PRE-WARNING: This chapter gets a little rated.
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Holy shit.
I just left Blaire's room and rushed into mine, my heart is thumping in my chest. I am never going to get that image out of my head. I lean back against the door and slump down to the ground; my hand runs over my face to calm me down.
'Don't do this', I say to myself as I grip the carpet beneath me. My breath is coming out ragged. This isn't fair. You can't think of her like this, she isn't ready. Stop, Stop, Stop I chant in my head but the more I try to stop the more times I see her, lying on that bed, stretching out, her chest arched up and my hoodie getting tugged up revealing a little soft skin above her hip bones. Then there is that moan, my head drops back against the door as I replay it over and over again. Amoux is losing control and fast. How is she meant to move in tomorrow when I'm like this? I scrunch up my face. I need to gain control, I need to have some release. My mind is going fuzzy. I close my eyes to try and clear my mind, to try and gain back some good judgement but when I do all I see is her stretching out than moaning and then it repeats. Except each time, she has less and less clothes on.
I'm throbbing and I know it is wrong, but I can't help it. 'It's for her' I try and reason. If I don't let out steam than I could do something I really regret and before I can stop myself my hand is in my pants and has gripped the base. I sigh in relief and then after an embarrassing amount of strokes I come. My tummy tenses as I come down from my high. I let out a few more ragged breaths and enjoy the last bits of euphoria before the guilt sets in.
Than all at once, it's over and I am left sitting on the floor in my room, covered in sweat, alone.
'What have I done'
***
After a shower, I come down stairs to the kitchen, I head to the fridge and after mulling over the ingredients I settle on an apple in the fruit bowl and slouch down in a chair on the kitchen counter. All through my shower I was trying to justify to myself, that what I did needed to be done but no matter how many times I tell myself that I can't help shake the feeling I crossed a line.
I saw her naked, and this wasn't like the first time in that horrible place when all I saw was my mate hurt and broken, this time I sexualized her. I took what I knew about her and used it for my own pleasure. How can she love me after that, how can she trust me after that? I am meant to be the one who is looking after her, but what am I doing. Jerking myself off while she tries to get over the trauma.
I sink my teeth into the apple and feel a drop of juice roll down my chin. I'm too exhausted from this inward battle to wipe it away. So, I just let it fall and land on the counter where it forms the tiniest of puddles. I stare at it, getting lost in its reflection when footsteps bring me out of my trance.
"Hey"
I turn to see Chase walk in. He pulls up a chair next to me and takes a seat. After a moment Chase speaks up, "You okay?"
Am I okay? I mull this over for a second. No, I'm not okay. I'm an asshole. "I did something bad" I say and look back down at the droplet on the counter.
He looks at me and then nods, understanding what I did. "Don't beat yourself up" he says calmly. This gets me.
"Don't beat myself up" I repeat astonished. "How am I not meant to, I am exactly the same as the guys who I saved her from." I argue back.
Chase frowns at me, "Mate, you can't be serious?" he questions.
"Oh, can't I" I argue back getting louder. "I lost control don't you get that, I lost it and it is only matter of time before I lose it again and this time she might be caught between me and a wall." My voice cracks when I end the sentence imaging what I am capable of.
Silence sets over us. It is only after a couple of minutes when Chase speaks up again.
"you're not like those guys, those guys didn't tear themselves apart after what they did. They didn't care about her. You do and I know deep down you would never do anything to hurt her. I don't care how much you think you could, you couldn't. I understand this is hard for you, I can't even imagine what it is like to not be able to even touch your mate but you need to stay strong and stay in control and if that means doing what you need to do in order to remain in control than do it." He pauses for a second than says "She needs you right now"
Another moment of silence then I nod. Chase gives me a pat on the back and then gets up and leaves. After finishing my apple, I head back up to my room and lay down on my bed and think about what Chase said. Than after a while I start thinking about Blaire. After a long debate with myself I settle on one thought. One day, one day I am going to make her feel as good as she makes me feel.
This however prompted some thoughts that made my member jump up. This time however I slipped my hand down there without any regret and relaxed in bed thinking about how I could please her if I were ever so lucky to be that intimate with her. I imagined looking up at her over top her tummy as her head sunk into the pillow and with that thought I came for the second time tonight.
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Poor Ben, he is just going through it.
This chapter is dedicated to WolfGirl5795, Happy Belated Birthday 😃. I'm sorry I couldn't do it on Sunday, had a very busy weekend :/
Hope you all enjoyed this chapter.
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The Beta's Broken Mate
WerewolfI look back to Ben. His arms were big and his tummy toned, there were a few scars here are there. He was a fighter. He was someone who could look after themselves, and look at me, clinging onto him for dear life. Me, I'm a coward. Always been a cowa...
