Esme's Diary

Chapter 18 - Heartbroken

(A/N – Please note that this entry was not entirely written by myself. As you are aware, I have been re-writing all my entries before posting on here. However, I felt this entry was as close to perfect as it could get and I couldn’t find anyway to better it. So the majority of the credit for writing this entry must go to Susan).

Dear Diary,

The doctor's words kept repeating over and over in my head;

"I'm sorry Mrs Walker; there is nothing more we can do"

My head was spinning and I felt as if I was going to be sick. I could feel my knees beneath me about to give way. How could this be happening? He was so young and so innocent- there had to be something I could do. Anything,

Robert couldn't die. My beautiful baby boy couldn't die. I wouldn't let him.

"H-How long?" I choked eventually

The doctor’s face looked grave as he looked up into my eyes; "A few hours at the most. I am so sorry" he went on to explain that Robert's infection had now overtaken his lungs and there was no treatment available for him. My legs finally gave way when he told me that if the condition had been picked up sooner he'd have had a stronger chance at survival.

The doctor scooped me up from the floor, "Are you alright?" he asked, looking concerned. I felt like hitting him. Alright? I was far from alright- my son was dying and now he was telling me that if the doctors had done their job properly in the first place he might be OK. "Let me get a nurse to help you" he continued, not giving me a chance to get the rant off my chest. He pulled a chair around for me to sit on and scurried off quickly to find a nurse.

What was going on in this hospital? How could they even call it that? My son could be at home now; he could be well- if only they had noticed the symptoms when he was born. I was beyond angry- and yet I couldn't show it. All I wanted now was to be with my son. I stood up from the chair and began walking towards the ward.

"Mrs Walker?" called a friendly sounding female voice from behind me. It took me a few moments to realize she was calling me- my mind was elsewhere. By the time it had registered I was halfway onto the ward and she had caught up with me. I looked at her name tag; Melissa.

Melissa's voice didn't match her face; she had dark set eyes and looked as if she was incredibly unhappy to be working here. Her hair hung down to her shoulder and I was trying to work out where I knew her from- she looked familiar.

"Let's get you to a bed" she began, leading me by the elbow in the opposite direction from my son "I will bring your baby to you shortly. It's..."-she looked down at the clipboard in her hand-"Joshua isn't it?"

"No!" I exclaimed as we reached the bed "His names Robert" I suddenly remembered why this nurse looked so familiar. It had been only a few short days since I had last seen her. She had been one of the nurse's who'd examined Robert when he was born.

"My mistake" she sighed, before patting the bed "If you get on up here, you may wish to remove your top. Certain studies have shown that babies tend to respond better to their mothers when they are skin to skin"

"I know" I muttered, climbing up onto the bed. I didn't need this woman telling me what my son did or didn't like. He was a part of me- I knew what was best for him- not her.

I sat upright on the bed and removed my top- not bothering to either care or worry that others were around to see me and I waited patiently for Melissa to bring my poorly baby to me.

A few minutes later I spotted her slowly turn the corner, cradling my son in her arms. She was bent over him slightly and cooing to him- muttering soothing words. Could she walk any slower? In that instant I found myself wanting to hurt her- more than I had ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life. She was taking away some of my last precious moments. He let out a soft whimper and she stroked his face. Worst of all- she was doing MY job!