For the Love (a Tom Hiddleston fanfic)

Chapter 38

       Emie sat up, pressing her back against the cool, hard wood of the vanity behind her.  The bathroom floor was cold, and felt good against her trembling legs.  She closed her eyes, shutting out the view in front of her. The turquoise blue lagoon, the equally blue sky.  She could hear Tom in the bedroom, talking quietly, his voice just a murmur.
       Her entire world was spinning before her eyes.  She wasn’t sure how, in just a few quick moments, everything seemed to have been flung into the air and come raining back down on her.  Everything she had been building, and working for, was laying in tiny, unrecognizable pieces around her.  She wasn’t sure how this could be fixed. 
       Eme Leo was gone.  Her outlet.  Her life.  She had created that person as a link to her father, whom had always encouraged her to write.  She had created Eme Leo as a way to have her voice heard, without having to stand in the spotlight.  She didn’t want to be associated with her famous sister or her tragic parent’s story.  It wasn’t that she wasn’t proud of her family, but she wanted to be known on her own merits.  Not by association.  And now…it was gone.  All because of some damn Twitter account, and a few nosy people.  She had no idea how to mourn that loss.
       And then there were the pictures.  She remembered very clearly the afternoon that she had been with Kevin, and he had talked her into taking them with him.  Her parents had been dead for only a week.  She was still living in a nightmare, everything hazy and numb.  She’d been living with her Aunt at the time, but had spent almost all her time with Kevin, at his shitty, studio apartment.  In her 16 year old mind, it had been a palace.  He was only a few years older, but he was infinitely wiser, and understood.  He wasn’t part of her sad, disintegrating family. 
       They’d only been dating for a few months, but he had stood by her through the news about her parents, the viewings, the funerals, the terrible, mind numbing receptions after.  She’d been so grateful.  And so, a week later, she’d slept with him.  She hadn’t been totally ready, but she didn’t quite care.  She had just wanted to feel something.  She had wanted to think about something other than her parents.  She wanted someone to look at her with something other than pity and sadness in their eyes. 
       Kevin had pulled out his camera, and they had joked around with it a bit.  Most of the pictures were just them in bed, making goofy faces and kissing.  Nothing scandalous.  But then, things had started to heat up, and against her better judgment, the camera had stayed out.  She’d barely thought about it since then.   Even after they had gotten back together for a short time two years ago.  The pictures had never been mentioned, or thought about.  They were just some silly, thoughtless byproduct of young, reckless teenage love.  Emie figured they’d been lost, long ago, just like her ancient feelings for Kevin.
       Apparently Kevin hadn’t forgotten about them.
       Emie folded forward, pulling her knees into her chest, trying hard to find something to focus on.  Some good thing in this whole mess.  Nothing was coming to mind.  She dreaded the thought of people seeing those photos.  Her sister and Chris.  Her Aunt.  And especially Tom.  What would he think of her?
       She heard a soft tap at the door, though she hadn’t shut it completely behind her when she’d run into the bathroom.  A second later, the door opened and she heard and felt Tom walk softly into the room.  She didn’t look up, keeping her face pressed into her legs.
       Tom.  What would she tell him? She was mortified.  She felt beyond terrible.  And didn’t even want to begin to wonder he’d think of her.  He was one of the sweetest, most patient and understanding men she’d ever met. But he wasn’t a saint. Would he be mad? Disgusted? Disappointed? 
       She felt him move.  She could always feel his presence before she saw him. A moment later, he sunk down next to her, his knees bumping hers as he moved to sit in front of her.  She could see him through the slight space between her legs and arms, though he couldn’t see her.  He reached forward as if to touch her, but then hesitated and pulled back. She immediately noticed his hand was shaking, ever so slightly.  She bit her lip, to keep the rising sob in her throat from coming out.  Emie couldn’t see his face, but she didn’t want to.  His shaking hand was all she needed to see.
       “Em.” His voice was soft, and in that single syllable, she felt her heart break.  ‘Please Tom, just rip the bandaid off.’ She thought silently.
       “I’m so sorry.” She murmured, her words obstructed by her legs and arms.  A second later, she felt engulfed by him.  He leaned forward, gathering her in his arms and pulling her into his chest. He wrapped his arms around her head and shoulders, holding her to his chest.  Emie wept, clutching the front of Tom’s shirt, shaking as she felt all the hurt in her heart disperse through her body.  She was angry, she was wounded, and betrayed.  She was confused. 
       “Emeline, love. Don’t.” He hushed her softly, rocking them both gently.  She cried, her body tense and curled into a tight ball.   “Talk to me, love.  Tell me what you’re thinking.” He pressed his lips to the top of her head.  Emie took a deep, ragged breath.  She pulled some toilet paper from the roll, wiping her nose.  She couldn’t even look at him.
       “I’m…” She started, but her voice broke.  Tom put his hands, those big, capable hands, on her knees and Emie started crying again.
       “I talked to Lucia, Emie.” He said gently. He paused for a moment, as if having to really consider what he was saying.  “She told me about Kevin.  And about Eme Leo.” His voice was stilted, raw.  So, he already knew.  Emie looked up at him, and was floored by what she saw.  His hair was messy from sleep, flattened in some places and standing straight up in others, with that constant slight curl and wave running through.  His face was drawn, and he looked tired.  It was his eyes that struck her.  They were red, as if he’d been crying.  They were a cool, almost icy blue as opposed to the normal deep, gray green blue.  She held her breath, not sure what was coming next.
       “Tom…” She started.  He looked at her, with those beautiful eyes and she suddenly was struck with fear.  Fear about them.  Fear about who they were.  Fear about how this would affect them.  How this would affect him. 
       “We’re going to take care of this, Em.  I promise you.” He said softly.
       “I need to see the picture.  I need to know what they’re saying.” She said suddenly, feeling hell bent on knowing what was going on.  Tom looked surprised, and then wary.
       “Maybe that’s not the best idea right now—“
       “No, I need to.  Can I use your laptop?” She asked, slowly standing, and moving frantically toward the bedroom.  Tom followed close behind her.  His laptop was sitting on the small table, untouched in the past week.
       “Emie, maybe you should wait to do that.” He warned, putting his hand over his laptop.  Emie looked at him, feeling her anger and sadness bubbling up inside her. 
       “Tom, I need to.  I have to see.” She said, her voice steady and flat.  She reached for the computer, and Tom took a half step in front of it.  “Let me see it.” She ground out.  Tom wavered, watching her.
       “What is it going to help? I don’t think you should—“
       “That’s the thing though! Nothing is going to help, Tom.  Nothing.  So I need to see what he’s done.  I need to see.  I need to see.  Please, move.  Please.  I need…” She felt the tears running down her face, she knew she was a mess.  She didn’t care.  She felt desperate.  She felt alone.  She felt like all the control she’d been desperately clinging to was running fast and far away.
       Tom stepped forward, taking her into his arms.  She let him, but she stood there, rigid and unyielding.  He whispered into her ear, some things mumbled, some things perfectly clear.  And she wanted to listen, and she wanted to believe, but her mind wouldn’t let her.
       “I just need to see.  Please, let me look.” She cried, clinging to his sides.  Tom blinked, and put his hands on hers. 
       “Emie, if you really think it will help you—“ He licked his lips, nervously.  She nodded and took a step around him, grabbing his computer.  She took it over to the bed, and opened it up.  Tom followed her and sat down next to her.  Emie went to google, and typed in her name, her hands shaking.  She flinched when the search engine came up with about 700,000 search results. 
       The first headlines that she saw made her stop breathing. 
       “Emeline Harris—All her sordid lies!”
       “Lucia Harris’ little sis isn’t so little anymore. See the scandalous pictures of the famous Eme Leo!”
       “Tom Hiddleston’s new love interest-the lies, the sex, who is this girl?!”
       “Emie Harris…the author EME LEO. Her sexy affair with Tom Hiddleston, and the steamy pics from her past.”
       Emie sat still, her hand hovering over the links.  She was afraid to click on any of them.  Tom sat silently next to her, his eyes moving quickly as he read each search result.  She waited a second more before clicking on a link for the Hot Shotz website- the same website that had published the photos of her and Tom at the airport. 
       The article started with the picture from the airport, and the picture from Lucia and Chris’ wedding that Vicky had posted.  They had circled Emie and Tom in red, highlighting their close figures, locked in a kiss.  Emie winced.  She hadn’t seen this photo yet, only heard about it from Tom.
       “Emeline Harris has shocked the world lately, with two stunning revelations.  The sister of IT girl Lucia Harris has just firmly pushed her famous sister out of the spotlight!  Emie has been keeping secrets from all of us.  Apparently, she is the best selling author behind the Marvelous Things series.  She has been masquerading as Eme Leo, and we are only now finding out that she is the real woman behind the romantic, mysterious books. 
       Even more scandalous, Emie, 28, has recently also been linked with actor, Tom Hiddleston.  They are currently vacationing together in Bora Bora and Tahiti. A recent tip from a close friends has informed us that Emie has declared that they are “very much in love and committed”.  Seems a bit fast, but what can one expect from someone who is obviously searching hard for that spotlight?  And we have to wonder what the notoriously private Mr. Hiddleston thinks about all of these new revelations about his lady love.  We find it interesting that Emie has suddenly decided to come clean, just as her relationship with Tom has heated up.
       And speaking of heating up!! The scandal continues.  Emie’s ex boyfriend and up-and-coming actor, Kevin Mening, has recently released some rather steamy photos of Emie from a few years ago. The young writer and aspiring model looks remarkably like her older sister in some of the pics.  We only have one to share with you for now, but Kevin has said he will be releasing more in the coming weeks, along with a video! That will be for sale on his website. 
       What do you think?  Is Emeline an innocent victim of wrong place at the wrong time, or has this scheming starlet been just waiting for the best time to steal the spotlight?”
       Emie felt nausea wash over her.  It shouldn’t have surprised her—the spin they were placing on all of this.  When put together, it didn’t sound good.  It did sound like she was searching for fame and celebrity.  It didn’t matter to them that it wasn’t the truth.  They wanted whatever would make people talk.  And people were definitely talking.
       The picture following the article made Emie nearly fall backward.  In all honesty, it wasn’t that bad.  Her blond hair was messy, and pulled back.  Her face was makeup free, and she was smiling though it didn’t quite reach her eyes.  She wasn’t wearing a shirt, but she had a blanket pulled up to cover her chest.  Emie just couldn’t believe how young she looked.  How young, and lost.  In the background she could see parts of Kevin’s old apartment.  It took her back, over ten years ago, making her remember that sad, empty feeling she’d felt at the time.  Like she was running and running, and still not sure what she was even searching for.
      
      
***      
       Emie spent the rest of the afternoon, trying hard not to look on the internet but failing miserably. She barely spoke a word.  At some point, Tom had food delivered and had tried to get her to eat.  That was impossible.  Her stomach was so unsettled, and her whole body felt like one big knot.  Her cell phone rang continuously, mostly from unknown or blocked numbers.  She didn’t know how they had gotten her number, but she supposed she’d never really had to try and hide it before.  It was probably listed somewhere.  The phone calls got so bad, she eventually turned her phone off completely.  The people that she needed to talk to or wanted to talk to all knew how find her.
        There was article after article about her.  The more tasteful article focused mostly on her pseudonym, and how amazing it was that she was the writer behind her successful novels.  The majority of the articles breezed over her books, and went straight for the kill.  They analyzed her relationships with Tom and Kevin.  They obsessed over what her motivation was.  They picked apart every little thing that could possibly have to do with her personal life.  They spoke gleefully about the stolen photographs, and mused over when they’d get to see Emie Harris nude.  It made her feel terrible.  Beyond terrible.  It made her feel dirty, and like she had done something wrong. 
         She didn’t get out of bed until early evening, when she had forced herself to shower.  Tom had stayed with her the whole afternoon, but they had barely talked.  Mostly because he’d been on the phone.  She wasn’t even sure who he was talking to, but he seemed to be on it all the time.  At one point, she knew he talked to her Aunt, and to Lucia several times.  She thought she heard mention of Scotty, and also of Luke, his publicist.  She knew Scotty must be losing her mind at the moment.  Scotty knew how important her privacy was to her.  And this was something beyond public.  This was like ripping open her insides and putting them under a microscope for the world to see.
       Emie got dressed, but only in a tshirt and comfortable shorts.  She brushed her damp hair, staring at her face in the mirror as she did.  She felt numb, as if all her emotions and feelings had deserted her.  She had no idea what she was going to do.  They left in the morning for LA, and the thought terrified her. 
       She heard a light tap on the door, and a moment later, Tom poked his head into the bathroom.  She looked at him, not saying a word.
       “Can we talk?” He asked softly.  She nodded, and then turned and padded softly out of the bathroom on bare feet.
       It had been a somewhat overcast day, and now the sky seemed to threaten rain again.  Emie remembered the last time it had been raining, just a few days earlier.  She had welcomed it then.  It had given her more reason to stay tucked in bed with Tom, enjoying each other as the rain pattered around them.  Now, it felt like a warning.  Ominous, suffocating, threatening. 
       Tom led her to the small couch near the French doors, and she sat down next to him.  She noticed he had changed into shorts and a tshirt.  He still had the same tired, wary look on his face.  His eyes were still almost icy blue, and his normal smile lines by his eyes seemed muted. 
       “I’ve talked to my lawyer.  He’s going to be in touch with you as soon as we get back to Los Angeles.” Tom started, suddenly rather business like.  Emie sat back, listening.  “He’s really good, Em.  He’ll help you fight Kevin, and make sure the other photos don’t see the light of day.” 
       “Thank you.” She said, her voice rough from not using it all day.  She was so grateful that he had taken charge like that.  She hadn’t even thought about a lawyer.
       “I’m not wasting any time, Em. Kevin isn’t going to do this to you.”
       “I…” She paused, gathering her thoughts.  “Thank you for calling everyone.  I just…I can’t speak to anyone right now.” She whispered.  He nodded, reaching forward and taking her hand.  Emie felt her heart skip a beat, and she held in a sob. 
       “Scotty is a mess.  She said she tried to go to your apartment to feed Marius and she said she could barely get through because of paparazzi.” Tom sighed.  Emie bit her lip, feeling a fat tear roll down her face.  She suddenly longed for her tiny apartment, and her fat cat to cuddle with.  Did she even have that anymore? Would she have to move? She felt it was inevitable if people were staking out her apartment.
       “How do they know where I live?” She whispered.  Tom shook his head, dismayed.
       “It’s ridiculous, I know.” He said softly.  “She’ll have a car ready for you at the airport tomorrow so you don’t have to wait for a cab.  It’ll be okay.” He spoke, trying to sound certain, but Emie could hear the worry in his voice.  This was beyond what either of them had ever experienced.   This wasn’t mere fan curiosity and excitement, this was rabid, frantic blood and money thirsty paparazzi looking for their ticket.
       “I can’t believe this is happening.  I’m at a loss for what to say.” Emie sank against the sofa.  Tom squeezed her hand.  He had been offering comfort all day, but she had been staying at arm’s length.  She wasn’t quite sure how to handle Tom. 
       “I’m sorry, love.  It’s not fair.  It’s not right.” He shook his head.  Emie looked at him, feeling a great need to explain herself.  She hoped he didn’t think badly of her.  She hoped he truly understood.  But a small, nagging voice in the back of her head made her doubt.  Made her worry.
       “This is a nightmare. And you’re being pulled into it.” She breathed softly.  Tom looked up at her, his eyes surprised.
       “Don’t worry about me.  I can handle it.” He said easily.  She shook her head slowly. 
       “This has been a disaster from the start.” Her voice was barely over a whisper.  Tom leaned forward, taking both her hands in his.
       “Don’t talk like that.  The last week has been heaven on earth, Em.  I wouldn’t give that up for anything.”  He spoke carefully, succinctly, as if he had been partially expecting this.  She looked away, her chin quivering. 
       “How could he do this to me?” She asked.  “We were only together a few months before my parents died.” She looked at Tom, who had sat back, listening.  “He was there for me when I needed someone the most. Someone who wasn’t in my family.  Who could step back and be there for me without being completely consumed by the grief of it.  We started sleeping together shortly after my parents died.  I don’t know if I was totally ready for it but… I wanted to feel something again.  I felt alone…desperately alone, and it was the only thing that made sense in my head.  I was a stupid girl.  A stupid teenage girl who trusted her boyfriend.  So, there was one night we were goofing around and I let him take pictures.  I never…” Emie stopped, her voice cracking. “Never in a thousand years did I think he’d do that.  Never.  I’m mortified and so embarassed.”  The words spilled from her mouth.  Tom rubbed her arm and shoulder, but Emie pulled back.
       “Emie, no one is judging you.  You don’t need to justify—“
       “But they are! Everyone is judging me! Don’t you see? Didn’t you see all the horrible things people are saying?” She exploded, her voice growing louder and louder.  Tom’s mouth straightened, and he went quiet.  “They’re saying I am just looking for fame.  They’re saying that I wanted this! They’re saying…they’re saying I’m using you to help myself. That I’m just…a celebrity fucker.” She spat out, her anger rushing from her.  She saw Tom’s jaw clench.
       “But I don’t think that, Em.  The people who matter don’t think that.”
       “But what will they say about you, Tom?!” She asked angrily.  “Eme Leo is gone.  Eme Leo is dead.  I don’t have her anymore.  I have nothing.” She ground out.  Tom frowned, a hand going to his jaw as he rubbed his face.
       “Emie, you have me, love.  I’m still here.” He said softly.
       “Don’t you get it? Don’t you see, Tom? I don’t have you anymore, either.  They’ve taken that too.  They’ve taken you from me.  It’s not you and me anymore.  It’s you, me, and EVERYONE ELSE.  We will never go anywhere without a camera in our faces.  We will never be alone.  We won’t be able to walk down the street, holding hands, without someone thinking that it’s because I want to be SEEN WITH YOU.  And all of it… All of it is…my fault.  It’s my fault.  I did this.  And now, it’s all gone.”
       “Emie, this isn’t your fault.  Those pictures were private.  I know you are devastated over Eme Leo, but, I know you.  I don’t believe for a second what some wankers on the internet think.  You are the last person in the world looking for celebrity or fame.  Eme Leo can still exist.  You’ve just got to start thinking about your writing in a new way.”  He pressed his lips together, and Emie could practically see him thinking. 
       “I’m not going anywhere, Em.  I’m not scared off quite so easily.” He said finally.  Emie blinked.  She felt blank, and then a thousand feelings were rushing at her. 
       “What if I am?” She whispered.  “What if I’m terrified? And I just want to run?” She asked.  Tom looked at her, stunned.  His eyes were glassy, and disbelieving.
       “You don’t mean that.” He managed, though his voice cracked at the last word.
       “What do you want from me, Tom? What can I possibly say to you?” She cried.  She felt her already shattered heart break even more, though she had thought it wasn’t possible.  She couldn’t do this to him.  She couldn’t drag him through this. 
       “I am devastated.  Devastated that…those pictures exist.  And the video, whatever it is.  I’m…I’m so scared of what my life has become.  Everything that I’ve worked so hard for, that I’ve been building for myself is gone.  Destroyed. Because of…some terrible decisions I’ve made.  And you’re going to be dragged into that.  I’m nothing but a joke to these people.  Someone who has no class, or worth, and now you’re involved.  And it’s going to turn you into a joke too.  My whole life is an open fucking book, even though I’ve been trying for the last 28 years to keep it closed, and under lock and key.  It’s all gone.  And I just can’t…I can’t ask you to do this. I don’t want you to do this.” She sobbed, her whole body shaking.
       “I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do, Emie.  I want to be with you through this. If you think that—“
       “I can’t let you do that, Tom.  Our lives will become like zoo exhibits.  They’ll never leave us alone. I can’t live like that.”
       “That’s not enough to make me want to give you up, Emie.”
       “I’m not asking you to give me up.  I’m telling you…I’m telling you that I need some space.  I need some time.”
       “You can’t mean that.”  His voice was hard.  “Don’t say that, Emeline.”
       “I don’t know what anything means right now.  I can’t handle all of this—“
       “So you’re just going to push me away then? We’re back to that? The past week has meant nothing to you and you’re back to keeping me at arm’s length?  I apologize, unreservedly, Emeline.  I was completely unaware of what the last few days meant.  I was under the impression that we were two people who cared about each other.  I didn’t know this was a throw away—“
       “No! It’s not a throw away thing, Tom.  I swear…I just…”  She cried.
       “You just what? You just don’t want me anymore.  You’ve had enough.”
       “Don’t be mad, please. Don’t be mean.”
       “I’m not the one being mean.  I’ve never been mean to you, Emeline. I would never be mean to you.  But I will be honest.”  He said through a clenched jaw.  “When I said I loved you, I wasn’t just spouting poetry.  I meant it.”
       “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She got up from the couch, not able to stay there a moment later.  She barely made it to the bathroom, when she heard a loud crashing noise from the other room.  She heard Tom curse, and then she heard the door slam.