Never Alone

6 : 0 9 | A M

V O I C E M A I L

"You have reached the phone of Elliot Davis. I'm afraid that I can't answer the phone right now, which probably means that I am really busy doing something that is way more fun than having a conversation with you or...well, I just don't want to talk to you which, in that case, I wouldn't recommend leaving a message. But, if you're really in the mood to piss me off, feel free to leave a message after the tone."

"Hey Elliot. It's...it's been a while since we've last talked.

In all honesty, I'm not entirely sure why I'm calling you. It's not as if we know each other all that well and...and our last conversation has made it pretty clear that getting to know each other isn't going to be easy...at all.

But I...there...there's something that I...I need to tell someone. Not necessarily you in particular...but I...I need to tell someone because...because keeping it inside is killing me. It really, really is because I...I can't deal with being the only one who knows the full truth. And I know...I know this must all sound completely ludicrous to you right now but I don't...I don't really know what else to do. Confessing to people close to me isn't really an option and I...they've been through so much already.

They...they know what happened. They've seen what it's done to me. What kind of a person I've become because of it and I...I don't even know. It's stupid. It really is. I just don't want to burden them, you know? Living with the facts is hard enough. If...if they knew the terror I went through as well as just as the statistics it would...I...it would hurt them.

I know it would. They care for me and...and that's difficult because I don't want to hurt them and...and nothing will hurt them more than the full, very much vivid, in-depth tale of my entire experience. It would...it would terrify them.

And I can't do that to them. Not after all they've done to help me so...so you're kind of my last resort and I'm not saying that we should just open up automatically and start spilling secrets because...we've already discovered that that didn't work. 

When you...hung up on me.

But...we can't force it. That's why you hung up, I think. You weren't really ready. You...you didn't really lead into it. You kind of...just sort of forced it upon yourself like it was something that you had to do but...it isn't, Elliot. Confessing secrets shouldn't be forced because...secrets are incredibly precious. They're...special in a way because they're sort of a safety net. Not knowing everything about a person...in my opinion, makes it easier to talk to them. You don't have to worry about sensitive topics or avoid certain elements of conversation...it's just...easy. And secrets...secrets are what I'm afraid of because...because I can see the betrayal on their faces when I refuse to give them a full account of what happened and I...I just can't. I need to tell someone.

I need to get this off of my chest...without forcing myself to. And...I'm rambling and I'm probably not making any sense right now and...and I don't know if voicemails have a time limit and...and...I...

What I'm trying to say is...don't give up yet. I...I need to tell someone my story in a way that is pointless. I...I need to tell someone what happened in a way that won't end up in court cases and people worried for my sanity because...I...I...that's not what I want. I don't want the pity of a girl caught up in the grand scheme of things. I...I just want someone to hear my voice and understand that I am not going to be okay.

Because I'm not.

And I never will be.

I...I don't know why people are so afraid of that. They say I'm okay. That I will be okay. That I'm going to be okay. Why...why don't they understand that that's just not possible? Bad events shape people and I'm so deformed that I'm not even a regular shape anymore. Why are they too scared to admit that I'm not going to be okay? That...that I've changed? Because I...I have. I'll never be the same.

So...I need someone to tell me that it's not going to be okay and I...I think that's what you need too.

So, why don't we...uh, take this back to the beginning before we started hanging up on each other? Let's just take it back to hello and slowly...slowly break it in. Let's...let's start with talking like normal people and forget that the whole reason we called each other was to confess a massive secret because that...that'll just put a whole lot of pressure on us both. Let's...let's forget this whole confession thing and pretend that we just called one another to find a friend because maybe...maybe it will come more naturally then. Then we won't have to hang up on each other."