Esme's Diary

Chapter 14 - Goodbye

Dear Diary,

I still can’t quite get my head around what has happened, what have I done that is so wrong to deserve this? Everything seemed so perfect, my life was just exactly how I’d always dreamed of it, and I had a man I loved with all my heart, a baby growing inside me. And now look, it’s been viciously taken away from me. I suppose I should talk about how I am feeling but I can’t. Why? Because I am feeling nothing, not a thing. I am…….. Empty.

The only thing I know for sure is that I have to survive; I have got to pull myself together and get through this for our baby. If I didn’t have this wonderful gift growing in my stomach I would be joining you my love, of that I am sure.

I haven't been able to bring myself to write in here. All I want, my only wish, is that I could see him once more. I would willingly give my life, for just one more moment with him, just to be near him again, to hear him whisper my name.

I haven’t spoken to anyone since that night. Everyone is full of “I’m Sorry’s” and “Things will get better” But what do they know? From what I can see they all have their significant other still stood by their sides. I refuse to leave the refuge of my bedroom at my parents, Mother leaves food outside the door that I only eat to satisfy our child. Mom wrote me a note today that she placed with my supper saying that things would get better and that over time I would see that all things happened for a reason. That everything will get better with time. All I wanted to do was scream. What did she know? Personally I don't see how, this hole in my life still hasn't healed, the emptiness never goes away. It's with me all day and night. Eating away at me.

It feels like someone has completely wiped away all of my senses. I’ve lost the ability to do anything. I am just an empty shell, just, just, there. Everything of ours was lost; I have no memento of our time together, nothing that smells of him. Actually I do have one thing but I won’t get to see that for some time yet.

I can't remember the last time I actually slept. I'm too scared to sleep because the nightmares follow me but at the same time I'm too scared to stay awake, knowing the only place I'd ever find him again were in my dreams.

I lay on the bed, my arms wrapped around my stomach protectively, when there was a knock at the door. Today was the day that I would get up and go out. Today I had to do something. Something I had been putting off for.... well.... since that night.

"Yes?" I mumbled, really not wanting to talk to anyone. Nobody understands what I am going through. I gave Johnathon my heart and now it is gone forever.

As the door slowly creaked open I could see my mother staring in probably wondering what sort of state I'll be in today.

"What do you want mom?" I said, feeling slightly annoyed. To be honest I'm getting really fed up with people trying to cheer me up. I just want to be left alone. To grieve in peace.

I got up, feeling nauseous. As much as I wanted to lie in bed all day drowning in my sorrows I knew today was the day I had to get up. I have to go and see Mr and Mrs Walker.

I slowly got up from the bed, stretching my muscles, other than using the bathroom my legs hadn't had any use in the past few weeks, and the muscles had begun to seize up. I resisted the temptation to wince as I took my first steps towards the bathroom to draw myself a bath.

"Esme darling?" came my Mom's voice, "Are you alright"

"Yes I’m absolutely superb; I’ve lost the only man I have ever loved." I called back angrily, I know I am being mean but honestly, if she’s asked me if I’m ok once she has asked me a thousand times. Does she honestly think I am just going to “Snap” out of it?