Esme's Diary

Chapter 19 - Empty

Dear Diary,

"NOOO" I screamed, dropping to my knees. My son's still warm lifeless body still in my arms. Why? Why my beautiful little boy? What did I do to deserve this? Had I really been that bad that I deserved to lose the two most important people in my life?

"WELL?" I screamed, louder this time, making my throat hoarse. Willing my silent questions to be answered.

"ANSWER ME YOU BLOODY COWARD" I cried, causing that nurse Rosemary to come running into my room. I stopped screaming, falling backwards onto the floor. Rocking myself back and forth a cuddled my lifeless angel close to me, as if I was soothing him.

"Why? Why did you do it Johnathon?" I asked the tears unwilling to relent now that they had started. "Was it not enough that I lost you? You had to take my son away too?"

Looking down at my son I took in everything about him, he looked so peaceful. I tried desperately to engrain every inch of his body into my mind so that I didn’t forget him. My heart broke as I looked at how small he was, how small he would always be. A constant reminder that I failed him, failed as a mother, failed as a wife. Everything.

I hadn't noticed that nurse still stood in the room watching me intently.

"Ahem" Rosemary coughed, trying to get my attention. I looked up, startled, only now remembering she was in the room.

I tried to ignore her, hoping that she would leave me along with my son. The time I had with him now was precious, and SHE was ruining it.

"Mrs Walker?" she asked. Trying to get my attention.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT" I replied in a firm voice. The nurse looked at me. Obviously confused. I certainly wasn't going to explain to her that I didn't want to be called that. Why it reminded me of my dead lover. Why I was angry at him for taking our baby and leaving me alone.

"Er... Mrs.. Er.... Esme? It's time" she said to me. Undoubtedly trying her best to sound sympathetic  but I could hear the annoyed undertone in her voice.

I looked at her more confused than ever before. What did she mean? Time for what?

"It's time to take er.... Robert downstairs." She said, half answering my unspoken question.

I still didn't understand though.

"What do you mean? Time for him to go downstairs. He's not going anywhere. He’s staying with me, where he belongs."

"Mrs Wa  Esme. We have to take Robert to the morgue." she replied firmly.

“No” I hissed, pulling his body even closer to mine, he wasn't going anywhere. My baby needed his Mom. I wasn't going to let a stranger take my baby away from me. He needed me more now than ever. My son didn't belong in a morgue; he belonged with me. He would get cold in the morgue  he needed my body heat to keep him warm.

“Mrs  Esme” Rosemary sighed, an unflattering tone now evident in her voice  I knew she was becoming more and more annoyed with my defiance “I am really sorry about your son. Truly I am. But we HAVE to take him now” Didn't she understand? Is it so hard to understand that I needed to have him close to me. That I couldn't let him go.

“Over my dead body” I spat, turning on my bottom so that I was no longer facing her. “wake up baby, please wake up” I whispered into my sons fine whispers of hair  I knew it was a feeble attempt but I was desperate. I needed him to wake up, needed to hear his sweet cry again. The babies cry was coming from the next room and the urge to scream through my tears over took me. Where was that babies mother? Why wasn't she caring for him?