in various tones. I gotta say, it feels weird to be using my own reputation to be building my alterior reputation; makes me feel about as useful as a limp dick at an orgy in all honesty.

"I've heard of Captain Katt. The Uni-net says some interesting things about her for sure, her and her three body crew." she's obviously doing a visual head count of my now newly five body crew. Who knew adding Wanda and Dandy would prove to be so handy so quickly?

"I can imagine what the Uni-net says. How much you trust that says a lot about you, mind; if you believe everything then I have a lovely acerage to sell you on Mercury. I like to make my own opinion based on whats before my Goddess given eyes though, so if you have things that need moving its probably going to work best for us both if I see it for myself." not entirely sure I didn't break reality with my attempt at subtle sarcasm there, but the broad seems as offended by my lack of social graces as my own Mother would have been to hear them come from me so at least I know I did something right.

"Follow me, please. And no one put their hands where we can't see them." Port Authority commanded. It really was rude of her to not have given us a name yet, rude and prudent. Me as me would have already tagged her with one until she capitulated and gave me her own, most people can't stand insulting monikers for long (Dandy notwithstanding), but me as the me I was playing at now had to be just a smidge more, or actually less blatantly bold. Sometimes it sucks having to act like I'm not as awesome as I really am.

If you have to leave your ship Port bound while you go traipsing about, here's a gentle hint: DON'T LEAVE YOUR CARGO HOLD OPEN. Goddess knows what kind of miscellaneous debris can drift in there; dust, animals, curious humans.... I'm here to find out about my dad, posing as a Captain here asking about smuggling, all while I'm really here trying to figure out why in the sweet sucking void of space are all my secrets suddenly unravelling arouns me, so needless to say nothing is exactly stable as I want it to be. And that's saying a lot considering the fact that I'm known to wing it more often than even Lady Luck herself feels comfortable doing. For the best example I can ever hope to give is my current situation. This stupid ass planet has every resource you could ever possibly want to export to anywhere for ludacris amounts of money, so you know what cargo they want smuggled by yours truly? Not the usual food stuffs, building material or even contraband human passengers I've encountered all over the 'verse, but actual bonafide forbidden materials. Freaking pyroglastic gel cells. This shit makes nitroglycerin look chemically stable; and from a quick eye view of it, they want to move a massive amount of it in a hurry. More than even I can manage on my best day. What the devil are they up to?

"No." Rorick's voice is almost his usual gravelly growl and I have to look at him to realize he hasn't suddenly returned to normal but is just THAT insistent that this is suicide.

"Oh my what fun..." Van's nearly ecstatic psycho squeak is just as disturbing as Rorick's fear.

Neither Wanda nor Dandy utter an opinion out loud but the wide eyes and tense lines of their expressions land them in the 'this is beyond a bad idea' camp with Rorick. My cynical eye view is that this could be a cargo hold of quick and gloriously flammable death. "How much, where to, and what are you offering to pay?" This is a terrible idea and I know it, but since I'm fairly certain even I'm not dumb enough to try and smuggle this stuff, this negotiation is all for show.

"Why don't we go have some food and drink and talk about it?" Port Authority smiles and I have to resist the urge to stick out my tongue at her. "Captain, you can call me Bedilia. I'd offer us all a drink of Volkda-syth but right now all my adult beverages are curiously chocolate milk."

"Alright Bedilia, let's go drink some brown moo juice then." I smile widely, wondering if I'll be able to get a chance to talk to my dad. He's trailing around with the group Bedilia brought, so clearly this is a part of his regular job, but Catpains don't normally ditch smuggling negotiations to go hobknob with the underlings. Which is why I brought my own version of minions though. "Bedilia, my ship's mechanic was hoping to get a ground survey done on my Puddlejumper before we left dirtside, that ok with you?" I shoot Rorick a quick look over my shoulder and I think he's trying to give me one of his patented 'Bad Idea Felix' looks but its just not as effective as it normally is.

Port Authority Bedilia looks at Rorick with his tool belt on and nods. "Wayne, why don't you show him where our diagnostic tools are; if they're going to move things for us, lets make sure they have a sound ship."

"Yes Ma'am." my father replied quickly and now I have to trust Rorick to figure out what's going on. Luckily I already know that he's smarter than me and has better common sense so at least there's that going for us. I'd send Van with Roar but I want someone on my side that can handle a weapon and my wrist is still out of commission. And I'm definitely not sending Wanda to watch his back. She might be part of my crew now and married besides, but I still haven't gotten over that incident where it looked like her and Rorick were sleeping together. Hell, I've got the body of a child right now so at least the outside matches the inside for once.

"Dandy, go with them and see if you can be useful. Stay quiet and respectful though." I lobby out and get a slightly confused frown in return. "I didn't hire him for his brains but he can be useful as a gopher." the guy staged a successful Rebellion on his planet, this is a perfect chance to utilize that intelligence and I can only hope he's figured out my game.

"Captain, do you not trust my husband?" Bedilia sounds too friendly and I can feel the super fake smile stretch across my face, teeth exposed in my friendliest snarl. Not sure why it surprises me, it's been nearly twenty-two years so my dad was bound to have gotten remarried.

Rorick is staring intently at me, as if trying to psychically remind me not to say anything incredibly stupid and incriminating right now. I can't point out that I generally don't trust someone who leaves his six year old behind with a Family that will shamelessly plot her murder to elevate the Second born. "I don't mean to offend Bedilia, I just don't know you all and I like to protect my crew. I'm sure you can understand that, I mean you're the one that insisted on no weapons." Yes I am proud of that little speech, I didn't even shove my foot in my mouth for a change. Brace for catastrophic failure elsewhere now though, my self control is a limited resourse and this kind of thing taps it out fairly quick.

"It's a good thing to see a little practical caution in a Captain that may be helping transport such fragile exports. Let us let the men folk go be of use while we negotiate then." Bedilia is so slimy I feel sullied just talking to her, but I can't honestly say I'm just being biased or not. And even I know not to ask that kind of a question right in front of witnesses.

"Let's not be too quick to rush into judgement there Bedilia, I'm plenty incautious when the need calls for it. Or else I wouldn't be here." Note to self, a child's voice really, REALLY works to express playful conspiracy. I might even get the hang of this before I get us all killed. That would be a nice surprise.