Title: The Trouble with Chloe
Author: _erinkate_
Summary: Abandoned by her mother at eighteen, Chloe Bradford lives in New York City alone. Trying to make ends meet, Chloe accepts a dangerous job offer that could very well land her in jail. When one night ends tragically, her worst nightmare becomes a reality. After having forged a friendship with her odd neighbor Andrew, Chloe embarks on an adventure to escape the city and get away from the memories that haunt her - and the people that are hunting her. But needless to say, wherever Chloe goes, trouble will be involved.
Review: From the first three paragraphs, I sighed about 12 times at the 12 I’s following the first one. Not only does each of these paragraphs start with “I”, but you continuously go “I did this” and “I did that”. Yawn. Groan. Sigh. Focus on the action (like what was done) more rather than the subject (who did it). After reading 13 I’s I wasn’t exactly ecstatic to continue.
As I continued reading, I could vividly picture the scenery and setting you were describing in my head. You have talent in describing the background. But you distributed it rather poorly. You go from blocks of description to a bunch of dialogue. Even it out a bit—this will help with the fluency, right now, it’s rather choppy.
Your sentences are very long. As I read through the paragraphs, I found that there are literally two sentences in the 8 line paragraphs you have. Split them up a bit. Vary the sentence structure. It’ll not only allow the reader to take a few breaths, but also make the story itself more interesting. Personally, I find sentence structure to be one of the top elements in making a story flow effectively. When you read a short abrupt sentence such as: “So much for hope.”, you can sense the sarcasm in the main character’s tone. Right now, all your sentences are long. Just long. There’s no variation.
Honestly, I stopped reading after Chapter 1. Actually, to be COMPLETELY honest, I was skimming by the time I was at the end of Page 2 of Chapter 1. Right now, because it’s the first chapter, you’re still developing the plot of your story so perhaps that is why it is slow, but it failed to keep my interest. Keep your descriptions to a limit—don’t go overboard; you have a lot of talent in describing but if you overdo it, it sounds way too much like you’re a scientist observing the microscopic effects of fertilizers on corn sprouts or something.
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The Critique
Non-FictionI'm just like the rest of you. A normal person who just loves to write and read. But the thing is, writing can never be perfect and there are many writers out there who want their work to be at least 99.99% amazing. Here I critique stories; I may be...
