Courage

Chapter 9. The call

"I don't know, I saw his call when I woke up."

"And why didn't you answer?" Rose protested on the other side of the phone.

"First, I was sleeping, my phone was silent. Second, why Colin called?"  I was trying to figure out why Colin had called me. I haven't spoken to him in two months.

Why now?

"There is only one way to find out"

You wish!

"I'm not going to call him! What am I supposed to say?"

I mean. Really?

The last time I saw him we kissed in his car and I don't know what would have happened if I had allowed him to continue.

I still don't know how I could resist that, because at that moment all I wanted was him.
I wanted to take off his shirt.
And yes, I have imagined that moment so many times in my head.

I never wanted anyone as much as I wanted him.

"I don't know. I guess you should wait for him to call again."  Rose's voice got me out of my thoughts, I had completely forgotten that she was on the phone.

"Okay, I don't want to talk about this. I'll take my day off to walk with Ava, I need some fresh air."

Rose snorted. "Talk later." She said and I smiled.

"Thank you for listening"

"Always, mozza. Bye"

"Bye", I said and I put my cell phone in my pocket

It's a beautiful sunny day.

I took the last sip of my coffee, already cold, staring out the window at the clear sky.
I sighed.
I needed to get out of my room.

I took my sunglasses and my headphones and left my room with Ava behind me.

After walking for an hour, I was more tired than Ava. This little one still has the energy to continue.

I found a small bar away from the big stores that admit pets.

I took Ava in my arms and stepped inside. I sat at a table next to a large window, I could see everything that was going on around me.

The place was so quiet that I decided to take out the book I was carrying in my small wallet and start reading.
Soft music accompanied my reading.

This was perfect.

I was finishing my coffee when my cell phone rang. I gave a little jump, I was so focused on my book that the ringtone sound scared me.

An icy stream ran through my body when I saw his name on the screen.

Colin.

I took a deep breath.

"Hey you", he said before I could speak. My heart raced when I heard his voice.

"Hey..." I murmured. I could barely utter a word.

"I was afraid you wouldn't answer my call. I... I just... I don't know, I guess...

He was stammering.

"I wanted to talk to you, Jen" he managed to say after a few seconds. "Millie is a very beautiful little girl, Evan has been a bit nervous but I think it's normal. I can barely sleep at night, but I'm very happy. I don't know, I needed to talk to someone."

"Colin" I said with tears in my eyes.

I cleared my throat so I could continue talking but he interrupted me, "I really wanted to share this with you"

I wasn't able to speak. I had a lump in my throat.

"Jen, I know you're upset- he started to say but this time I was the one who interrupted him.

"That's great! I'm so happy for you, Colin!" My voice broke.

I imagined Colin and his family.

Helen. Evan. Millie.

I imagined Helen standing next to Colin, with the little baby in his arms.
A deep pain hit my chest. I closed my eyes and pressed my right hand to my chest. I tried to catch my breath.

"Are you...? Woo! Thanks! That means a lot for me. Oh God, I missed talking to you, Morrison." he said.

And I miss YOU. I thought.

"So... how is Helen?"

"She's perfectly fine."

And that's when I burst into tears. I couldn't bear him saying all those things. I couldn't stand it.

Of course I was happy for him, I really was. But I can't help the pain.

Loving someone who is in love with another person is very painful.

Why me?

"Jen?"

"Yes?" My voice was barely a whisper.

And of course Colin noticed that I was crying.

"What's going on? I don't-"  I cut whatever he wanted to tell me.

"I have to go, Colin." I said a little more clearly.

"Wait! Jen!"

I put my cell phone in the pocket of my jacket, I left the money on the table and practically ran out of there.

I walked to the hotel without being able to stop crying.

When I entered my room I took a pillow, I buried my head in it and I screamed.

I screamed with all my strength.
I cried out of helplessness, of rage, of pain.

This has to stop! My head is going to explode. And I think my heart will explode too.
The pain I felt in my chest was unbearable. I tried to compose myself but could not stop crying.

***

I decided to take a shower.

20 minutes under the intense rain of hot water were enough to recompose my breathing and help the pain in my chest slowly disappear.

I stepped out of the shower and stood in front of the mirror, I passed my right hand over it to remove the part that was fogged. I looked at myself thinking about how I had let all this go so far.

I need to move on. I need to forget about him.

I deserve someone who loves me.
Someone who makes me happy.
Someone who wants to form a family with me.

Two weeks ago Jamie had insisted on introducing me to someone and I had completely refused.

All my relationships have failed. I do not know what's wrong with me, but I always end up heartbroken.

Well, if I want to forget about Colin, I should at least try to meet someone.

I wrapped my body in a towel and I grabbed my phone to call Jamie.