The Legends of Twisted Felix Katt (Book 3)

(3) Behind Bars: More Fun with Alcohol Than Manacles

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work –Thomas Edison

I was sitting in jail. I did not pass go, I did not collect two hundred dollars and for once I wasn’t actually guilty of anything. Well, other than bringing a firearm down onto a weapons free world and flashing it around, then sticking it in the face of their Port Authority representative. Or they could still sore that the last time I’d been dirt side I sort of maybe helped a Rebellion overthrow a government. And there was just the slightest chance that this could be related to the fact that there was a price on my head with the Hounds, which is the equivalent of an arrest warrant. For once in my life I am actually hoping for a Shuffle; something nice and distracting that would let me slip out of prison with Rorick in tow. Like that time the Universe decided to shrink all living organisms down to like a tenth of their usual size. Then again, I’d almost died that day, like three different times. So, maybe not a Shuffle like that one then.

Back to the whole incarcerated thing, this left us supposedly weaponless and awaiting our fate. I say supposedly because Rorick has broken a man’s jaw and jammed it into his skull with his bare hands before, and I have some really interesting places where I can hide weapons. And before you get any gross ideas, I meant that my hair hides all kinds of things besides my desperate need for a hot bath with something resembling water.

While I’m sitting here all antsy and itching for the chance to try my lock picking skills on the cell door, Rorick was asleep. He’d just sat down, wedging me between his muscular ass and the wall and acting like this big ol’ bodyguard, and then he started to snore softly. Considering how many times his nose had been broken, I’m grateful it’s his soft snore I have to endure, but still it was making it hard for me to fall asleep myself. I know that if I were to start moving about, he’d wake up all paranoid like and then we’d both be awake and miserable. I think I’ll let the man meat sleep.

Thankfully, just as I felt my sanity start to get bored right out of my skull, the guards tromped towards our cell. Please be a steak and egg dinner. Maybe a milkshake too. I don’t want my last meal to be protein paste. I mentally pleaded. But instead of anything delectable, or even disgusting to eat, the guards brought something far worse. A vastly amused looking Wanda.

“Well, I can’t say that I’m surprised that you ended up in here. Though I am impressed with how quickly you managed to get arrested.” Wanda mocked at me.

The moment she had started to speak, Rorick’s eyes flew open and I nearly broke a tooth with how hard my jaw clenched. Yeah  I know, stress will be the early death of me. Nothing had happened between Rorick and Wanda, intellectually even my feeble brain gets it. But tell the green eyed monster inside to calm down and she’ll flip you off.

“Yes well, some of us are really good at getting a quick response.” It was lame but at least I didn’t just start spitting at her like a territorial cat. Lame or not Wanda just smiled at me like she knew exactly why I don’t like her.

“Sorry if I kept you waiting long Captain. And I am sure that Port Authority will compensate you for this little misunderstanding.” Wanda said as the guard unlocked the cell.

I’m not sure if it was pride or paranoia that made me not want to just walk out of the cell. I’m a stubborn enough mule that having someone like Wanda bail me out was just not going to sit right, and I didn’t trust why she was being oh so helpful. Of course she did technically owe me one. I never actually believe anyone holds up their end of the bargain when the debt is owed TO me and not from me. But not having much of a better choice, I stepped out of the cell. Rorick had been smart enough to stay quiet the entire time, probably because he knows me well enough to know that there’s not a power in the universe that would let me forgive this woman. She hadn’t even wronged me personally; but between her and Dandy’s betrayal of Rorick years back and that night months ago when I believed for a moment that she was Rorick’s lover, I had a special hell set aside for her in my mind. I didn’t like knowing that she had to come get us out of jail, although my pride is slightly mollified by the fact that even with her ridiculous shoes on, I’m a good few inches taller than  her. Yes I am that petty, I accepted that fact years ago.