Evie's Job

11: Evie

Natalie had switched on some lights, but the apartment was still dim. A good kind of dim, Evie thought. A comforting darkness, and so the lights inside were part of the lights out the window, part of the view, not drowning it out.

Evie lit her cigarette, and Natalie took a saucer out a cupboard, and put it on the bench next to Evie, and then just stood there watching her. It felt terribly serious. Neither of them was smiling, both of them grave, and Natalie watching Evie smoke.

Evie was a little nervous, suddenly less sure of herself than she thought she ought to be. Something had changed, Evie decided. Natalie seemed more confident now. All of a sudden it wasn’t just Evie watching Natalie be drunk and a bit silly, now it was Natalie watching Evie, and in a completely different way.

“So why am I here?” Evie said, wanting to feel the flirty smugness she had a moment before.

Natalie shook her head.

“You’re not going to answer?” Evie said.

“No.”

“Oh,” Evie said, a little taken aback.

Natalie was looking at her quite intensely, Evie realized. Natalie was more than looking, she was drifting closer, had taken a step or two towards Evie. Suddenly she was right there. Suddenly her hand was reaching up towards Evie’s face.

She touched Evie, a soft caress, briefly. For just a second.

Evie closed her eyes, and opened her mouth. Opened it, expecting to be kissed.

“Wait,” Natalie said, softly.

Evie didn’t understand. She opened her eyes.

“Just wait,” Natalie said. “Feel that.”

“Feel what?”

“That,” Natalie said, and took her hand away. “The not knowing.”

“Oh,” Evie said, and everything went still. Now she understood what Natalie had meant. That moment before a kiss, the moment of anticipation and stillness and uncertainty when both people were wondering what was about to happen, but as yet nothing had. Evie liked that moment. Sometimes she liked it more than she did the kiss that came after it, and sometimes more than the person she had the moment with.

Evie looked at Natalie, and waited, and Natalie waited too. Both were still, and Evie was lost, wondering if she should. Wondering if Natalie wanted to as well, and feeling the not knowing quite intensely. Neither of them had moved, but somehow both were starting to lean towards each other. There was tension and uncertainty and hope so strong that for a moment Evie couldn’t breathe. Then, instead of kissing her, Natalie spoke, and Evie was so surprised she almost didn’t hear what Natalie had said.

“Would you like a drink?” Natalie said.

“What?”

“I thought you might like something to drink?”

Evie looked at her, surprised. “Not right now,” she said. “Aren’t we…?”

Natalie grinned some more. “See?” she said.

“See what?”

“The waiting.”

Evie looked at her, a little frustrated.

“Wait,” Natalie said. “Please?”

Evie gave up. She shrugged.

“Are you sure you don’t want a drink?” Natalie said.

Evie shook her head.

“Say if you do,” Natalie said, and went back to leaning on the bench, watching Evie smoke. Waiting again, but differently now. Letting Evie finish the cigarette before she made her move.

Something about Natalie had definitely changed, Evie thought. Now she was being all smooth, with her dim lights and offering drinks and telling Evie to wait. Or perhaps not smooth, Evie thought. Perhaps just doing what she usually did, which was just different to what Evie was used to.

That was an interesting idea, Evie thought. That what they both expected might be different, because they were very different in age, and so presumably this could be something new and interesting just because of that. New and interesting, but complicated too.

Natalie was standing where she’d been all along, standing a little to close, leaning a little forward, exactly as she’d be if she was about to try and kiss Evie. Except that she probably wasn’t, Evie thought, because she hadn’t just now. Evie had no idea. She couldn’t tell, because she had no experience to work from, because Natalie was different to everyone who’d ever tried to kiss her before. Natalie might just be standing where she always stood to talk, and mean nothing by it, and Evie wouldn’t know. And a lot of other things Evie assumed might not actually be right either.

Evie sat there for a moment, thinking. About who wanted what, and what they were doing, and how hard it was to be sure what Natalie wanted. It was as if they both had their roles, she thought, and had somehow got stuck in them without quite meaning too. Natalie was older, so she was taking the lead, and that seemed to mean Evie couldn’t start anything. Not that she necessarily wanted to. Evie thought instead. She thought about Natalie. About Natalie’s age, and how much she liked her, and whether it was bad to sleep with a partner in a firm where she might end up working. It seemed like that was probably more important than it seemed to be right now. She liked Natalie, though. She liked this little game of waiting Natalie was making them play. She liked the way Natalie had done that, and wanted to do more.

“I don’t know what to make of you,” Evie said. “I’m not sure how to be around you.”

Natalie nodded. “I don’t either.”

“Like right now,” Evie said. “I still don’t completely know that this is what I think it is.”

Natalie seemed puzzled.

“So go on,” Evie said.

“Go on what?”

“Do what you’re thinking about doing,” Evie said.

Natalie kept looking at her.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Evie said. “At least, I think I know.”

“You probably do.”

“So do it.”

Natalie shook her head.

“You aren’t thinking that?”

“I am. But no, not yet.”

Evie was surprised, and almost a little hurt. “Why not?”

“Don’t be impatient.”

“I’m not,” Evie said, impatiently.

Natalie smiled. She looked at Evie and didn’t move and just said, “Wait.”

After a moment, Evie sighed.