The Days Of Kelsea's

(39) Kelsea - Friday 12th October, 4.10 pm, School Library

(39) Kelsea - Friday 12th October, 1.15 pm, School Library

Sometimes, I feel like I just suck at life. Seriously - the only friend I have is Demi. I have no one else to ever confide in or just sit with at lunch feeling one hundred percent comfortable. And lately, even those things have not been like they used to.

Demi has other friends though.

She's doing some sort of project with Wes Srand because they both do French and I'm sitting here on the second floor of the library watching them sitting in front of their computer and talking. It's so strange, because I remember when Demi and I were nobodies and he was the major heartthrob and now I'm still a nobody but she's doing French projects with him and I'm here writing this stupid diary.

Why the fuck did I even start this diary? It was meant to make me feel better and spill out everything to try and make me feel more organised inside. But honestly, it's been making me feel worse every time I have to open it.

I've finally realised that talking (or writing) about problems does not make you feel better. It just makes you think about them until you get bored of them and find something even worse.

I used to think that this little black book was a hit.

Having said all of this, though, I won't stop. I don't know why, it feels like I am letting someone down; maybe it's a part of myself. I haven't written in here in six days. Everything has just been so busy - everyone has been so busy. I've had essays to write and little quizzes to study for, and everyone has sent off heir university applications now and that's all they're talking about, but I don't know what I want to do despite the teachers nagging at me, so I just decided to take a gap year like Kale.

He's been very occupied too. He's going on a camping trip with his parents and Christianna this weekend as well, so that deletes any hopes I had for catching up with him. All we ever seem to do now is talk when I come back from school, standing out in the road, then his mother has him doing some job for her or he has to go out and get something, and I have to go and do homework.

EVERYTHING IS JUST SHIT

Yesterday I confronted Lucy. I just said to her out straight, "Are you being bullied? I heard you and Christianna talking. Some guy called Luke."

I realise now, looking back, that it was the worst thing to say. But I just didn't know how else to ask; I am not skilled in being sensitive or caring or theraputic, and I know that it must have sounded terribly awful, but that is the only way I could also get across the point that I love her and I cannot bare the thought of her being tormented and teased and I want her to be happy.

Naturally, Lucy glared at me and her cheeks became scarlet and her bottom lip jutted out into an underbite until she positively burst into tears. This was all while we were in the bathroom before school; I was putting on concealer and she was brushing her hair and the bathroom has the only mirror in the house.

"It's got nothing to do with you!" She cried out, and her hairbrush clattered to the floor and she ran out. I ran right after her and grabbed her arm, which made her roar, "Stop poking your nose into my business! I hate how important you think you are but you just don't understand! You've never been in my position, you don't know a thing!"

"I just care about you!" I yelled back, and I felt like a volcano with its lava bubbling to the surface.

"Shut up, Kelsea," she sobbed. "If you were so bothered, why wait until two weeks later or something to ask me about it! And you have to ask me in that way? I hate you! I just- go away! You don't even know half of the story!"

"Why don't you fucking tell me, then?" I screamed after her as she ran down the stairs with her stupid red hair flying out in thin strands behind her. 

I'm so fucking fucked up and fucking sick of all of this. And you know what I did, after we had that argument? I went round to Kale's house, in such a pathetic way, the most pathetic thing to do.

I knocked and no one was home, and even though I knew it was bad I knocked again but of course no one was still home, so I went over to the garden gate and pushed it open because it is always left and I looked in the French doors of the kitchen and the kitchen was dark and the darkness was unfriendly and made me feel sick and I let the tears roll down my face before walking back out the gate and wondering where Kale was and taking out my phone and ringing him and I got no answer and I cried as I walked to the bus stop and

I just looked up from writing and Demi and Wes are just sitting there laughing quietly and sneakily at something on the screen and I don't have time for this shit. I've taken my diary and just walked off to the Classics section where it just smells of musty old pages and there is no one there so I'm sitting here and I don't care about no one anymore.

After I called Kale yesterday I went to school and then I was sitting in Geography when of course he rang me back. I wasn't mad or embrassed, and the teacher told me to turn it off but I just got up and said I had to take it. Everyone was smirking at the idiot who didn't have her phone on silent, and I stood up and walked to the bathroom, then answered.

He sounded . . . raw. Fresh and raw. He sounded like everything that was not going on right now; just the rythm of his breathing and his casual drawl and I wished I could pull him out of the phone and have him with me. But all I could do was talk to him.

"I just missed you," I replied, when he asked me why I had called because sorry he was at work.

He didn't answer right away. All I could hear was his breathing and some faint guitar music in the background. "Do you still miss me?" He asked eventually.

I nodded like an idiot even though he couldn't see me. "Yeah."

"I miss you too, Kels. I wish we could spend some time together this weekend," he breathed. It made my heart lurch, the way it was said so lowly and desparately and all in a rush. Then he added, "I wish I could spend all weekend with you, really."

Just that brightened my day, and after that I didn't feel so alone. In fact, I felt kind of smug when I htought of Demi and all her new friends. She had Sienna and Maycee and Wes and Ryan? Yeah, well I've got Kale, and he's priceless.

I don't feel so bad anymore now, when I think about it.

"You have to go to your camping thing with you family." I smiled into the phone. I was being a good person now that he had made me feel so beloved. "We can see eachother next weekend."

"Yeah. Let's go out somewhere," Kale insisted immediately. Eagerly. Like a little kid. "I'll think of somewhere to take you."

By then I was grinning. "Okay."

"Right. Brilliant." I could hear the grin in his voice, then. "Are you at school?"

"Yeah. I've come out of Geography."

"Oh. You should get back, then," he mumbled. "I can't wait until next weekend."

"I know." I sighed happily. "Ugh, I wish I wasn't at school. I just ... I wish I could ... " I don't know what I was going to say then. I just don't know. Kale just makes weird stuf come out of my mouth.

"I have to go. I'm sorry, Kelsea." He cleared his throat and sighed tensely. "Have fun learning."

My heart sunk, and I just nodded again stupidly, but this time I didn't reply so he could hear me.

Kale finally said, "Are you still there?"

"Yeah. Bye, Kale," I mumbled glumly.

"Okay. Alright. Okay. See ya, Kels."

There's this irritating, itchy, hot feeling inside my chest when I think about it all. I just wish ... I wish I wasn't at school. I wish I was with him now because he's the only person who makes me feel fine these days. I just want to tell him everything and then some and I don't care if we do something boring next weekend - in fact, I would prefer it because then I can talk to him with no distractions.

I just don't know anymore. It makes me feel so sad and so angry and so pitiful of myself all at the same time when I write in here and when I talk to people and think and when Kale is there and I write about him, it seems to be okay again.

This is not making any sense so I should probably just leave now. I just saw Demi and Wes leave without even trying to find me.

Kelsea