Empathy [Josh Dun - Twenty One Pilots]

THIRTY THREE

The sun hadn't even shown up when Joshua reached the cemetery. The night wasn't as dark as it used to, sure, but there was just enough light for the boy not to use the flashlight of his phone. 

He hadn't planned it this way. Originally, Tyler and he had agreed on getting a good night's sleep, before driving up in the morning. Tyler would have stayed in the car while Josh did what he had to do, and then they would figure out the next step together. But as soon as his head had hit the pillow, Josh knew he wouldn't be able to sleep at all. His mind was racing, his thoughts twisting in a morose dance, torn between fear and relief, apprehension and nervousness. 

Josh tried. He tried to close his eyes, turn off his brain, focus on his breathing. He even tried counting sheep, but his mind could only count reasons to stay in bed... or not. So after a few hours of turning over between the sheets, the boy decided there was just no use in waiting for the sun to rise. He had packed up a bag, filled it with snacks and water and, around 4 in the morning, and gone out the door, carefully missing the creaking step of the staircase so as not to wake up his mother. 

The walk was long and tedious - the hill going up to the cemetery was the steepest in town - but Josh reached his target just as the sky started to turn a little less black, a little more purple. His heart was pumping hard in his chest, possibly from the exhausting walk, but also and more plausibly from the apprehension. 

Josh had never visited his little sister's tomb. He didn't even know what it looked like, nor did he know where it stood in the cemetery, but he was hopeful he would find it. The place wasn't big, or so he had heard. 

He stopped at the gate, looking through the old metallic fence that had undoubtedly seen better days just long enough to catch his breath. Tombstones were perfectly aligned in rows, and from where he stood, Josh could see which ones had had visitors in the last few days, and which ones had been abandoned, wild weed growing all around and taking over the stone. He hoped Abby's was clean. She deserved it. 

With trembling hands, Josh unlocked the gate and pushed it, the creaking of the old barrier resonating strangely in the silence. Josh shivered at the thought of visiting such a place when it was still dark outside before he remembered the aim of his visit. Slowly, the boy made his way to the first row of tombstones, this time using the light of his phone to read the names carved on the graves. 

It took him a moment to find what he was looking for, but when Abby's name popped up into the light, Josh let out a breath he didn't know he was holding before a sad smile crept up on his face. Her grave was nothing like the others.

First of all, it was white. Unlike the dull dark gray of regular stone, this one was made out of a shiny material - marble maybe? Josh didn't know anything about it - that stood out from its surrounding. Above all that, Josh was relieved to see that the small sepulcher was taken care of. No weed was taking over, no dirt was even blemishing the stone. Fresh flowers - or as fresh as could be - even stood in a nice pot on each side of it. Josh noticed they were all lilies. White, and pink, but also purple - Abby's favorites. His mother's deed, maybe.

The sky was now turning pink, and Josh kneeled down, reaching out to touch it. It was cold yet smooth, and the boy let his fingers trace the name of his sister before they lingered on the picture right beside it.

Abby was the cutest little girl Josh had ever known. Staring at the picture of his red-headed sister, Josh ironically thought that she held life in her eyes. Oh, how he wished she was still there, spreading sparkles and glitter as she walked around the house, screaming and laughing as she jumped on the trampoline. He even missed her screams at night when she had woken up in tears from a nightmare, or the nights she would join him in bed when she was scared of the thunderstorms and her cold little feet would wake him up in a jump. 

Josh looked up at the sky, trying to prevent the tears that had built up on the corner of his eyes to run down his cheeks - in vain - and it suddenly dawned on him that for such a long time, he had tried to suppress any memory he had of her. And that wasn't right.

Abby deserved more than that. She deserved to be remembered for the joy and love she had brought him and his family for her whole short life. She deserved more than a hushed name pronounced every once in a while on the anniversary of her death or on her birthday. 

"Abby-" Josh whispered as if answering his own thoughts, his hand lingering again on her name carved in the marble. "Abby, I'm sorry."

Tears were now flowing freely down his cheeks, and Josh thoughtlessly tried drying them up with the sleeves of his hoodie. A cool wind was now rising, ruffling weeds and flowers on its way to new horizons. 

"I'm sorry I never wanted to have a cup of tea with you and your dolls," Josh started again, desperately wishing his voice was steadier. "I'm sorry I yelled at you that one time you spilled milk on my comic books. And I'm sorry I would never let you win whenever I allowed you to play Mario Kart with me. I wish I had been a better brother to you. I wish I had watched over you like a big brother should have. I wish I could have been able to save you. And you know, sometimes I wish I had been taken instead of y-"

His voice caught up in his throat this time, and as he choked on the last words, Josh let his head down on the stone, the cold material refreshing against his boiling skin.

"Abby, I hope you know," he continued in the same position, his eyes closed, tears still escaping and landing from his cheeks onto the marble, "I hope you know that you've been loved every single day, every single second of your life. I hope you know that you still are, and you will be loved for as long as your family lives. I promise you that, and I'll keep this promise."

Josh was now almost hugging the tombstone, holding on to it like he held onto Abby's lifeless body, a few minutes after he heard that stranger's car drive away. Like he'd never let her go. 

"I also hope that-" Josh stopped to catch some air, sniffling and muffling his sobs with the sleeve of his hoodie, now damp. "I also hope that wherever you are now, you're happy, and you're watching over me like I couldn't watch over you... And I hope you're not mad at me for not saving you."

The wind was stronger now. Josh could feel it seep through his hoodie and shivered slightly as he perked up his head to the sound of a car stopping by the gates. The boy fell back on his butt, relieved of the words that had poured out of him, and a small smile appeared on his lips as he tried desperately to dry his tears. But his hoodie was too damp, and he was just smearing the warm liquid all over his face instead, but the didn't care. 

After one last look at his little sister's grave, Josh stood up and walked towards the car where an anxious Tyler was waiting, resting his back on the side door. The teenagers exchanged a hug without a single word. Josh was too weak right now to close himself off, so he was sure Tyler could feel his thoughts anyway, even though he couldn't feel his anymore. 

Finally, after they had agreed - still without a word - that they would talk only after Josh had gotten some sleep, they both entered the car, their hair all ruffled by the strong wind. But just as Josh was about to close the door, a sudden gust blew so strong that a flower, probably coming from the cemetery, landed on the windshield. Josh leaned over to get rid of it, and his heart grew ten times at the sight of it.

A purple lily flower.

Josh picked it up from the hood of the car and finally entered, holding strongly to the flower. The sadness of potentially losing his abilities hadn't kicked in yet, but somehow Josh knew that no matter what happened now, he had made the right decision. 

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If I stick to my plan, there are only two chapters left (and a possible epilogue) until the very end of this story and my heart is heavy.