The Legends of Twisted Felix Katt (Book 3)

(8) Zipline into Hell

I usually solve my problems by letting them devour me –Franz Kafka

I could hear my second in command whining even before she limped her way back onto my ship, and I didn’t need the communicator to do it either. Van has a feminine, carrying tone and when she puts even a little effort into it, her whine is legendary. I’ve cowered in the bowels of Destiny to avoid it many times in the past, or outright fled the ship with Rorick at my side. But this time that was not an option. She was coming to see me, she wanted to witness the first stage of my psychotic hail-mary of a plan, and her bitching voice let me know that all these grumbles were a cover to try and hide how much her leg hurt thanks to the new prosthetic replacement. My best friend had lost part of her leg fighting off Hounds after my juicy ass, so there’s a fair bit of guilt riding my shoulder like flying monkies. I’m not dumb enough to tell her that of course, so instead I’ll poke a little fun at her.

“Hurry up hop along, you’re slower than a stampede of turtles through peanut butter.” My rough voice adds a little friendly warmth to the words. And no, by rough I don’t mean ‘oh phone sex voice’, I mean ‘been sucking on engine exhaust’. It ain’t pretty but it suits me just fine.

Van levels a peel the paint of the walls glare at me and I just smile dementedly at her. “I will shove this fake leg of mine up your fat end and turn you into a dodo on a stick Felix.” Her tone is not amused but there is no longer a shading of pain to it so I just continue smiling at her.

“Catch your breath Chubs, I need you here for this next part anyways.” I sound disturbingly cheerful, even to my own ears. The suspicious and slightly panicked looks on everyone else’s faces just adds to my enjoyment in all honesty. It’s probably a bad sign that anytime I get cheerful shit hits the fan, but truthfully, it’s rather nice to see that my giddiness cues discomfort in those around me. Maybe there’s something wrong with me? Nah.

“Are you going to tell us what’s going on now?” Wanda demands, her arms crossed over her chest in flagrant ‘I am not liking this’ disagreeableness.

“Please.” Dandy adds on and Wanda shoots him a look. Oh yeah, they’re definitely pining for each other. There’s enough unresolved sexual tension in that brief look to make me uncomfortable, and I’ve walking in on Van having sex with all sorts of odd things.

“Sorry for making you wait folks, I just needed a Female witness for this next part.” I slap my hands together and rub them in greedy anticipation. I’d say that I was looking forward to making the impossible happen for these two, but I don’t actually like either of them, so I think I’m just looking forward to the chance at flouting traditional society. Me and my bad self, we rock.

“Witness for what?” Wanda asks with a healthy dose of distrust weighing the words down. There are so many things that require witnesses but only a smaller fraction of them apply to life on a spaceship, and out of those only a handful go out of their way to require it to be Female witnesses in specific. I could almost hear her doing a mental checklist of those things and discarding the bulk of them. I decide to cut to the chase before she figures it out herself. Of course, I want to have a little fun with this too.

“I’m going to marry you.” I blurt out the words and nearly give myself a heart attack as my ears realize just how that might sound to those on my ship. The absolutely stunned expression on Van’s face is almost worth the mistake in intent too. And the apoplectic look on Wanda’s is something I will cherish like the laugh of Rorick when we have a rare bit of fun. Still, I really don’t want her to accept the proposal as if I was going to marry her myself, so I continue on before the silence gets past awkward and enters into painful territory. “I have Auctoritas on this ship now. Fully legal and backed by the Hounds.” It feels weird to say that and I’m the one who brokered the deal in the first place. My earlier declaration had gotten everyone’s attention and my legal status held it like a gun to the face. I’m guessing no one really expected me to get legal backing. Hell, Rorick stared at me and he’d been there when I demanded this. “I’m going to offer you something Wanda and in return you’re going to be the Doctor on my ship until we either all get killed or I find someone better for the job.” There was a flash of irritated pride in her eyes at my dismissive words, but wisely she kept her mouth shut to see if I was actually proposing to her.