The Legends of Twisted Felix Katt (Book 3)

(9) And Now A Word From Our Sponsors

Today I shall behave as if this is the day I will be remembered- Dr. Seuss

There is something fundamentally sadistic about the irony that is me standing at the head of a Marriage certificate, my Rorick is present and I have all the Authority I can ever hope to posses as Captain Felix Katt; and yet I still cannot marry my Brute. Murphy, you’re a cruel bitch and I often wonder just exactly what it was I did to piss you off in a past life. I mean seriously, a girl needs a break once in a while. But instead, I get to see Wanda in a borrowed state of happiness as I keep up my end of the bargain with her.

“Alright you two, let’s make this quick.” I bark and they all snap back into focusing on me. Which is good, I don’t need to vomit from the sentimentality in the air. Goddess this isn’t fair. “We are officially in space. These are likely to be the last few hours of peace we’ll have for possibly what’s left of our inevitably short lives.” Oh yes, I am just sadly that romantic folks. I am truly a silver tongued poet. “And although it will be brief, this declaration in front of Witnesses with rank and an Auctoritas seal counts as a real marriage. What the means for you two is that you get to have each other. Completely and legally bound together. You poor bastards.” Despite myself I can feel a lame ass smile start to tug at my mouth. “If there are no objections or pauses for dramatic effect, I will take a set of I swears and signatures as declaration of marriage.”

And wouldn’t you guess it? They both said I swear without a moment’s hesitation.  As if they didn’t at all mind the concept of losing freedom for the other. Wanda is the Doctor, and she’s the one I have a real hold on for this, honestly I’m sure Dandy’s little Revolutionaries can keep him alive. But he’s going to be a part of my crew instead, just to be with her. To a lot of people, getting married requires a while lot of rigmarole, jazz and pomp. There’s fancy cakes, strange costume and long winded Sisters who wax on about the sanctity of the moment and blah blah, woof woof. Truth was, this is marriage at the core of it, two idiots standing together and ditching freedom and carelessness to say ‘this is my person, even when we aren’t at our best, this is my person.’ And that, frankly, takes some guts.

“Well, it’s too late now to back out of it. You’re married.” I declare to the couple that pretty much couldn’t see me through that gag worthy hearts in their eyes. I have to admit though, that the enthusiasm with which Wanda and Dandy kiss to celebrate is actually impressive. Guess that’s to be expected, I mean come on, even I would lose a little of my cool if I got that chance. Waiting for years to see a bad stroke of luck take the man you love away in the arms of death, knowing that everything about who you are and who he is stand in the way of it ever not being a tragedy for you. Not caring about that because that man, that ordinary, plain, fantastic man is that missing piece of artillery in your arsenal. Standing with him when he finds a way to topple part of the world but knowing it still changes nothing, there is too much standing in the way for the two of you to ever have it all together. Until one day a spark of mad improbability named Felix Katt (that’s me!) walks in and simply gives you your dreams. I may not be able to solve my own problems but it sure looks like I’m good at solver other people’s problems.

“Are you crying?” I break my strange reverie when I notice Van’s watery eyes.

“Go to hell ‘lix. It’s just dry in here and I have something in my eye.” Van retorts  and I try not to smirk when I see her snuffle. Oh my Goddess, she really is getting sappy over this.

“Well, this metal projectile in the vacuum of space only needs one of us to fly her, so go forth and merry make. I’ll even donate the blue jug to the cause.” I wave them off, Van’s eyes sparkle with anticipation; Van and Rorick know what’s in my famous blue jug. Let’s just say that it’s not apple juice, and in a pinch it makes a wicked accelerant. Has doubled as an accelerant. Ok, started out as an accelerant. Putting that jug in Van’s hands might be a mistake, but I can make Van clean up whatever mess she makes. I don’t even want to know what she’s going to do to these newlyweds, and I’m fairly certain that hose two will never properly recover from it either. Them’s the breaks.