There's A Reason - A Larry Stylinson Love Story

Chapter 15 - What Was Right In Front Of Me

There was only one day left before Louis returned. I’d spent all the time I could sitting either in my room or up in what I was coming to call the thinking room, reading the journal. I figured there was no point in stopping now; Lou would already kill me if he found out I read anything so I might as well finish.

He’d continued to write about how it was uncomfortable when fans ask if we’re gay since he wasn’t actually straight. I’d never noticed that he avoided answering those questions from the media; he let the rest of us answer instead. He felt really guilty and as if he’d let us all down by not being totally honest. Why didn’t he just tell us? He shouldn’t have doubted our love. We wouldn’t leave him just because he liked guys as well as girls.

As I read on I thought more about my own feelings of guilt. I had a secret I was hiding from Louis and all the boys apart from Liam, too. I didn’t plan on telling them either. It seemed like we both could use a good dose of bravery.

The more I fell into his perspective of our time together as a band, the more I saw how much I liked him. I could imagine him saying everything he’d written; it was just so indescribably Louis.

I found myself picturing him more often, putting down the journal and just letting my mind wander. His sparkling blue eyes, that adorable smile, and an eternally joyful face. His random fear of growing old, and the complete immaturity we all loved. His love for striped shirts, braces, and TOMs, which I’d never fully understood. I couldn’t concentrate anymore, thinking of all the little things that defined my Boobear.

I thought of him so possessively. It had always been my Louis, my Boo. It was likely due to the version of himself that he became when it was just us two. I loved how he could be as cheeky as me sometimes, his devotion to his fans, and his passion for music.

For some reason, I’d never been able to refuse something he asked. If he wanted carrots, then carrots he would have. If he wanted to cuddle, then cuddle we would do. If he wanted my jacket, it’d be on his body in a few seconds. I’d never questioned why I was so willing to do anything for Louis, yet nobody else got the same reaction from me.

Digging deeper into my mind, I reached for the feelings I had when I was around Lou. His laugh made me smile, and his cheerful moods were contagious. If he was sad, I felt worried and became sad with him. I recalled a feeling of comfort, as if I needed him by my side to stay calm. Many other feelings were also there, like the need to be close to him, to hear his voice, to know he wanted me by his side as much as I did him.

Could it be that Liam was actually right? Had he sensed my emotions even before I fully understood what was happening?

Quickly opening my laptop, I popped open a YouTube tab and typed in ‘Larry Stylinson’. I was curious to see why the fans always seemed to think we were in love. Clicking an interesting looking link, I pressed play.

Pictures and video clips slid by, one after another after another. All the moments where we’d been cuddled up, or pretending to make out, or giving each other love bites just for the fun of it. Our stage moments meant for laughs, and even some points where we were caught just staring in each other’s eyes and smiling. Some of these things I never knew had happened.

Throughout the video, I reminisced. Just like Lou’s journal I’d been reading, I let all our memories play back from day one. As I looked back, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed anything.

I hadn’t recognized the tingle on my skin left from his touch, or the completeness achieved only by having him in my arms. I hadn’t paid attention to my deepest emotions when we had a ‘romantic’ moment, and I hadn’t opened my eyes and seen what was right in front of me for so long.

I was in love with Louis Tomlinson. Louis, my best friend. My band mate. The one I’d promised I’d be friends with forever. The only one I never wanted to ruin my relationship with.

And who I’d just found out was hiding that he was bisexual.

My mind drifted in that direction. What would I be considered now? I knew I was in love with him, but I wasn’t sure what that meant. Was I gay? Was I bisexual, like he was? Was I just confused?

The best way to tell would be to see if I was attracted to any guys other than Louis, and if I still felt attracted to any girls. But how could I do that?

I scrolled through pictures on my laptop. Well, I could at least start here. I clicked open some older files and found the one I was looking for filled with pictures of my exes.

One by one, I opened the pictures. Some of them it stung to remember, but some I didn’t recollect in the slightest. After a bit, I stopped. The memories were hurting me, but I’d proved something to myself: I was still attracted to girls, but only slightly.

Next I had to test if I was attracted to boys. I texted my sister to ask who the hottest guy celebrities are other than us, using the excuse of I was trying to prove one of the other boys wrong. Sure enough, she sent me back a list of names, which I entered into an Internet image search.

I scrolled through these just as I’d done with the girls, but couldn’t seem to find anything interesting. I sighed before shutting the laptop and replacing it on the table.

So I found girls slightly appealing, but definitely did not like guys. At least, not guys in general. It was only Louis.

Would that make me… Lousexual? That’s what I decided to call myself, at least for now.

Should I tell the boys about my newfound sexuality? How would they take it? Would they be worried I’d fall for them, or disgusted to have some with them who could fall for them and they wouldn’t know it? I knew exactly how Louis was feeling in that moment. I didn’t want to face them and have them be disgusted. I was bad with rejection, and so was he. So it appeared my Lousexuality was going to remain a secret.

I opened my eyes. I hadn’t realized I’d closed them in the first place, but oh well. Rubbing them a little, I turned over on my bed and reached for the journal again. Picking up where I’d left off, I read more about the guilt eating him up.

God, I felt terrible. How could I have been right next to him all this time and not even have noticed him dying inside? He was quite literally killing himself under the weight of his secret, and I’d done nothing to help. It hurt me, knowing he was hurting and I couldn’t do anything.

Maybe when he got home tomorrow I could confront him, tell him I’d figured out his secret and I was there for him. I wouldn’t have to tell him I read the journal; he never needed to know. I just wanted him to know he wasn’t alone and never would be. I wanted to be his shoulder to lean on and comfort when it was needed. He was my world, and I wanted to be his everything.

It was funny how nothing seemed to matter to me anymore except Louis, ever since these feelings started appearing. I hadn’t been worried about my feelings when management dropped the bomb on us; I’d been scared for Louis. I wasn’t dreading the hate I was going to receive, but dreading what I knew Louis would see. I’d always been so protective of him, my Boo.

Continuing, I read that his secret was expanding. So I was right; there was something else his secret had turned into. I scanned the pages faster and faster, trying desperately to find it. There.

Louis was in love with one of us. One of the boys in the band.

I didn’t know whether to cry from happiness or sadness. To jump around with joy or curl up in a ball and sob. Sure, it might be me he was referring to. If so, that was wonderful. We could just turn this relationship for the press into something real. If not, it meant I really had no chance and was setting myself up for heartbreak. Either way, I knew I wouldn’t leave his side and would keep trying to get him to fall for me. I didn’t have the courage to just confess to him.

Luckily I didn’t have to do anything, because I had to slam the book shut and hide it. There were loud, pounding footsteps sounding down the hall. The door handle turned, and I expected it to be Liam asking for laundry or for me to go do something. Or maybe Niall coming to ask me to make him more food. So I was completely surprised and my breath caught in my throat when I recognized the figure in my doorway.

“Louis?”