LOVE TO HATE YOU

Real Vampires...

I've always loved collective nouns. A murder of crows, a business of ferrets, a mischief of mice. As I sat with JJ and Bruce, I wondered exactly what collective noun would apply:

A cackle of queens.

A gaggle of gays.

A hullabaloo of homosexuals.

To say they were screeching with laughter was an understatement. JJ was currently bent over the couch squealing, broken up by fits of even higher pitched laughter. "He gave you the Heimlich maneuver?!"

And Bruce,...well, he was lying on the floor, tears running across his face, sobbing, "He's a panty smuggler."

It wasn't pretty.

"It's not funny guys!" I said, slamming the dishwasher closed as if I was out to kill the thing. And just in case the dishwasher still wasn't aware that I was totally pissed off, I punched a few extra buttons for added effect.

Still, their laughter continued. They clung onto each other for support now, hooting and snorting like toddlers that had been given crack.

"It's a pity you didn't pass out cold so he could give you mouth-to-mouth," JJ added in between his huge guffaws.

"He's a panty smuggler," Bruce repeated. At least JJ had moved on somewhat.

"It's not funny. This could seriously jeopardize my job," I said, as I stomped through the lounge and threw myself onto the couch. " What if it's really awkward working together, and then everyone finds out and he has to fire me?" A lump formed in my throat and I choked on the words slightly. Losing my job, especially now, would be the worst thing that could happen, especially for my sister. Her future would be over. I wouldn't let that happen, not over my dead body.

JJ and Bruce finally stopped with the hysterics and looked over at me. "Babe, he's not going to fire you," Bruce said, coming to sit next to me. "He said so." At least he was showing some compassion now.

JJ nodded. "No, he won't, besides..." He put on his drag queen Miss Ginny Tonic voice now. "He's in lurve with you!" Both JJ and Bruce ooohed with dilly-sounding excitement.

"I hate you guys right now," I said, and shot them both a disapproving look. But of course I didn't hate them. On the contrary, JJ and Bruce had saved me when I was at my most vulnerable-and by extension, they'd saved my sister, too. They'd saved me again the year before when they offered me rent-free accommodation with them. There was a twenty-year age difference between us, so I looked at them like father figures-my two weird adopted dads. And they certainly treated me like that, apart from the totally inappropriate father/daughter conversations like this one.

"You're right, we're being totally insensitive," Bruce said.

JJ nodded. "We're just jealous. I would have paid good money to have him come up from behind and give me the Heimlich maneuver."

I laughed. "That's because you're a total ho!"

JJ cocked his head to the side and pouted his lips. "Um, look who's talking Miss-take-me-in-the-backseat-of-your- BMW."

At the mere mention of it, I felt my blood pressure rise and I wondered if my face looked as hot as it suddenly felt. The answer soon became obvious when JJ asked, "That good, huh?"

I bit my lip and nodded.

"You dirty bitch." Bruce nudged me playfully. "But seriously. I really think it will by okay. You made things clear and you're a professional. I'm sure he's reasonable and professional, too. Otherwise he wouldn't have the job he has. It's going to be okay." Bruce put his arm around me.

"Thanks guys," I said, finally starting to feel better about this whole thing.

"We're off to the restaurant now," JJ said. "See you in the morning." They both blew air kisses and left.

I walked onto the balcony and had a seat on the huge daybed. The apartment building was on top of a hill in the suburb of Killarney. I'd have never been able to live in such a place if I had saved my entire salary for a whole decade. With their successful restaurant and its cabaret and comedy shows, they'd done really well for themselves, and their penthouse suite, with its incredible view of Jo'Burg was a testament to that. I sat there and watching the flickering lights until I felt tired. I knew I would really benefit from an early night.

Another shower finally rid me of the pesky glitter. It was winter, so I bundled myself up in my big pink fluffy gown with heart shaped print-a gift from my "dads" for Valentines Day-and climbed into bed and closed my eyes. But, as soon as I did, the thoughts came pouring back. How was it possible to have such contradictory feelings about a guy? I was so physically attracted to him, yet repulsed at the same time. Well, repulsed might not be the right word, but downright pissed. He'd carried my panties around and then given them to me at work! At work! In an envelope? Who does that?

He'd been all sexy and seductive and pervy, something I decided I should dislike about him-even if it had driven me wild. Although he'd saved me from possible death by choking, I hated him for turning me into a puddle of pathetic hormones.

Vampira was right about him-She was seldom right about anything. She actually believed that  Vampires were real and she even had a Facebook page dedicated to that, but she was right about this.

"He was so weird." And she should know, I guess. She was completely weird. I've often wondered about her, she always looks like she is in some kind of pain and walks around with an expression that looks like she might want to kill someone. When I first arrived, I tried to get to know her, I was pretty sure there was more to her than her appearance let on. But she was unmoved. 

But Ben's bloody weirdness made him even more mysterious and sexy. (As if he needed that)

Aaaagggh! I was driving myself mental. I needed a good night's sleep. I was sure the hangover and lack of sleep were contributing to my usually rational brain going on strike. I really just needed to stop obsessing.

Everything would be clearer and better in the morning...