Evie's Job

102: Evie

Evie was a little surprised that Meredith had smiled. But she had, which must mean their conversation wasn’t going too badly. They were almost getting on, Evie thought. They were almost speaking nicely to one another. Evie wasn’t quite sure what to do. She was still a little nervous, but she was willing to stand there and talk to Meredith. For the time being, at least.

If she was staying, though, she needed a cigarette. She usually had one when she came out of a lecture. She hunted in her bag, and found the packet, and took one out. She was about to light it when she suddenly thought to be polite. “Do you care?” she said, and held the cigarette up.

Meredith made a face, then said, almost reluctantly, “No.”

“You can say if you don’t want me to,” Evie said. She never quite knew what to do with that reaction, whether she was supposed to believe someone’s words or their expression when they said they didn’t mind her smoking but their face disagreed.

“Go on,” Meredith said.

Evie hesitated, but since it was Meredith and not someone else, she lit the cigarette.

“I’m surprised Natalie’s fine with you smoking,” Meredith said.

“What?” Evie said. “Why? It’s not like I hold her down and make her join in.”

Meredith seemed to consider saying something clever. Oh really, Evie supposed, or something like that. In the end she must have decided not to. “Of course not,” she said. “It’s just she had a terrible time stopping, and I thought she still didn’t like being around the smell of smoke. She always used to avoid it, anyway.”

Evie shrugged, and waved her hand between them. She was trying to keep the smoke away from Meredith. She wasn’t going to be thoughtless, even now.

“She never liked kissing me when I still did, that’s all,” Meredith said.

“Um, what?” Evie said.

“She never used to like kissing after I’d had one. At the point when she’d quit and I hadn’t.”

Evie still couldn’t quite believe Meredith was saying that. “So we’re talking about kissing Natalie now?” Evie said. “You and me are?”

“We don’t have to if you’d rather not.”

“I’d have thought we probably shouldn’t.”

Meredith shrugged.

“Shit,” Evie said. “Why not, I suppose.”

Evie wasn’t quite sure what to make of what Meredith had just said. It had actually sounded innocent enough, as if she’d merely been thinking out loud, but even so, Evie wasn’t sure why she’d say it. She might not have meant anything by it, Evie supposed, but that didn’t seem much like Meredith, and so Evie suspected it had been meant to be upsetting, a reminder of Meredith’s past with Natalie. Either that, or she meant to imply Evie was inconsiderate for smoking around Natalie, which was actually true enough to be a little annoying. Evie already felt guilty for kissing Natalie when she was smoky. She always did a little, and now she suddenly did a lot more.

She stood there for a moment, smoking and thinking. Part of her wanted to assume Meredith had been rude on purpose, so she could let herself get angry, end this silly conversation, and just say something awful and storm away. She wanted to do that, to end this stupid game, but she wasn’t completely certain that Meredith’s comment had been meant rudely, and she didn’t actually want to prove something about herself to Meredith by overreacting and leaving, and she also wasn’t sure she wanted to let Meredith upset her that much. It was irritating, Evie thought, once she started questioning her own reactions. It was admitting Meredith had some power to upset her, which she didn’t especially like.

It was irritating, but in a way it was useful too. It reminded her that Meredith wasn’t some friend to stand there chatting with. It made her want to stop this, to just get home and back to studying. It made her want to get this over with as quickly as she could.

She was going to say something awful, she decided. She just wasn’t going to storm away afterwards, once she had.

“Maybe she likes kissing me more,” Evie said. “I really couldn’t tell you. Maybe she was just sick of you and everything about you.”

“I thought we were being civil,” Meredith said.

“We were. Now maybe we’re not. What do you actually want to talk to me about?”

Meredith didn’t answer. She seemed to be thinking.

“You said you had something to ask me,” Evie said.

“Yes,” Meredith said. “I do.”

“So what is it?”

Meredith thought, then said, “How serious are you about Natalie? I mean, if you are at all?”

Evie had no idea what to say to that. It seemed completely inappropriate of Meredith to even ask. Evie had no idea why she would, and what it meant. Whether this and talking about kissing were somehow connected, and part of some complicated game too intricate for Evie to ever understand, or whether Meredith was actually concerned, or quite what.

Evie didn’t know if she wanted to answer, but the way Meredith had asked was quite rude. The part she had added on the end, about whether Evie was even serious. Evie wasn’t sure if she was being too sensitive, but that part annoyed her, and it just didn’t seem necessary if they were both actually trying to talk civilly.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business,” Evie said, after a moment.

“Humour me. Please.”

“Why should I?”

“Out of politeness? Or because we have to live with each other, so why not?”

“I don’t have to live with you,” Evie said. “I can just tell you to fuck off.”

“You could,” Meredith said, and smiled at Evie, and there was some kind of threat there which Evie suddenly didn’t like.

“You’re serious?” Evie said, still not quite sure. “You want me to tell you how I feel about Natalie?”

“I am, yes.”

“Isn’t that going to just… I don’t know. Upset you?”

Meredith shrugged. “That isn’t your problem.”

“You really want to know?”

“I do.”

Evie nodded. “Well, you didn’t need to ask me like that.”

Meredith just looked at her. Evie wasn’t sure she understood.

“Ask me again,” Evie said. “Just ask if I’m serious. Don’t imply that I’m not at the same time as you do.”

It mattered to her that Meredith took this seriously. If they were going to talk about this at all, that was. Evie wanted to be asked properly, to be asked again, but Meredith was just looking at Evie as if she didn’t understand. Perhaps she didn’t, Evie thought. Perhaps Evie was making too much of it. Perhaps she was making too much of everything, Evie thought, but fuck it. This was probably going to end badly, anyway, so she might as well just keep being rude.

“I’m serious about her,” Evie said. “More serious than you were, as it turns out.”

And Meredith just looked at her for a while, thinking.