Autism

Autism and me

I always had autism, always known I had it, but what change my life is learning more about Aspergers. The day that I research it was when I was a stump. I wanted to know why everyone else had this idea or thought about how everything works and I wondered, why was I a little more curious about how something worked because when I find an object that I hadn't seen before, I flipped it, turn it on (or off ) or just take it apart and put back together again. Just to see how it works. I never really thought I ever think differently from the other children, I just thought we all see the same thing, but I never knew that thinking in images or pictures is unique to animals and autistics.

Animals and people with autism think, see, feel and hear a similar way and many children with autism are often called"wild child," referring that we act like animals. Having a pet does help with the stress and keeps a person calm. I don't think I would be the same if it wasn't for Princess or Abby (short for Albert). I also read a book "Animals in translation; Using the Mysteries of Autism to Decode" by Temple Grandin and it's about using Autism to learn more about the language of animals.

I learned a lot and I want to keep learning more about myself, autism and animals. Every time I studied animals, I feel closer to them somehow. This may because I am autistic. I used my imagination to put myself into their world. At that moment, I am not a human, I am an animal.

I never understood high school and I get bullied for being myself but called rude if I do what they wish. A lot of people at my school, tells me to "Shut up" or "Be quiet" but when I decide not to speak to them anymore to help protect myself, I get "Why are you so rude?" "Don't you like me" or "Why aren't you speaking?." I know I don't always think before I speak but until a year ago, I didn't have a filter. I had to make my own. I literally had to make a mental filter that everyone else was a program to have. I also don't have a gray area so I only have to extremes. I can be too nice and everyone walks over me or over (mad, protective, I have not clue what word to put there). But when I am in this mode I don't hold back and tell people how I feel. This usually happens when someone is being very disrespectful or getting hurt. 

I tried my hardest not to be rude and say sorry if I feel if I have offended someone, this is why I can't tell funny jokes. I am afraid it will offend someone. I try my hardest to prove to everyone that I can do everything that they can do. Teachers have often told me (or mom) that I will never graduate high school and I never stop trying to prove them wrong. I am not a competitive person but I love a challenge. And when someone says I can't do something because of my disability, I am determined to prove them wrong.