The Days Of Kelsea's

(27) Kelsea - Monday 4th September, 7.31 p.m, The Park

(27) Kelsea - Monday 4th September, 7.31 p.m, The Park

Strange, being in the eldest year in the school. When I think about it, it hasn't been like that until Year Six, when I was eleven. Now, I'm seventeen and it doesn't feel as right as it did back then. 

I walked right up to Demi when I saw her and I just told her the simple truth, that I'm sorry and I was a bitch. In all honesty I don't know why I didn't tell her about Kale and I don't know why she said it was totally fine and she was so smiley. Other than the fact that she was unnaturally happy, she was still the same as ever. I don't know why I didn't call her sooner because it really was easy to make up, but maybe the timing was just right and if it hadn't have been today that I approached her then maybe we'd never ever be friends again.  

We've started Hamlet in English Literature. At lunchtime Demi showed me some paintings she's done over the past few weeks; it's people. People who I don't know, but they're dark and gothic and strangely romantic and they are things that I never would have imagined Demi would conjure up. Apparently the art teacher was pleased. Unfortunately while Demi was showing me these our table was also shared with Sienna and Maycee Rawle who just eat salads and comment about other people around them. They hardly said a word to me but were all over Demi's work. I don't think they were too pleased that I'm back in the circle of trust. 

I got that saying from Meet The Parents, the last film that I watched with mum. 

Mum ended up getting a new job. It's some sort of co-manager in Tesco, which isn't as good as her old job as a practice organiser in a physio-therapist, but it will do just fine. Lucy went to school and then went straight to bed, and after I organised my English file colour-coordinatedly I picked you up and I brought you to the park to sit on the swings with. 

I miss Kale with an awful aching inside my chest. What else is there for me to do? I can't stop thinking about him and I don't understand how we could be kissing one night for the first time and then the next day stubbornly I'm pushing him away as he's suddenly intrusive. 

I saw Christianna Atticus at school and she waved, and Demi asked who she was and I just said simply, "My neighbour." Demi will remember her soon, and she'll remember Kale too, like I'm trying to forget him. 

A ladybird has crawled onto this page and I wonder how many things it has seen. I wonder if it's been around for long enough to almost get squashed by excited children on the roundabout over there after their first day in a big school, or to maybe witness a feuding family, a mother and father's love buried under debt and children problems and God only knows what else. Maybe it's been on the lid of a bottle of harsh vodka that some destructive, graffiti-spraying teen fell asleep with on the climbing frame last night, abandoned by her so-called friends. Perhaps it's stood at the foot of the first kiss of two innocent people, while they were escaping from their crazy worlds. Maybe it's seen Kale. 

I want to touch it, but as I moved my finger, it's flown away at surprising lightening speed. 

I wish I could fall asleep in this park, like sleeping beauty or something. I wish Kale would find me. I wish Kale had held onto me tighter yesterday and hadn't let me run.  

I wish he was here with me right now. 

Oh God, I think I am falling in love with this boy I hardly know but this boy that I know so much. I keep thinking about him and I can't think of anything else and having made up with Demi and mum having got a job is not enough to fill in the gaps that he has left. And the funny thing is that these gaps weren't even there a couple of weeks ago. Maybe it's because when I started spending time with Kale again, he made up a whole new part of me. 

Kelsea x