Trigger and Bullets

bullet 21 - the lost chapter

Maraming katanungan ang masasagot sa kabantang ito. I've been waiting for this time to finally write this one. Naisulong din. =)

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I cannot go. You cannot go.

Not when you are still standing and staring at my back.

You cannot go.  I cannot go.

 

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Bullet twenty one

The past weeks had been making me crazy. If I had to sum up in figures everything that had happened since I witnessed the first death---on my first day in college---to this unwelcomed reunion with Dana, it would be exponential. It had been piling up to the extent that silently screaming in my head and wrecking things were not enough to appease my sanity. So I found myself being physical and ended up hurting myself. Nasasalat ko na ang pagkadislocate ng aking mga buto sa aking kamao.

“Dana Easton, fight back!” I screamed on her face. But she didn’t even move. Tumititig lamang siya sa akin habang nagbubuhos ako ng galit sa kanya.

“Loose-fitting screws…” bulong niya nang nakangiti. Ugh!

Marahil ay tama siya. Kasing-nipis na lamang ng sinulid ang harang sa pagitan ng aking katinuan mula sa pagtanggap na isa na akong hibang. I lost the ability on keeping tabs on what was happening, parang may isang mahalagang kabanata ang hindi ko nabasa at kung kailan magulo na ang lahat ay doon ko lamang napansin ang kulang na mga pahinang iyon. It was like that. Dana was the lost chapter. I didn't have any explanation why was she not doing anything as my slaps and punches hit her body. She stayed lying on the ground---vulnerable and seemed to be weak---as I allowed my insanity to manipulate me.

"Fight back!"

Muli ay ngumiti lamang siya sa akin habang hinahawakan ko siya sa mga braso at pilit na itinatayo. Nang makatayo na kami ay sabay pa namin ipinunas ang sarisariling braso sa noo, naramdaman ko ang gaspang ng alikabok at buhangin sa aking mukha. Bakit hindi niya ako nilalabanan? Bakit hinahayaan niya na lang na paduguin ko ang labi niya?

"No. If I fight back wala kang laban. Enjoy being the tigress now habang hinahayaan pa kita, then I'll show you how to use claws and sharp teeth later.”

Triple darn. Ganoon pala. Pinapauna niya ako dahil alam niyang wala akong laban sa isang kagaya niya. How could I stand talking to my traitor? I clearly remembered every shitz she did to me! Siguro ay hindi ganito kasing-hirap kung wala akong beyond normal na memorya. I think I was still lucky that mine was not as good and flawless like the brain of my mother. But still memories stayed, even the dark ones I wished to erase permanently.

"Oo nga pala, ganoon ka. Bigla bigla ka na lang mangangagat!" I snapped.

Her smile grew wider until she motioned she will bite me. Uh! I tackled her on the ground again. Crap, bakit ba wala na akong alam gawin kundi ang i-wrestle lang siya? It was so clear I was not used to girl fights, hindi ko alam ang aking ginagawa. Maybe from an outsiders' eyes para akong isang tanga na patama nang patama basta may matamaan lang. I tangled my hands on her hair then tugged it hard. Crowning glory for us, girls, one of our weakest spots. Naningkit ang kanyang mga mata habang pinagtatagumpayan ko ang paghila sa kanyang maalon na buhok.