Trigger and Bullets

bullet 12 - desensitized

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Bullet twelve

The hospital bed dipped beneath someone’s weight and I remained eyes closed. “Sweetie…” narinig kong bulong ni Mommy habang hinahaplos ang aking buhok. I felt her shifting nearer then she hugged me. I tried to peel off her hands ngunit pareho kami ng katigasan ng ulo. Go away. I’d rather be alone in a black hole now than taste a twinge of sympathy from anyone. Ayaw ko sa lahat na ako'y kinakaawaan.

For the last three days—that I spent at the hospital with dextrose and machines—I was questioning life. Life is a gift, they say. Oh, that's bull. It was nothing but a mandatory job. That’s one thing about life, it continues even when it turns to be a pain in the ass.

“I’m going now,” she whispered on my ear. See? She'll leave me! Uh! Lump started forming in my throat, this warned me that I would cry again. I rolled to face the wall, and my Mom released me. There—without my permission—a fresh tear rolled from my effin traitor eye.

“Venice, ito ba ang babaunin ko sa aking pag-alis?” pabulong na tanong nila. Just leave me, like what he did.

Naalala ko na naman ang pangyayaring mas humiwa sa akin kaysa sa pagsayad sa motor at karahasan ni Dana. Permanente ang hiwa na ito, hindi kagaya sa pisikal na mga sugat ko na nag-uumpisa nang gumaling. I bit my lip as I remembered...

 

Mga daliri ko ang una kong naramdaman nang magising ako. At unti-unti kong naramdaman ang hapdi at sakit sa aking buong katawan. Pagkamulat ko ay nasinag agad ako sa lakas ng ilaw na bumabalot sa puting silid. Madali kong natukoy na ako’y nasa ospital.

 

The face of my Mom was the first face that I saw.

 

“Mo—mmmy?"

 

She smiled. Then there was my Dad. Kaarawan ko lang ang pagkakataon na nagsasama-sama kaming tatlo so at a point I wanted to check the calendar. Inakala kong nalipasan ako ng ilang araw na natutulog kaya tumalon ang petsa sa kaarawan ko.

 

“Daddy?”

 

He stood up from where he was sitting. He slowly walked towards my hospital bed.

 

And then he slapped me.

 

“Anong akala mo sa kapasidad mo? Magagawa mong pigilan ang grupong iyon? Wala kang utak!” he screamed. I slowly put a hand on my cheek and took in what happened. Masakit ang aking buong katawan ngunit bigla akong namanhid dahil sa sakit na dulot ng sarili kong ama. My mom was on his side by now, restraining him.

 

“Go to hell! The both of you!” he shouted then my Mom slapped him.

 

I saw him pushing my Mom. “STOPPP!I" yelled. Napaupo si mommy sa lapag.

 

“Hindi siya mamamatay kung hindi ka nagtapang-tapangan!” sigaw ulit ni daddy sa akin, nakaturo ang kanyang isang kamay sa akin at galit na galit ang kanyang mukha. “Wala kang kwenta, Venice! Wala kang silbi! Kayong dalawa ang krus ng buhay ko!” Itinuro niya kami ni mommy. Bumalik ang masakit na tingin niya sa akin. “Sana’y ikaw na lang ang namatay!”