The Days Of Kelsea's

(18) Kelsea - Saturday 25th August, 7.16 p.m., Back Yard.

(18) Kelsea - Saturday 25th August, 7.16 p.m., Back Yard.

It's nice just to come out here to think. Even though the plants are overgrown, the wind's a bit too strong, and the sky is grey. Sometimes you just need fresh air. Being outside is beautiful. Fresh. Reviving. 

Today wasn't as good as yesterday. No where near. It's like yesterday was the best day and today was the worst. Just on completely different ends of the scale. 

Lucy was up before me. I had stayed awake a bit last night listening out for any crying or wailing but there wasn't any. Thank God for that. In fact. Lucy and mum were both up before me. I felt a bit lazy when I walked downstairs and they were both in the kitchen. 

But something was wrong. They were both sitting opposite each other at the table and mum was crying. Just silently. I thought, Oh - here we go again. The Oliver dude must have said something that she didn't like about her hair. Or dress.

But it turned out to be far, far worse than that. Long story short, Oliver wasn't just her colleague - he was her boss. And yesterday morning, while I was out with Kale, she had woken up in his bed. He told her it was unprofessional and wild and reckless and that they just couldn't possibly work together anymore. Basically, she was fired. 

I can't believe him. I can't believe her. I can't believe the whole fucked-up situation. The way she trusted him, the way he must have tricked her. I feel sorry for her... Even though it is partly her own fault. I knew that one day she'd get punished like this for being so careless and unbelievable.

I made her a hot chocolate. Like I made everyone when they're upset. She was just polite - she drank it, she thanked me, and cried even more. Poor Lucy didn't know what the hell to do apart from rub her back and say she would be okay.  

My mother looked so young, crying. She looked so vulnerable and naive and helpless that it made my heart, my stomach, what ever it was, clench. I didn't even have the heart to call Gram because I knew she would probably be as upset as Mum was.

Then it all just stopped. The crying. The complaining. The moaning. She pulled herself together and stood up, without a word. She then went upstairs to shower and left the house. Without telling us where she was actually going.

I stayed in with Lucy for most of the day. There was nothing to do. What I really wanted to be doing was going out to see if Kale was at his truck and he could tell me something magical or take me to that beautiful field and we could get high from blue lemonade and rich music. But Lucy was shaken, scared - just plain upset. I stayed with her watching Friends and Glee.

Sometimes it's nice to watch other random programmes like that to live in someone else's pretend life for a while. It's like reading a book. It takes you to another world while your comfortably in your own, physically, but mentally you're somewhere else. It's so easy to get lost like that.

Have you ever wished someone ever asked you, "Will you run away with me?"

Um, don't really know why I just wrote that.

My phone rang half way through watching the fifth episode of Friends. When I looked at the screen and saw Demi's too-happy, too-pretty face staring up at me, I couldn't supress the huff and I couldn't help but press Decline. It didn't suit me, so I wasn't going to answer it. And I don't feel like saying anything else about her until I'm ready.

I am sure mine and Lucy's eyes popped out of our heads when we saw mum come home a few hours later with bundles of shopping bags, her face and hair wet from the violent rain. She gave us an actual, excited, motherly smile and dumped everything on the kitchen table.

And she began to make dinner.

When was the last time she did this? Three weeks ago? Me and Lucy sort of stared at each other with that little-kid smile on our faces, like the sort of smile siblings give each other when they can't believe something, and they're pleased, and they just mirror each other's expressions.

So mum was actually doing her job. She made home made lasagne and set the table and really made an effort. She didn't say a word about Oliver, or her job, or anything else that would bring bad feelings, she only revealed a smiling, calm aura to us. I said at the beginning of this entry that today was terrible, but I guess today was terrible only until about half an hour ago, when mum came home.

For once she brightened things up.

Oh God. Suddenly the image of seeing my phone flash Demi's picture and name when she called has popped into my head. It's made me remember that day in Pizza Express. Is it guilt that I feel? I miss her, even though I don't want to. I don't want to not be able to cope without her. I wonder how she feels. I wonder if she's been hanging out with Sienna and Maycee and Wes and Ryan.

I wonder why I don't have any other friends like that.

And queue Kale wandering into my mind. Is he a friend now? Is he MY friend? Does he want to be, or does he just hang out with me because he's bored or even feeling sorry for me?

Not thought of that one before. Maybe he does feel sorry for me. Pity me.

But wait - I'm acting as if he knows everything about my life, and he doesn't. He doesn't know much about me. It's my problems that make up a big part of me and he doesn't know anything about them. And I do not know anything about his.

I've never truly, really thought about this before, but . . . Last time I checked, he hung out with cool, sexy, screwed-up, wild people. The only characteristic I have out of them for is screwed-up, and not in the good way that his friends are. But are they still his friends? Has Kale changed, maybe?

Was he this thoughtful and patient and brilliant before? Have I only started to pay attention to him since he has supposedly changed?

So many questions. No answers. It is the most frustrating thing in my life. Once again I am reminded how much I don't know about many things. And how much I care. And how much both those things bother me.

My head is so full of questions, it's close to bursting.

Kelsea x