P.S - I'm Not Your Barbie

I Did It for Him (ch.13)

"You want me, to shoot him, in the heart, to become part of your gang that I don't even want to be in, and kill him, so I don't die? You are sick in the head Jesse, the power to make me vomit uncontrollably kind of sick." I say, looking at him right in the eyes so that he understands, at least to some level, my repulsion.

I turn away from him and start walking towards the two large doors that impressed me so much earlier, but right now disgust me. This is how he got all of this money, all of this power, by killing people. It’s revolting.

 Unfortunately, I never reached the door safely because of the bullet zooming past my head. If my head was only an inch to the left, the sleek black gun that I picked earlier, would have shot a bullet straight though my brain, killing me in the process. I would have had a bullet through my brain. I jump at the sound and turn back towards him.  One thing is for sure, you never turn your back on your enemy, especially if he has a gun. It's dangerous, so don't make a mistake like I did, especially if your life in on the line.

"Get back here now Jessica!" He yells, his voice booming inside the four walls surrounding me.

I feel the walls slowly creep closer and closer to me, making me feel uncomfortable and fidgety. I feel my tough girl exterior start to break down, fear seeping through my pores. How am I going to get out of this situation? I don't want to join his gang. I don't want to die. And I sure as hell, don't want to kill that little boy that doesn't look a day over 12.

Maybe I should just let him kill me, but I am not a coward. I shouldn't show fear towards the person that is currently holding me captive. I remember when I was smaller, somebody told me when a person shows weakness, it is easier to force them into submission because you know you over power them.

You can do this. You'll find a way out of this. Just go up to him, do as he says, but the second his guard comes down, when he sees you raise the gun, change direction, point it at his leg, and shoot. After all, Jesse's an ass; I won't have trouble shooting him.

I feel my pep talk lifting some of the weight off my shoulders, calming me. I can do this. I straighten my back and turn around.

I walk with confidence towards the idiot, smirking at the images currently playing inside my head. Oh pretty boy, you won't expect to see what's coming at you. Literally. The bullet will come at you at such a speed, you won't see it coming. You will feel it though... I almost laugh at the thought before I remember that I should keep my guard up.

My steps quicken as I come closer to Jesse, feeling the anticipation grow inside of me. When I am half a foot away from him, he grabs me arm and presses my back against his chest. My breath grows quicker as I realise that my plan may no longer work. Somebody will die. Suddenly, a different tactic comes to mind.

"Why don't you just shoot me the Jesse?" I ask in a mocking tone, pretending to feel no fear. My face is stone-like, no emotion, and my guard has its highest walls up.

"Oh really? Did you really think that I had some sort of compassion, some sort of heart? Sweetie, I have killed more men that have ever even looked at you. I won't have a problem killing you, you do understand that, right? You seem like a smart girl. Choose wisely, you... Or the boy?" He tells me as if this is what you would say at a casual brunch.

I stand there, still as a statue, pressed against Jesse's front, thinking over the possibilities. I can't escape, I can't shoot the kid, and I can't die. These words seem to be on a repeat in my mind, as if I am trying to solve a riddle. Except this riddle, can save me or kill me. Honestly, I don't know which one is better, Jesse was right; I don't have anybody or anything to live for anyways.

If I kill the boy; somebody who I do not even know the name of, I will be stuck living a life of killing and of destroying families. I will sell illegal things, do illegal things, and learn to be ready to get caught at any time. My life will be ticking bomb, all because I killed a kid, all because I will have sealed my fate with a bullet.

If I don't kill the boy, I will die instead, or at least, before he does. All in all, the kid won't have a good outcome. Instead of one death, there will be two, and there is nothing I can do about it.

I feel the handle of the gun being pressed into the palm of my hand, my fingers curling around the objet, "Shoot."

There is only ringing in my ears as I watch the unknown boy fall to the ground, the life draining out of him in the process.  I try not to think of the life I have taken, as selfish as that sounds. I try to remember the fact that he would have killed him anyways, more ruthlessly, but there is an ache in my heart that I fear will never disappear.

Fear. It surrounds me, as much as I try to push it away. It's inevitable. I am supposed to be strong and fearless, feelings are no longer welcome. They say that being human, is being able to feel emotions. If I am no longer able to feel, does that make me something that is not a human? If I am no longer human, then what am I?

I don't have an answer for myself, no matter how much I think of it while I feel myself being directed out of the room. As we walk through the halls that entranced me earlier, I only see blurry scenery. I killed somebody today, and this is just the beginning. Am I ready for the life I will now have? Am I ready to live a life where no feelings can be found; where I am no longer the self I used to be? Am I ready to become some... Thing cruel, calculating, and ruthless?

I no longer have a choice; I made my decision when I shot the boy in the heart. At least, he died in the most peaceful kind of way, and I hope that he somehow knows that I was trying to save him. Even if it meant that he had to die.

I am snapped out of my thoughts when I hear a door suddenly slam shut. I observe my surroundings and find the similarities that I noticed in Jesse's office, when I first arrived.

"Congratulations are in order Jessica. You had your first kill, I know every first is scary, but you will get used to it. I'm sure." Jesse says while going to stand behind his desk in front on me. He motions for me to sit down. I do.

"I didn't do it because I wanted to become part of your gang; I did it because I knew that if I didn't, he would have died a much more painful death than the one I had given him. I didn't do it for you or me, I did it for him." I tell him while I sit down on one of the leather chairs.

He nods, "As long as that helps you sleep at night sweetheart, we don't want my employees to be tired and weak now do we? Anyways, now that initiation is done, we have to decide what your job is going to be. So what are you good at? Stealing? Maybe... Seducing? No, not that one... Killing? Possible... Any ideas on what you want to do here?"

"How about I chop your head off and feed it to my dogs? I'm pretty sure I'll be able to excel at that." I tell him, feeling my infamous attitude come back.

Once again, I am grabbed by Jesse and pulled forward, my stomach being squished by the desk, "You will never defy me, understand?" I nod. "You will follow my orders, and you will be part of my team, there is no room for discussion," he stays, his voice filled with finality.

While he was talking to me, I did not notice the metal bracelet he snapped onto my wrist, “This is your new piece of jewellery or as I like to call it, your own personal tracking device. Don't you ever think of taking it off because it is programmed to only unlock itself with my own DNA. Don't you ever think of running, because you will be caught and the consequences will not be pretty. Finally, don't you ever try to start something against me, because you will not win. You know what they say, quit while you're behind."

I glance down at the bracelet and then look back at him once again. I nod once. He smirks. He thinks this is over, he thinks that he has over powered me. Let's keep this a secret between you and me, it isn't. There's a reason people don't think of me as a Barbie.

End of chapter 13, if you liked it please Comment or Vote. Thanks. Write to you later,

-R