Remember to Forget

Chapter 17

Luke's POV

I miss her.

I miss her.

I really, really miss her.

It's the sixth of November. It's been 221 days.

I'm afraid that everyday that passes, I'll forget more about Delia. I'm starting to forget the way she said certain things or the exact color of her hair. I don't want to ever forget. I want to always remember.

Today's one of those days where I just want her here. I've just been thinking all day long about everything happening in my life. I miss doing nothing, yet everything, all at once with her. Maybe today we would've been sitting on the couch watching a movie. Or maybe we would've gone out for pizza and people watched together.

God, I miss her.

I remember when I was little, I would draw happy faces on everything. I was surrounded by people with happy faces. But now, I'm just a sad person surrounded by sad faces.

I hate it.

She wouldn't have let me be sad like this. She would've made me happy, no matter what. She would've been the one happy face in the sea of sadness.

And when the one person who could make you happy is gone, it feels like the end of the world.

It's weird how fast things can change. One minute, you can be perfectly happy, and then the next you can be sad.

Sad, sad, sad.

It doesn't even sound like a word anymore.

You know what else is weird? Life. No one is promised life. But we are promised death. That's one thing in life that's guaranteed. Everyone is going to die at some point. The one thing that most people don't want is the one thing that is bound to happen at some point.

Sometimes I wonder how long Delia would've lived. If we'd still be together. What she would've done when we graduated. But I'll never know.

I'll also never know what would've happened to me if she was still here. I wouldn't be here, for one thing. I would be talking right now. I wouldn't be writing in some notebook to get my feelings out. I would be telling them to someone, most likely Delia.

She would've listened.

She would've listened to how sorry I am. How much I hate my life. How I've messed up everything.

She would've known just what to say. She always did.

And here I am, not saying anything.

I'm sorry.

I quickly wipe the tears that are spilling down my cheeks and close my notebook. I shut my eyes tightly and put my head in my hands. I shake my head quickly as I try not to cry.

I hate this.

I rub my nose and take a deep breath.

Something that Delia will never be able to do again.

I hate thinking stuff like that. It just makes me sadder. All my thoughts just attack me all the time. I never get a break from my own mind. Whether it's my thoughts, or memories, or forgetting something, my mind is always doing something that makes me sad.

I think about Delilah and her project. How she chose to do it on me. She probably only chose me for the obvious reasons, like how I don't talk, and all my emotions. She didn't pick me because I'm "interesting." I'm messed up, that's what I am.

She didn't even ask interesting questions. It was just background info on me. Maybe she didn't want to ask me personal things because she thinks I won't tell her.

I probably wouldn't have told her a few weeks ago. But now I'm not so sure.

When I first met Delilah, I wanted nothing to do with her. I didn't want to see her, hear her, or do anything that involved her. I hated her so much. It's strange how quickly that changed. I don't hate her anymore, I'm not sure if I like her though. I'm still slightly uncomfortable around her, yet I'm comfortable at the same time. It confuses me so much. She reminds me so much of Delia, I hate it.

I don't understand myself at all. Everything is all scrambled in my mind today, and I feel like I'm thinking of a thousand things at once. I'm thinking about Delia, Delilah, myself, everyone, and everything. It's exhausting.

I look out the window at the rain that is quickly falling. The sky is dark with clouds, and there's puddles all over the street. I trace my finger down the windowsill, leaving a small smudge.

I rub my eyes and throw on a shirt that's on the floor. I find my dad watching television.

I sit down beside him, and he looks up at me.

"Are you alright?" he asks, quickly shutting off the TV.

I bite my lip, tears threatening to spill out of my eyes again just because of his simple question. I shake my head no, immediately starting to cry again. I hate being so emotional all the time. It's like the sadness erupts within me and comes out instantly.

"What happened?" my dad asks.

I shrug. I don't really know why I'm sad. It's always about Delia or something involving her, but it comes at random times without warning.

"Uh, um- I, we- Do you wanna do something maybe?" he asks, unsure of what to say.

I shake my head no.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

I shake my head no again. I thought I could just come out here and sit with him. I didn't mean to start crying like this.

I take some deep breaths and come down. We sit in silence for a few minutes. My dad isn't really good at this stuff.

"We can go see Candace if you want," he says. "Are you that upset?"

I shake my head and stand up from the couch. I write down that I'm going for a walk, and I'll be right back. He looks concerned when he reads it, but lets me go anyways.

I know exactly who I can go to. I know who will be willing to listen.

It's still raining as I walk outside. I head down the street, keeping my head down as the rain falls. I'm quickly soaked because of all the rain, but I don't mind. It feels nice on my skin. It also will make it look like I haven't been crying.

I get to the house I'm looking for. I hesitantly walk up the driveway and stand at the bottom step of the doorway.

I pull my phone out of my pocket and shield it from the rain as best as I can. I scroll through my contacts and text Delilah.

Come outside. There's something I need to tell you.

i'm sorry this is so short but I literally haven't been home the past week and I had writers block the past two hours and this is all i could do. i hope you like it

what do you think luke is going to tell delilah?

idk if this was written well and sorry for any mistakes, i don't have time to proof read. did this all make sense? it's a look into luke's thoughts and struggles and confusion

ok ilyasm tweet me what you think, or edits, or trailers, or just a simple hello, whatever you wish @singsongash

-ashley