Title: Intoxication
Author: love_dance_live
Review:
For the past reviews I have written, I always said that the story was moving way too slow. But yours is completely the opposite. You are moving way too fast! When I finally begin to understand a point you made, zoom! You move on to something completely different. For the first couple times I was like, ok, I'm sure it wasn't done on purpose, but as I kept reading, it got annoying. I think you should develop your story more before moving on to a different point. For example, In the second chapter, Jared automatically admits that he was an acting alpha too quickly. I mean when my sister steals something from my room, like my camera, and I call her out for it, it's not an automatic, "Fine, you got me, I have it." she immediately goes, "No, I didn't steal it!" even if I think or believe that she is guilty, she won't admit it until she knows that it's going too far. Unless Jared is a terrible liar, I don't see why you can't extend or add more detail to that scene.
Too much dialogue.
Way too much.
Brianna says this and that, Jared says this and that, Mom says this and that, Mia says this and that, Hayden says this and that. That's all I felt that I read. Then again, I'll admit that I didn't read all twenty-three chapters because for one, I didn't like this story very much, mainly because it was a typical werewolf story. Enemy districts or whatever, girls and guys, the "brave" girl, read it, what's new? But then again, I don't like reading werewolf stories. Being the picky reader I am, I absolutely hate them. So don't feel bad because there aren't really any werewolf stories I like, excepting the very few I do.
However, since I promised to critique your story, here's some more small tips. You have grammatical errors in your story and I'm sure a little polishing up won't hurt. Also, about the "too much dialogue," add some more descriptions about the place, setting, mood, etc. The reader was without any of the background information and you plunged right into the outer details, there was no core inside. We didn't have any base to stand on while trying to follow along, so I think you should include more detail on the inside, because, well I don't know about you, but I always find it hard to write about the background and the core rather than the dialogue. Dialogue is pretty easy because it's like talking in your mind, but background? Not so much; you have to feel like you're actually IN the story and not just on the outside using secondary sources.
Well hope that helps!
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The Critique
Non-FictionI'm just like the rest of you. A normal person who just loves to write and read. But the thing is, writing can never be perfect and there are many writers out there who want their work to be at least 99.99% amazing. Here I critique stories; I may be...
