All of this past

Dear Haz

Dear Haz,

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it more than you'll ever know. And thank you for still wanting to be there for me. I can't thank you enough for that.

I got the children to stay with David's sister for the weekend. I was just suffocating in my own grief, I couldn't handle it anymore. Tomorrow it will be one year without him. I can't believe it. One entire year. It's gone so fast, and yet so slow. Waking up without him, and going back to bed without him, those are still the most horrible moments of the day. 

I know you can't tell me if it will ever go away Harry, I don't expect you to. I'm just happy that you want to be there for me, that I can share it with someone. I don't want to put it on David's family, they're all still grieving his death, and I have to be there for the children myself, I don't want them to see me break down in front of them, they're too young, too vulnerable.

I suppose my dad would understand, after all, he lost my mother too, but he never even talked about it when it just happened. He does the best he can, I know that, the way he puts his hand on my shoulder sometimes, or when he calls me at important moments, like the anniversary of our first date. I know he must have written all those things down because no father would remember that by himself. It shows he wants to be there for me, but him and me, we've never been much on talking terms when it comes to emotional things.

So, that leaves me here, with you, or rather with the piece of paper I'll be sending to you. 

Do you remember that day when I took you to my mother's grave? I sure do, it was the first time I really noticed the changes in you. It was the first time you comforted me, and the first time you let me close to you. I still cherish that memory Haz. But what I wanted to say, David's grave is there too. It's still as beautiful as ever there. I went to visit them yesterday, after I took Jude, Kate and Sam to their aunt. They like it there, they have four cousins to play with, so they see it more as a treat than a punishment. I think Jude sees it though, how sad I am. She looks at me differently when it happens, and her hugs last longer. You would like her Haz, I'm so proud of the girl she's becoming.

I told David about my letters to you. I know he would've been happy I've found someone to talk to. And he would've been happy that we found each other again. Even if he had to die for us to do so. I told you already how incredibly unselfish he was. I cried my eyes out yesterday, and some more this night in our -my- bed. Today it felt like all my tears were dried, and I just walked around in our empty house, feeling lost and alone, until I decided to sit down at my desk and write this letter.

Did I tell you about the letter David left me? I don't remember if I did, so I'll tell it again. I've gone through our wardrobe a few weeks ago, to get rid of his clothes. He had a few hats, I don't even know why he kept them because he never wore them, so they were the first things I got out. Underneath them, I found an envelope. I'm not sure when and how he put it there, because I'm pretty sure I haven't left him alone for more than a quick shower or to make tea in those last days, but it was dated a week before he passed. It was so beautiful. He even wrote it himself, I think it's the first and only letter he ever wrote me by hand instead of typing it out. It must've cost him so much energy, which he never had those days. It basically said how much he loved me and how he wanted me to move on after his death. I'm not sure if I did move on, or if I ever will be capable of truly moving on. I don't think I have to explain to you how much I cried when I found it. 

About that concert, I knew about it, but I wasn't sure if I would be able to handle seeing you. That's why I never came to any of your concerts before. And I didn't want to make David uncomfortable by going, that too, although he wouldn't have made a problem out of it, I still felt like I would betray his good nature by doing so. I'm sure you understand.

If you are sure you want to see me, then yes, I would love a ticket. I'll find a babysitter for the kids, or have them stay over at Kendra's again, we'll see what they want themselves. 

Thank you again, Harry, for everything.

Lots of love,

Liam