Confused » Jelsa AU

47

Elsa Winters

The prayers that I had been whispering weren't probably heard for the worse had happened. Jack caught her on top of me. He got angry. He assumed the worst of all things; It's ruined now. I am back to what I was before. I have nothing left.

For some reason, I felt like it was my fault. Everything was my fault. If I only agreed to Jack about not letting her stay with us, then, he wouldn't be angry at me. We would still be the same people who would sit in front of their television and watch melodrama all day. We would probably still be the couple who dances to the most randomest of songs. We would still probably be the two people in the world who are happiest even though we don't have every single thing in our palms.

But those little things were ruined. They were ruined when I had opened the door for her; I opened the door for her to ruin us.

It has been hours since he last spoke. He kept pacing back and forth, as if he's in deep thought while I sat there, trying to contain the sobs by keeping my lips shut tight.

He suddenly stopped. "So, you were lying on the couch and she tripped unto you?" He started. "Or you must've invited her?" Those words uttered by him immediately pierced my heart. 

Is that how low he thinks of me?

But I could no longer care about my pride. Even if I have my pride unscathed yet I don't have him, then, I'd rather get insulted until my pride is trampled into dust.

"Jack, it's not what you think. I would never--" I was immediately cut off by him.

"You would never what?" He let out a bitter chuckle. "Ah, you would never love me because you still love her? Is that what you want to tell me?"

My eyes widened in surprise. "No! No! You got it wrong! I--you mean so much to me; more than the world--"

"If I mean so much to you, why couldn't I feel it?" He smiled bitterly. "Just admit it, Elsa-- admit that you could never love me so that I would stop from all of this fuckery."

Fuckery.

All of the things that we did through thin and thick were all fuckery. The morning walks, clean laundry, Spanish telanovelas, warm hugs, butterfly kisses, sweet whisperings, slow-dancing, late nights, saying 'I love you'; they were all fuckery.

Ouch, it hurts more than it should.

"You call the t-things that happened between us a fuckery? Well, that's insulting." I scoffed, wiping the tears that were streaming down my face.

"Why, as far as I could remember, you said that there's nothing between us!"
Jack exclaimed.

"I said that because I was afraid!"

"Afraid of what, Elsa? Tell me so that I would be enlightened."

"I-- Haven't I cleared everything up? I told you that I like you so much."

"Yet you never told me that you love me." He sneered.

"Does words matter to you that much? Aren't my actions enough for you?" I asked back. His blue eyes had softened for a mere second before it came back to being stoic.

"How would I know that you love me when you dont even show it?"

Since when did words weigh more than actions? Aren't my actions enough to show that my feelings are more than 'I like you'? Doesn't my jealousy towards him and Astrid proves that I truly fell for him?

Aren't they enough?

"Doesn't my jealousy showed it all? Didn't my tears showed it how hurt I was when you were with her?" I started feeling the tears again as they rolled down from my eyes. "But if that's what you want to hear; I love you. I love you so fucking much that it terrifies me. It terrifies me that if we were ever to be together officially, you would suddenly stop loving me because I had worn you out."

"Is that how low you think of me?"

"No--"

"Do you think after all the things that happened, I would just stop loving you because I got tired? I would never get tired of you, Elsa. I love you as much as you love me and probably more than that." He exhaled, his fingers ran through his hair in frustration.

"I fell deeply in love for you that I am ready to risk everything!"

"And I fell deeply in love for you that I would do the same but I'm tired of fighting, Jack." I sighed.

"Elsa..."

Space.

That is what the two of us needed the most. For the countless of days, we've been inseparatable, as if we're two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together and refuses to be broken apart. We're two different people who found theirselves wanting to be in each other's arms forever.

And it shouldn't be like that.

We're both people who has unfinished businesses and unsolved problems. I still haven't fixed my relationship with my parents and he hasn't talked to Emma yet. I need to find myself and he needs to find himself too.

We need space as much as we need each other.

I smiled, feeling the tears burn and had caused my vision to become blurry once again. "Ja-jack, do you remember when I ask you to come with me, so that I could meet my mother?" I asked. "She wants me back."

His gaze that was once colder than the winter nights had softened. His lips quievered, wanting to say something yet he ended up having tears roll down his pale cheeks. He bit his lip, supressing the sobs that tried o escape his lips.

"E-elsa please, I can't live without you." He stuttered.

"We were inseparatable and we argue on most of the things." I whispered as I reached out to hold his hand before I go. My fingers laced with his and that caused him to shed more tears.

Please don't cry, my love.

"Elsa..." He whined through the sob that he emitted.

"I believe it would be better if we give each other space--"

"Fuck that line, okay? I'm sorry Just don't leave me. Be with me. Stay with me." He told me in a demanding tone. 

"We need to step out of each others life for awhile, Jack." I exhaled, letting my hand linger for a while, familiarizing the size of his hand, the lines, the curves, his knuckles. I want to memorize them all before I leave.

"No. I wont. I wont let you go. I would tie you to this couch. I would keep you here--" I had cut him off before he could even do something.

"Goodbye, Jack."

And I left.