crybaby- Lil Peep fanfiction

chapter 3

THIS IS A LONG ASS CHAPTER IM SORRY

gus pov

i have butterflies in my stomach still. why did she kiss me back? she cant possibly like ME. can she? if i was a girl, i wouldnt like me. i dont even like myself now. i climb back into my bedroom. i lay on my bed and try to sleep, but the scenes keep replaying in my head. i get up and start to string together lyrics that have been scrawled in the small notebook i keep. the high from my xanax is starting to wear off. finally, i give up and go to sleep. because sleep is a substitute for death, which is really what you need.

10:00 NEXT MORNING (youre welcome it isnt on the roof)

"good morning, gus," my mom says cheerfully. "morning," i reply. why cant you be more happy? you have everything!  "you were loud coming down last night," she states casually. what the hell? "did i wake you?" i ask thoughtfully. "no, of course not," "how did you know?" "i've heard you sneak out since you were 8 years old and wanted to go to the park," i cringe. she knew? why wasnt she freaking out? "wait, why arent you freaked out?" "because i trust you," she shrugs. why would  anyone trust me? does bianca trust me? i dont trust me. "you were up there alone?" she asks. "yeah," "peepers, you shouldnt lie to your mother." shit. now i was REALLY in for it. "i started out alone," i justify. "who has been coming over for the past couple of weeks? there has been a little more creaking than normal." what do i say to that? i dont want to lie, but i dont know what to call us. was bianca a friend? was she more than that? HAHA no. she is nothing more than a girl who is using you for weed. she wouldnt care if you killed yourself. she wouldnt care if you fell off the roof. she wouldnt care if you got hit by a car. she is uncomfortable around you. you make her sad and anxious. nice job, you bastard. "just a girl," i finally decide on, my face turning bright red. "a friend or is she more than that?" "im honestly not sure," "what makes you say that?" "we just...i dont know. she comes over at night and we sit together and talk and laugh like friends, but last night there was just...more." my faces flushes red again. "what do you mean, more?" "we kissed twice and held hands but nothing else." mhm. keep lying. tell your mom as many lies as you can think of. you guys were both high, remember? "oh my god, she TOTALLY has the hots for you!" mom exclaims. "she does not!" "she does so!" "it was one night. we were both tired anyways. it was nothing," i say, even though i am praying that it was more than that. "it was something," my mom says. "school is starting soon. next week." shit. i only have a few friends and im not all that great at making them. would you stop being soooo ungrateful? seriously, you have clothes on your back, shoes on your feet, and food in the kitchen you could have so much less. some people would kill to have your life. everyone thinks im smart, but i disagree. i cant do anything right. just as i'm about to get sucked into a spiral of depressive thoughts, i think about what bianca would say if she knew this was how i thought. would she try to make me feel better or would she ignore it? would she pry or would she let me ramble about wanting to kill myself? would she let me cry or make fun of me? my thoughts are interrupted by a text from her.

bianca: are you ok?

gus: wym

gus: im fine

bianca: why dont i believe you?

gus: are YOU ok?

bianca: i asked you first

bianca: dont go switching up the subject

gus: im fine

gus: why are you asking

bianca: the things that you say and do scare the shit out of me

bianca: its like youre trying to get hurt

gus: why does it matter to you?

gus: why do i matter to you?

gus: why do you want me to be happy?

gus: why wont you tell me if youre ok? are you?

i know that she probably gasped when she read those. i feel bad for her, but she asked. why am i burdening her with my problems? while i wait for a response, i go up to my bedroom and sit on my bed. i hear my mom leave for work. now i can really be alone, as i should always be. i dont want to bother anyone else. i dont want to ruin anyone else's life. i dont want anyone to feel bad for me. i lay on my bed and contemplate whether today should be my last day on earth or not. tears spring in my eyes. i get a text.

bianca: open your window

bianca: peep, let me in.

i can barely drag myself to the window, where i numbly unlock it and open it. "you arent ok," bianca says, mostly to herself. "yes i am," "no you arent and it's alright. you dont have to be ok," she says soothingly. everything is easier around her. i want to cry. i want to die. i dont want to intrude into her life any more than i already have. i feel her warm hand take mine and lead me to my bed. we sit down. i feel a single tear roll down my cheek. where the hell is your gun? "oh, gus," she says as she wipes away my tears that continue to fall, no matter how hard i try to hold them back. "it's just so hard," i whisper. "i know," she says, and it sounds like she knows exactly how i feel. it almost sounds like she is the one contemplating suicide. what if she is? you would know if you werent so selfish. suck it up. "im sorry," i force out, my voice cracking. "shhh," she tells me. she holds me and tells me its alright. "its all gonna be alright, peepers. you're gonna be ok," she says. i cry more, but i try not to show it. she plays with my hair as i sit with her and cry. i keep wiping away tears, but it's so use. im humiliated, but i still can't stop crying. i finally start to calm down, but bianca doesnt leave. my steady flowing tears turn to misty eyes and my misty eyes turn to small sniffles. when i am done, she turns to me and holds my hands. "what happened?" she asks, seeming concerned. tell her. spill. let her know why she just held you for twenty minutes while you cried over seemingly nothing. you owe her an explanation. "i just...its a long story, i guess," i shrug. "i have nothing but time," "ive been depressed for a few years and its been getting worse. i just...it feels like i  am drowning (you have no idea how much i wanted to quote greys anatomy right there lmao) all the time. i become absorbed in my thoughts about how terrible i am and how i should just..." i trail off. "end it all," bianca finishes, tears shining in her eyes. how did she know? "it just gets so hard. i dont...i think...if you hadnt come over when you did, i dont know what i wouldve done," i explain. she nods. she had been really listening to me the entire time, not just trying to be polite. "next time you get stuck like that, i want you to call me, okay? i can help, but only if you let me," she says, squeezing my hands. "i dont deserve you," "yes, you do," "why should i continue?" i ask. "because i need you to stay alive for me. if you cant do it for you, do it for me. i know it feels like you have nobody right now, but you have me," she responds with a few tears falling. i wonder if she really knows how it feels. her bright green eyes shine as she stares at me with a caring look in her eyes. "can you do me favor?" i ask. "anything," she responds, ready to get up or get something. "kiss me." she leans in closer and puts her hands in my insane hair. i can feel my heart beating. her smooth lips crash into mine and i kiss back with a little extra passion. i cannot hear anything but my own heartbeat in my ears. a small moan escapes my lips as her tongue enters my mouth. i can smell her perfume. my hands move down to her waist and i pull her onto my lap. her arms are smooth against my neck. everything thing about her intoxicates me. she pulls her mouth away, biting my bottom lip. i kiss her neck, leaving a hickey. i bring my lips back to hers and kiss her softly. bianca lets out a soft moan. we pull away. "wow," i say. "wow," bianca says. she pulls out her phone to look at the hickey i gave her. "shit, my mom's finna kill me when she sees this" she says, eyes wide. "i'm sure it'll be okay," i say. "i mean, if it isnt from a random dude i guess she wont totally freak..." "no choice but to make this little thing official and exclusive," i smile. "no choice," bianca smiles back. "i have to leave, im really sorry," she says with a small frown on her face. "its alright. i'll see you soon," i say. i cup her face with my hands and kiss her softly. she grabs her phone and climbs out the window. i feel like i'm on cloud nine. dont fuck this one up.

OKAY SINCE THIS WAS SO LONG ON ITS OWN IM JUST GONNA DO SOME OF BIANCAS POV IN THE NEXT CHAPTER AND THEN THEY GO TO SCHOOL O.o also THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH for reading these and voting on them!!!! im shooketh. i really thought they were terrible, but yall seem to disagree. as always, if there is anything specifically that you think i should improve on, PLEASE. LET. ME. KNOW. I AM BEGGING YOU. gus and bianca are so fucking cute aarrggghhhh.