~L~
October 29, 2013
After Sunday, everything seemed perfect. I liked her, she liked me, simple as that. Except for the fact that I haven't seen or heard from her for a week.
For the first three days, I assumed that she was sick.
On the fourth day, I went to her house, only to be greeted by an empty home. This is when I starting thinking something was wrong.
And now, I'm sort of freaking out. At school, I've just been keeping my head down and doing my work. But at night, I lay there and think about what I'd done wrong...how I drove her away. I haven't slept since the fourth day. I can't call her either, considering we never really traded numbers or anything and I don't know anyone who'd have her number anyway. I tried to talk to that James kid I've seen her with a few times, but he told me to fuck off. The nerve he has to tell me to fuck off, after the shit he's done? It's it's quite hilarious.
Fuck, I sound so pathetic-pining over a girl who I haven't even seen for a week, and before that it's only been a couple of weeks that we've really 'known' each other.
~
I close the tattered notebook and shut my eyes, aggravated. Where the hell could she be? God, I'm starting to sound like an obsessive boyfriend, and she's not even mine for fucks sake. I need to get out of here. I need to stop thinking about her. I need to find a distraction.
Without thinking about it twice, I grab my laptop and start at work...this is going to be great.
~F~
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
These two words have been going through my mind all day. Almost as if I need to keep reminding myself that if I don't keep breathing, I'll end up like the body of my mother being buried deep into the ground as we speak although, I cannot speak. I cannot process. I cannot cry, nor smile because I am merely numb.
I never believed that I loved her, my mother, but I know now and I wish I told her more often. That said, I still somewhat believed that she had to know how much I cared for her, considering taking care of her and paying off her medical bills instead of saving or spending. But money doesn't matter right now. I still need to sort out all of my school-related business and pack up my things. The state figured out that Andrew didn't really live with me 24/7 and deemed him an unfit guardian. So, the next in line is my Aunt Linda. I hate Aunt Linda. She has two kids a little younger than me, Seth and Rose. Aunt Linda always tried to be the cool adult (letting her kids party all the time, drinking with them, that kind of stuff). I always though my mom was bad, Linda's way worse. But here's the worst part...Aunt Linda lives in New York. That's about 7 hours away from DC (A/N the story is set in Washington DC hahaha). It's not a bad flight, but it still means that I have to change schools and that my credits I've been saving up to graduate early are gone...*poof*.
And God, I have no clue what to do about Luke. I finally have a guy who I think likes me and suddenly I'm moving. I wonder if he thinks about why I haven't been at school or home or work. Currently, I'm living out of a suitcase in the hotel Linda is staying in. Oh yeah, one more fun fact about Aunt Linda-she has a ton of money that she wastes on silly things. She drives a God damned refinished, re-vamped cherry red 1967 Chevy Impala. Why can't she just drive a Volvo or something simple?
So my life has kind of fallen apart. I haven't spoken to Luke since our sleepover. Considering the circumstances, I still can't help but smile whenever I think about the gentle way his strong hands cupped my face or when his soft lips worked their way against mine or the way he would occasionally pepper small kisses all over my face. Jeez, I'm going insane, he probably hasn't even thought twice about it. What if he thought it was just a friends-with-benefits deal? Oh, god. Fuck.
No.
I can't get attached to him now, I'm about to move 7 hours away. I can't do that to him.
Why does liking someone mean that you have all this inner turmoil bullshit? That's exactly what it is-bullshit.
I quickly check my watch and stand up, smoothing out my black velvet dress that I borrowed from Rose for the funeral. The burial is almost over so, I start making my way to the building that the ceremony will be held in, reciting my short speech over and over again in my head.
---
"Now we will have a few words from Finley." The priest introduces me, as I step up to the microphone.
"My mother was a very kind soul. She always did the right thing and will be dearly missed." I start, noting the voice in my head chanting 'liar liar liar liar liar'. Fuck this. "Well, I'm not going to lie, she never did anything right. It sounds harsh, but she was always very deeply disturbed. She had demons inside of her that even I couldn't make go away. My mother was someone who would go on for hours and hours about how she would wake up early the next day and get all the chores done, and then lay in bed, convincing herself that they weren't that important. Somehow, I always knew that I would end up doing all the chores. I could stand up here and lie and say that she would've loved this ceremony, but she would have hated it. If we're going to thank God for anything, let's thank him for taking her and stopping her eternal suffering. Sorry if this was a bit messy, but yeah." I smile politely, stepping down from the stand and walking back to my seat only to be greeted by a harsh look from Andrew, great.
___________
Sorry if this is really shitty, I didn't really proof it either so, please be kind. Please leave any comments or questions you have down below. Thank you so much for 1.6K!!! I really love all of you and can't wait for this book to really get started! Xxx
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