Can I Hear You Now?

8.1.13

8.1.2013

Dear diary.

It's been a long time since I've even looked in this book, I remember looking at the cover, and touching it, but then getting teary at the thought of writing. I don't know what's wrong with me.

The reason I stopped writing in it, is because something big happened. Charlie, the boy who laughed at me on my first day at the special school, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said no. So he hit me.

It's not like it had been the first person to hit me, but it was the first person to hit me, who I knew liked me. That I liked back. I just didn't like him like that. I'm not friends with Charlie anymore. I stopped being friends with him when he hit me.

I feel like I'm more mature now because I'm older. I'm waiting for my twelfth bithday to come, which is ages away. I know when I'm twelve, I'll be better. I won't be so easy to make sad.

But maybe I will be. Mum has been really easy to make sad. I miss the happy Mum, who only got upset when people were rude, or didn't know sign language so she couldn't tell them stuff or order food. But now Mum gets upset a lot. If she tries to talk to me, and I'm not looking her way, or she's trying to get my attention and I'm playing a game, she gets annoyed when it tkes her a few tries to get me to look at her. Normally it takes her tapping my game and annoying me, or throwing a teddy at me. Because she can't yell like everyone else's Mum can.

It sounds mean, and I feel like a bad person when I think it, but sometimes I wish Mum could talk. That she'd never gone to that boyfriends house and crashed her car, that she'd never lost her voice. Sometimes I tell myself it was her fault. I know it's not though, but it feels like it sometimes. When I'm mad at her. When she's mad at me, because I'm mad at her, because talking is easier than signing.

Why can't life be easy? I saw on TV the other day, there was a show on, to do with deperssion. I think that's what it was called. Deperssion or depression. I don't know. But the lady was talking about how some teenagers think the whole world is against them, and that this can sometimes cause them to hurt themselves.

I used to think the world was against me, but I don't think I would ever hurt myself because of it. I don't like blood.

Not a lot has really happened. I could write about why I'm sad, but I don't know why. It can't be because Charlie hit me, that was last year. Maybe it's because I can't hear most of the time, my ears have gotten worse. But that shouldn't be it either, I'm used to having bad ears. My grades are good, and I have nice friends. Danny comes over a lot. I shouldn't be sad. But I am. I asked Aunty about it, and she said, that maybe I was turning into a woman. I think she means I'm going to start bleeding every month. Some of my friends can't wait for it, but I think they ignore it when the teacher says in sex ed. that it hurts. I don't want to hurt just because I'm a girl. Boys don't have to, all they get is deep voices. Plus, Aunty told me pads are like wearing nappies nobody can see. She was trying to make me smile, but it just made me hate it even more.

It's almost bed time, I'm not tired, but I am sleepy. That doesn't make sense but I don't care. I didn't do much today. It's a Sunday, and I told Mum I didn't have homework but I do. It's really easy though, I'll do it before the teacher gets to class tomorrow.

-Tonya