Poem Addiction

Doodles Of My Pain

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Black... the color of bitterness and sorrow,
He paints my life, my past -- he defines my tomorrow,
They say it's not all it is in retrospective,
But... it's all to me in my own perspective,

White becomes dreadful, red becomes weak,
Blue becomes uncomfortable, green becomes bleak,
While black becomes the color of livelihood,
With 50 shades of gray inside its brotherhood,

So you wonder why I dress in dark clothing,
And why I don't care for my own well-being,
Well, it's because I'm legally deaf to all opinion,
To whether my life is or is not heading to oblivion,

My doors are closed to all your suggestions,
Don't knock, don't speak, you'll just worsen my aggravation,
When I say I love my life, I say it with great contempt,
When I say I wanna die, I say it with deep intent,

Depression... she keeps me alive everyday,
When I get a taste of elation, she waits at bay,
Ready to pounce upon her feeble meal without pity,
Deprived of joy, and on all kinds of ideality,

I worship her so much I wanna be like her,
Sad and starving, I'm a loyal follower,
Taste blood and still smiling, I'm the highest worshipper,
In turn... she feeds negativity to me -- the hungry receiver,

She is my mother -- the source of my creation,
Depression loves it when I revel in her dictation,
She loves obedient ones who bring her meals -- especially, ones that are weak,
The ones like us... She loves to devour them... the gullible and the meek,

Whatever I do, I shouldn't make her bear any ill-will,
Because then you'll find that she can really kill,
I don'want her upset, or contemplating,
And don't dare tell me she's wrong and not helping,

Death... he becomes my guardian, who's ready to fetch me,
He says it's time to go and get ready,
But each time he says so he leaves without me,
He breaks promises, ones I yearn for painfully,

He said he's my best friend, and he would visit me,
I dreamt him at my funeral, smiling and finally happy,
He told me the wonders of the Dark, and specifically of the Black Gate,
And I'm there amidst all the spirits whose own judgements they await,

He smiled at me faintly and said, "You've come to your final moment."
I nodded exultantly and said,
"You're my Angel who He so sent."
Alas, when he touched me I became dust, and to the wind I was handed,
I sharply caught my breath and woke up dumbfounded,

It was so near, he was within my grasp,
Now I'm crying in my bed, my hands clasped,
The pain of losing Death was so great and heavy,
My heart ached so much, and I felt very uneasy,

Suicide... she's my only true companion,
We use blood on my wrists like crayon,
Sometimes she brings a rope so we could play,
But then she hides it and goes away at the end of the day,

Nonetheless, I wait for her excitedly,
Not a day goes by without her with me,
Sometimes I'm at school and she calls,
I space out and in her words I get enthralled,

"Let's color blood from your wrists."
"Just wait for death till your mind twists."
"Think of the rope and how much it would please you."
"Write a letter of goodbye to the people who'll miss you."

I got back home and I felt extremely sickly,
She was there again smiling wickedly,
She called me to my bedroom, and there a chair await,
I went up and grabbed the rope, jumped, but it snapped within my weight,

I failed.... *sigh* another day to live,
I failed.... *sigh* another damn to give,
I failed.... *sigh* another pain to receive,
I failed.... *sigh* another set of deceitful words to believe,

Don't pretend like your sympathetic;
It makes me feel pathetic.

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