crybaby- Lil Peep fanfiction

chapter 8

idk how i feel about the last chapter. it wasnt written as well as it couldve been and idk if i like it. it seemed like it was all over the place to me when i just reread it so there we go. update on the snow: we got 4.5 inches WOWZA. no school tm either!!!1!!1! also, i cannot seem to write properly in brooke's pov?? idk why but it feels like something shifts when i write as her. maybe bc she isnt depressed or anxious or anything. idky i think its waaaay easier to write from the perspective of someone with problems. anyways i should probably write my story now, right? also there is a lot of texting in this chapter so yeah.

bianca pov

gus: im here. i'll always be right here.

i feel sick to my stomach and my head is spinning. i see the glimmer from the razor i threw on the ground. go pick it up. no. yes. go pick the goddamn razor up and slice your skin open. you deserve it. if gus was really here for me, now was the time to prove it. i dont know what to text him. i want him to hold me and tell me it'll be alright, or to sit with me and watch scooby doo, or to save me from myself. i cannot ask any of that from him, though. brooke wouldnt get it. we have gotten in arguments over things like this before. 

flashback to 8th grade

"what the hell, bianca?!" brooke yells. i flinch. "why are you yelling at me?" i ask, my voice small. "did you seriously think i wasnt going to notice that?" she asks, gesturing to my wrists. "oh," is all i can say. "you dont understand how good your life is, do you? you have a mother, a father, your first real boyfriend, and plenty of friends but you want to throw all of that away?" i feel my eyes gloss over with tears. "because you're SAD?  thats it? so you are suicidal for essentially no reason at all?" she screams. she doesnt understand that sadness and crippling depression are two very different things. "boo-hoo, bianca. we all get sad sometimes," she starts. "NO! you do NOT get to pull that on me! you don't ever get sad, not the way i do!" i exclaim. "or maybe i just know how to deal with it!" she yells back. "the reason you get sad is because your beauty blender rips!" i scream at her, willing her to understand. "at least i have a reason! you are sad for no reason at all!" "you dont get it, brooke!" "you're right, i dont get it. i dont understand why someone with such a good life chops up their skin like a PSYCHOPATH!" she shrieks. i fall silent. i am taken aback and my breathing speeds up. everything gets blurry for a split second. i can feel my adrenaline spike. "you BITCH! you dont understand at all! i dont want to cut myself! you actually think i want to inflict ACTUAL PAIN on myself?" i yell as loud as i can. "well the knife didnt magically float to your wrists and slit them open by itself, now did it?" she smirks. my hands start to shake. before i know it, i feel my hand connect to her face. "now get. the. hell. OUT!" i yell. she looks shocked. we had had a few arguments, but it never got physical. i automatically felt bad for hitting, but its too late at this point. she picks up her stuff. "you are INSANE," she yells and walks over to the front door. as she's walking out,  i yell "and by the way, i didnt USE a KNIFE!" and slam the door. 

flashback over (that was more intense than i imagined lmao woah)

we didnt talk at all fo about two weeks after that. i still think about that argument a lot. the points she brought up were sort of accurate. she still doesnt understand what it's like, but since my dad died, it's like i was given a free depression pass. i know peep understands, but i have no idea what to say.

gus: are you alright?

bianca: physically? sorta

gus: emotionally? mentally?