crybaby- Lil Peep fanfiction

chapter 17

sorry if updates become less frequent. im in a bad place and sometimes this helps me vent and say my thoughts without people thinking i'm completely insane, but sometimes this story just makes me feel stupid and wanna end it (the story and me) and i feel bad for keeping the real ones who have read this thing from chapter 1 to now waiting without an explanation :(:

time skip to the day before halloween

gus pov

i get up late, but i force myself to go to school anyways. 15 xans could make me forget. i swallow the white bars one by one. i pull on the first clothes i can find and leave.

skip to lunch

bianca pov

i sit by lucas and his friends now. they arent very interesting and they make fun of the other kids. i dont like it. lucas has his heavy arm around me. i dont want it there. i can feel gus's eyes on me as i eat strawberries. what happened to the deepness that once filled his eyes? now, i only see a flat, sad stare. i feel a pang in my chest. i used to make him so happy. why did i have to ruin him the way i did? our eyes make contact. his are glassy and full. what did he take? "bianca??" lucas says impatiently, knocking me out of my trance. "hm, what?" i reply, my tone matching his. he pinches me slightly, this is a warning. "jenny was just asking if you were coming to her halloween party tomorrow?" i dont really want to go, if i'm being honest. lucas's eyes tell me it doesnt matter what i want. "parties arent usually my thing, but i'll try and make it," i say weakly. lucas looks satisfied. "great! wear a costume. not too slutty, but dont go full out, ok?" a bubbly jenny says to me. "yeah, ok. who else is going?" "the whole school, silly! even those losers you used to hang with," she says, nodding to peep, brooke, cassie, blair, and tracy. "theyre pretty cool once you get to know them," i say automatically in their defence. jenny makes a slight face but soon gets over it and continues letting her happiness boil over and down my throat. 

skip to before the party on halloween

i go my makeup normally, but with a red eye look and winged liner. i put on all red (except black leggings) and a devil horns headband. this was as good as we were getting tonight. i grab my phone, headphones, and chapstick and head out the door to my car. "this was gus's favorite holiday," i remind myself aloud. it hurts just to say those 5 simple words. maybe drugs and alcohol can ease the pain. "you know what? let's go get fucked up," i say to myself again as i park my car.

gus pov

tracy and i arrive at this huge party. i really just wanted an excuse to get super fucked up. i walk in and i'm immediately grateful i took so many xans, as i would normally have a panic attack because of the amount of people. someone offers to roll me a joint. they do and i take it without hesitation. i inhale it in long, slow breaths. tracy pulls me over to where some people are doing cocaine. they let us join in easily. after about 2 hours, i've had 3 acid papers, 2 xanax, snorted 4 lines, drank one cup of lean, smoked 3 blunts, and downed some kind of alcoholic drink. i can almost feel a sober-me inside fucked up-me, keeping me calm and collected. music is thumping loudly and i almost smile. and then i saw bianca. we havent really been talking besides the occasional "stay alive". i can't help but think about when she was my baby. i could've sworn i saw pain flash across her cat eyes. she is hanging out by lucas and his douchebag friends. she smiles warily at me. i return the same look. lucas puts his head next to hers, as if to see what she is looking at. we make eye contact for a split second and lucas's gives her a venumes look. he starts yelling at her, ot at least i think he is - i cant really hear over the extremely loud stereo. bianca looks small and child like as lucas continues to scream at her. i start seeing red. "don't do anything unless you have to," tracy warns. i nod, but keep my eyes on them. the fire in her eyes glows as she begins to yell back. i know tracy is watching, too. lucas lifts his arm and slaps her across the face. my vision goes blurry and i can no longer hear the banging bass. before i know it, i find myself stepping between bianca and lucas. i punch him square in the nose as hard as i can, feeling the crack of his bone beneath my fist. blood gushes out from his nose and splatters. i don't care. bianca slips away from this scene and finds her way out the door. i get up and leave after her, as does tracy. "bianca, i'm sorry i just couldn't let him hit you like that." i say as i catch up with her. "it's okay," she answers automatically. "don't apologize for it, either. own that shit. he hits girls, so you broke his nose. i dont see much of a problem with that," she adds, shrugging slightly. i smile a little bit. "you know, i can't let you drive home," i say to her. she furrows her brows. "why not?" "you're kinda fucked up," "not really," she starts defensively. "YOU'RE fucked up," she shoots. "yeah, i am pretty fucked up. 3 blunts, 2 xans, 3 acid papers, 4 lines, a cup of lean, and some kinda alcohol. what'd you take?" i respond casually. she looks stunned. "where's you get xanax? i had to take my own before i got here. i had a cup of lean, two or three drinks,  4 blunts, and an acid paper," she says, speech slurring slightly. "brooke didnt take anything," tracy says from behind me. guess who's playing taxi? 

skip to brooke taking gus and tracy and bianca home

bianca pov

"hey, can i drop you both at gus's? tracy's house is a few miles in the opposite direction," brooke asks. her voice sounds far away. "yeah, walking home is gonna be fine," i say, slurring slightly. brooke nods and keeps driving. soon, she lets us out and whispers something to gus. i ignore it. "i can't let you go back to him. i know you chose him before, and that was okay. i know im ugly. i know im suicidal. i know im a junkie. i know im unpopular. i know i look weird. i know im a lot to handle. i wouldnt have chosen me either. but now, you dont get a choice. you can't go back to him. i dont care if he tries to scare you into it, someone will help you," gus says as he sits down on the driveway. what happened to 'females arent your property'? "you dont get to tell me what to do," i say. i feel woozy and my vision goes in and out of focus. gus laughs bitterly. "bitch, i'm done," he says, voice breaking. i have to remind myself that he's under the influence, or i might've punched him out. "no, gus. you do not get to call me a bitch and you do not get to order me around! you taught me to respect myself and not take shit from other people. you taught me not to put up with that, so im not going to," i say slowly. i can hear gus crying. it sounds like he is a galaxy away, but i still hear it. his shoulders move and his breathing is fast and deep. i feel a pang of guilt. i turn around and prepare to walk away when i hear the unmistakable click of a loaded glock. i stop dead in my tracks and start breathing deeply to prevent a panic attack. i keep my back turned. i tell myself it'll be easier this way. if i die like this, if gustav shoots me right now, at least i didnt see his face. "i'm gonna shoot this is you run," he says, voice shaking and cracking.

 "blow my brains out just for fun," he says faintly, almost whispering to himself. 

even though my hearing is out of sorts and my head is throbbing, i still hear him. heat builds behind my eyes. i turn around and see peep, with a matte black gun pointed at his temple. it's loaded and ready. he watches me to see what i do next. i cover my hand with my mouth. "gus, please, dont do it," is all i can manage to say right now. she shakes his head and keeps the gun held steady next to his head. i start walking over to him and notice that silent sobs are still racking his body and his face is soaked with tears. tears cried for and with me. i start to move more quickly. i soon find myself right next to him, easing the gun out of his hand. he shakes his head slightly and his finger moves to the trigger. "gus," i coo to him. his watery eyes turn to me. his whole body is shaking. despite all this, he has a slight smile on his face. not a full-on grin, but the corners of his mouth are turned upwards slightly. chills fall down my spine. my hand wraps around the gun, the other gently peeling his fingers off of it. his hand falls next to his criss-crossed legs. i shove the burner across the pavement as a lame attempt to keep it away from gus. he lays his head on my shoulder and i wrap my arms around him. i keep holding him until he is seems exhausted. "let's get you upstairs, okay?" i say soothingly. he nods and gets up. "can you stay?" he croaks quietly. i nod. "you won't be able to get rid of me tonight."

this event inspires 'driveway'. ALSO I SNEAK OUT EVERY NIGHT YOU GUYS SHOULD TRY ITS FUN AF