LOVE TO HATE YOU

(NEW) SNOOPING AND SNEAKING...

It was seven in the morning, way to early for a normal person to be up and about on a Sunday, but I was. Mainly because I hadn't slept at all. I'd replayed the conversations we'd had over and over again. The one at the party, the one outside the restaurant and then again at the door.

God so much can happen in a week and I bundled all my laundry together, wrapped myself up in extra scarfs and put two warm tops on and waddled down to the laundry room. I hated the fact the laundry room was in the basement parking lot, which was as cold as a morgue in winter. And then to top it off, the washing lines were on the roof- they couldn't be further away if they tried.

I walked into the washing room and immediately saw it. A portable CD player. What the hell was it doing here? I walked over to the thing and looked down at it.

"Press Play."

A note written by Ben was stuck to the top of it. I reluctantly reached out and pressed play, nervous of what the hell I was going to hear. Suddenly Justin Bieber filled the room...

"Is it too late to say sorry... Cause I'm missing more than just your body."

His voice echoed around the room. I skipped to the next song and more music...

"Please forgive me if I need you like I do. Please believe me. Every word I say is true... Please forgive me. I can't stop—"

I quickly skipped. I knew the lyrics of that song. A big 80s power ballad was next...

"After all that we've been through. I will make it up to you, I promise to."

I stopped the CD and stared down at the player. I didn't really know what to think about this? A CD full of sorry songs wasn't exactly going to make it all better. I pushed the CD player aside and loaded the washing machine. I sat on top of it waiting for the cycle to be over while munching my way through a bar of "sugar free" chocolate and drinking a cup of coffee which had also been conveniently left for me.

Suddenly the sound of a little girls voice could be heard echoing through the room. I knew exactly who it was.

I climbed off the machine and stuck my head around the corner, just in time to see Ben and Li climbing out of his car. She was giggling and so was he. I stayed there and watched him interact with his daughter. I wanted to watch him, as if watching him closely, inspecting him might give me some of the answers to the questions I had about him. I also wanted to watch him because despite everything that had happened, I just couldn't help myself from being drawn to him.

I studied every little thing about it. The way he held her hand softly as they walked, they way his eyes lit up with he looked down at her, the way her entire face lit up when she looked up at him. Suddenly the machine stopped and a bell started going off. I saw Ben's head lift and look in my direction. He caught my eyes briefly and smiled. I jumped back behind the wall.

Half an hour later I was standing on the freezing cold roof, trying to hang my delicates in the only beam of sunlight penetrating the gloomy winter's day. I had just finished and was almost frozen from the wind when I heard that familiar laugh again. I moved over to the side railing and looked down. Ben and Li were playing in the garden together. He was chancing her around and she was giggling. I sighed. The more I watched them together, the more I forgot why I was angry with him in the first place, which was so wildly inconvenient since I'd sworn once again to hate him for all eternity. I wanted to turn away and stop watching this, but I couldn't. So stalker of me. I know.

So I took the lift down to the bottom floor again and then tried to creep silently into the garden. There was a small path running against the wall at the back of the rose bushes. If I crept against the wall, I would pop out by the tree and I could see properly. So I put my back to the wall and started sliding across it.