The Critique

Rosalie--MrsOswinHolmes

First, a note to those on the waiting list for critiques: I am aware that I did skip a few of you in order to critique this author's writing, but there is a very good reason! Please read, and you'll find out. 

Title: Rosalie

Author: MrsOswinHolmes

You mentioned in your message (and I hope you don't mind that I am saying this publicly) that you were concerned about your story's popularity and you wanted an opinion on whether it was a good story or not. 

I'll be frank with you: it is very difficult for fan-fictions to get a lot of attention. Why are they difficult? They are the hardest genre (in my opinion) to write about because they are based off someone else's idea already.  A story that derives from someone's creative juices automatically attracts your attention because it's his/her own idea, his/her own story. So already you fan fiction writers are a step behind. 

Your story isn't bad. It's cliche, yes. Is that bad? No. Well, not in this case. However, it is unrealistic and choppy. It doesn't sound like a story but more of a "things to do" list. The constant repetition of "I this..." and "I that...." seriously drove me nuts. I can see what kind of effect you were trying to go for, but really, it didn't work. That already made me give your story a strike. The choppiness was extreme and made the plot difficult to follow. 

Also, this is a major pet peeve of mine, but DO NOT describe characters like it is a physical examination. It takes away from the natrual aspect of the story. How do you know exactly from just looking at a person that he is 6 foot 5? I certainly don't. Unless you just have a super sonic height guessing talent, I don't see how that's possible. 

Next, ok, I'll start with a question. If I wrote a story and I included a whole paragraph about how I bought peaches, brocoli, cheese, peanut butter, and chips at the store but I really wanted ice cream but couldn't buy it because I didn't have money, would people be interested? No. I'm sure you just fell asleep reading that one sentence. If you want to mention what Rosalie bought at the clothing store, sum it up in a few words. No one needs to know about her undergarments or how many shoes she bought. 

I just want to clarify that I am not trying to be discouraging and come across as this mean critic who just hates fan fiction. I feel like your story could have more potential and more readers if you address these major spots. These are common traps and mistakes, so others who are reading this, look through your stories and analyze how you can make even one sentence sound better. I can guarantee that you won't regret it.