crybaby- Lil Peep fanfiction

chapter 7

gus pov

after brooke i cant stop replaying what happened on friday. tracy was telling me that she walked straight out of the school. he seemed really worried about what pain i would inflict on myself. what does it matter? i obviously deserve all the pain i can possibly get. i brought this on myself, didnt i? it was super weird, going from being with a girl i am in love with to being alone. but i still do love her. she doesnt love me back. obviously. brooke asked me  what happened, why she left school, if she was okay, i'd i called her yet, and 100 other questions. i had no idea how to answer. i became extremely worried about her. what if she was hurting herself? what if she was hurting someone else? what if she was doing irresponsible things? what if she was gone forever? my heart is racing at the same speed as my mind. maybe i should call her. i need her to know that i am still here. she still has me, and she can (and should) call me if she feels trapped in her thoughts. you hurt her. you potentially broke her. you really think she's gonna call YOU? of all people? oof. i get a text from brooke.

brooke: what did you say to her?

gus: i want you to think about how i must've felt in that situation

gus: like, she was kissing another guy

brooke: ok?

brooke: yeah that sucks i have that in mind

gus: i told her that she was the same as everyone else 

brooke: :/ what else

gus: i think she was trying to explain it? but i cut her off

gus: with a 'fuck you'

brooke: omg

gus: i wasnt thinking

brooke: you need to call her

gus: i'm the last person she wants to talk to right now and i dont want to ruin another day for her

brooke: shitshitshitshitshitshit 

brooke: gus, i'm telling you 

brooke: you want to call her

gus: i know but im really more concerned about what she wants

brooke: thats honestly super sweet but im ignoring it you HAVE to call her

brooke: trust me

why did she seem so serious? she wouldnt cut herself over me. would she? my palms begin to sweat and my hands are trembling. i pick up my cell phone and dial her very familiar number. please pick up. god, please pick up. one ring. two rings. three rings. "what?" a bitter, but familiar, voice sounds. yikes. "oh my god, you answered," i say breathlessly. i can almost feel her roll her eyes. "are you-" "no, gus, i am NOT okay. how could i be okay?" ouch. "okay, dumb question," "no shit," "you chose him. and that's alright. but i want...no, i NEED you to know that if you need me, i am here," i shove out. "i didnt- you know what? fine," she says. we sit in silence for a minute. i hear a faint whisper. "i'm so, so sorry." the call drops. im hurt and confused. she went from totally pissed off to silent to sorry? she really sounded like she meant it, but im not sure. i also thought she meant it when she told me that she loved me, but here we are. i think back to when she kissed that other guy. he was tall, muscular, and tan. the opposite of me. maybe kissing him was a way to break things off with me? you know what, gus? not everything is about you. her world doesnt revolve around you. she has a life.  i need to accept it. she's his bitch, even though i hate calling her things like that. she deserves more respect, or at least i thought she did. 

brooke pov

i am beyond worried about bianca. i know gus called her, but what if it was too late? what if she relapsed? i know i cannot control her life, but i know that lucas isnt good for her. he could break her so easily. i called her right after i heard that she walked out. of course, as a supportive best friend, i ALSO had to walk out. i called her in the car. she sounded sluggish. "hello?" "what happened today?" she groaned. "lucas wouldnt leave me alone for about a week or two and today he kissed me. i didnt know what to do or how to react, but i did know that it was nowhere near as good as gus's. i shoved him off me and lucas told gus some bullshit story," she explains, voice wavering. i wonder if she has been crying. "and gus believed lucas?" "mhm," "aww, im so sorry," "it isnt your fault." i hear three beeps, indicating the call has ended. i think about that call for a little while and decide to tell gus the whole story. i text bianca. 

brooke: dont be pissed, but i told him

bianca: ???

brooke: i told him the whole story of what happened

bianca: oh ok

gus pov

"...and i thought you would want to know the whole story," brooke finishes. oh my god. i think about all the things i said, flinching. "you're the same as my ex," .... "fuck you."  how could i say something like that to her? i think about it for a moment. you wanted to hurt her back. the sudden realization makes me feel sick to my stomach. my chest tightens slightly. why would i ever want to hurt someone like her? i know i was stunned, but why didnt i let her explain? why was my first instinct to hurt her? my heart wrenches as i wish i never said any of those things to her. i feel awful. i down 4 xans to help ease the pain and i go back to sleep. 

next morning bc i dont feel like writing the rest of the day lmaoo

bianca pov

i woke up a lot easier than i did yesterday because the xanax has worn off. i wish my eyes never opened. i get up to examine the scars i created that day. i feel the sudden urge to create more. tears fill my eyes. why not just skip your thighs and go straight for your throat?better yet, go get you rope out of the closet. its already tied and everything. at this point, my hands were shaking uncontrollably and my breathing was all out of whack. my head is pounding and my heart is racing. i pick up the blade and switch it between my fingers. to cut or not to cut. finally, i decide not to give in and let the small piece of metal determine what i do. i throw it down before i can second guess myself. "i NEED you to know that if you need me, i am here."  maybe he was telling the truth. god, i hope he was, because i am trapped in my head and he is the only one who understands. i know we're on bad terms, but i want to give him the chance to save me before i hang the rope and tighten the noose. 

bianca: gus?

gus: yes?

bianca: i need you.

gus pov

i am groggy as hell, but a text from her woke me right up. 

bianca: gus?

gus: yes?

suddenly, everything that is happening goes away. it doesnt matter that she cheated, or that it wasnt actually cheating because she threw him off. it doesnt matter that she is pissed at me. it doesnt matter that the high from my xans is still wearing off. it doesnt matter that im hurt. what matters is that she texted me because she needed help. instead of hurting herself, she texted me. she didnt make slits in her skin because of what happened next.

bianca: i need you. 

gus: i'm here. i'll always be here. 

aw i love that hahaha. how did yall like it?? i was gonna update at like 10:30-11 ish but i took a nap and didnt get up till 11:30 so it's late LMAOOO. also im not an irresponsible person, school is canceled tm bc we are getting snowwwwww!!!11!1!!! maybe you'll get an update tomorrow if i can figure out what i wanna write. ok peace out