Evie's Job

67: Natalie

Natalie thought about Evie frequently, through the day. Every so often she was tempted to phone Evie and make sure everything was right between them. She was tempted, but made herself not give in. It would be a silly thing to do. They were both busy, and they hardly ever talked during the day, and Evie would probably find Natalie calling her both odd and a nuisance, an interruption, if she even picked up her phone at all.

Natalie made herself not, and quietly worried instead.

Usually, Natalie barely thought about Evie while she was at work. She had been the same with Meredith. Usually, she concentrated on the task in front of her, and was lost in that, and other concerns, the concerns of real life, tended to fade into the background. As far as she knew, Evie was the same. They just didn’t seem to be people who carelessly messaged each other when they were apart, and usually Natalie preferred it that way. But not today. Today, she seemed to want constant contact, because of what had been said over breakfast, and the more she got distracted, and tried to stop, the more she couldn’t manage to.

She needed to concentrate, to stop herself being distracted, but she couldn’t actually make herself do it. Instead, she spent the day wondering, and worrying, and in the end went home a little early, something she hardly ever did. She went home, and walked into the apartment, and was almost irrationally glad to see the lights were on and there was a smell of something cooking, and that Evie was still there.

She’d been more worried that she wanted to admit to herself.

She walked in, and put down her bag and phone and keys, and took off her jacket, and went over to the table where Evie was working and kissed quickly.

“Hey,” Evie said, in a way that sounded, to Natalie, ever so slightly tense.

“Hi,” Natalie said back, not completely sure how to act. It hadn’t exactly been a fight, but it was a something, and Natalie wasn’t sure how she ought to be. “That’s smells good.”

“Oh curry. It’s ready. It’s just keeping warm.”

“Do you want to eat now?”

Evie nodded. “I’ll just finish this.”

Natalie got out plates, and cutlery, and fluffed the rice in the rice cooker with a fork.

She thought, while she waited for Evie. She tried to work out what was making her feel unsettled. She sometimes didn’t entirely understand her feelings for Evie. Not that she had those feelings, that she understood, rather, what those feelings were, and how complicated they quickly became. She had never felt something this intense and complex before, and had nothing to compared the experience to. She didn’t know what it was reasonable to feel, and she didn’t know what Evie expected, either, and sometimes thinking about those things unsettled her.

Sometimes she wondered if she actually knew Evie properly, or if she was just imagining Evie as being the person she wanted Evie to be, some idealised Evie invented in her mind, a perfect Evie entirely separate from the dull reality and honest dreariness of an actual relationship. Sometimes she worried about Evie’s age, and that Evie was young, and might not yet know herself as well as she one day would. Evie might be entirely trustworthy, and might mean every last thing she said, but she might still end up hurting them both terribly, by mistake. It was silly, thinking things like that, but Natalie did all the same. She worried a lot, and worried more on days like today.

She worried about mid-life crises too. Early on, she’d wondered if that was what Evie was, some kind of a mid-life crisis which she ought to let happen, and get over, and then move on. To have fun with, of course, but to be careful as well, to neither hurt nor be hurt, while making sure she didn’t fall too badly when it ended. She had wondered about that, a few weeks ago, but had stopped wondering fairly quickly. It wasn’t a mid-life crisis, Natalie was almost sure. She wouldn’t worry about losing one quite as much as she did. Not as much as she’d been worrying all day.

Her worrying made her think. It made her realize, as she had sometimes before, that it was already too late for her to stop this. After a whole day of fretting because of one short conversation, she had to admit it, at least to herself. She had fallen badly. She probably shouldn’t be so completely open as she was, as trusting as she was, but it was too late to care. She was, and that was all there was to it. So there wasn’t much else she could do.

She stirred the curry, and breathed in the smell of cardamom and lemongrass and ginger. Evie seemed to make curry without coconut milk, because she said it was better for them not to, and that meant the fragrance of the spices were more noticeable.

“Okay,” Evie said, and put down her book. She stood up, and came over to the stove, and put her arm around Natalie while she stirred the pot.

“Do we need to talk more about this morning?” Natalie said.

Evie shook her head, without looking up.

“Are you sure?”

Evie nodded. She looked slightly guilty. “It’s fine,” she said. “Everything’s good. I’m sorry, I just got a bit…”

Natalie waited.

“I don’t know what,” Evie said. “I’m just getting a bit intense about everything right now, I think.”

“I remember.”

Evie looked at her.

“Exams,” Natalie said. “They’re awful. I remember, is all.”

“Oh,” Evie said. “Yeah, of course.”

Natalie had never thought she’d have to worry about exams again, and especially not have to stay calm around someone else’s exam stress, but she was glad she was. Evie’s exam stress was part of Evie’s life, and of Evie being there, and Natalie was unspeakably glad of that.

“I’m really sorry,” Evie said, after a moment. “I honestly didn’t mean to start anything, I promise. And I didn’t mean it to end up where it did, and I completely want to just wait and see what happens with us, with no pressure, if that’s what you want to do too?”

She spoke fast, saying it all at once, as if it was something she’d prepared. Natalie wondered if she had.

“Yes, of course,” Natalie said.

“Really?”

Natalie kissed her. “Of course.”

Evie smiled, and hugged her, and that seemed to be that.

“Sit down,” Evie said. “It’s ready.”

Evie started to serve, and Natalie went and got wine, and left the bottle on the table, with a glass for Evie, but didn’t pour because Evie usually didn’t when she was going to be studying later. They ate, and talked about nothing, and it was all perfectly, utterly domestic, and exactly what Natalie needed to make her feel safe after that morning.