Dependence

Chapter VI: Hear No Evil

The cigarette burned my throat. Tears streamed down my face as the stress was once again getting to me. I found my solace when I was around Marshall, and when he leaves, the facade fades. I must live with the repercussion of my life. I cannot repair the things I have caused. I cannot escape this anymore but, I can try. Looking up, I saw Nico with a look of concern. I looked so pitiful, but I knew Nico was enjoying every second of my pain. I didn't say anything, as Nico stood staring at me not wanting to break the silence. Not a word was said, because I knew the second I would talk I would fall apart; more than I already was. This would probably be the last time I would see Nico. My decision was made to officially to leave the United States to the United Kingdom. At least then I would no longer have the shadow looming over him. Nico stayed with me until he left that night. Nico stopped me before he left and hugged me. I didn't hug back. It would be the last time I would hurt him.

After work, Marshall drove me home. Before leaving, we kissed. I felt the heat spreading through us both as we did. I let it last longer than usual. Marshall caressed my cheek as he pulled back. "So, what will it be?"

I forced myself to pull the handle of the door. I took a long pause before I decided to continue. All my fears aside, I took in a breath. "I will go with you." Hearing the words out loud made it have more of a finality. "A-" I choked out, trying to keep the tears at bay. "And I will stay with you once we move there. I don't want to leave." Calming myself, I opened the door and got out. When Marshall left, I whispered to myself "ever".

I looked at the shell of the home I had lived in for five years. It held no type of sentimental value to me. It felt no Marshalls on my life. The only thing that it reminded me of was Nico. We used to go to his house to talk. I would even make excuses to go see him. For the best, Nico would forget about me. I would never forgive myself, even if I wasn't in control because of the pills. I should have known.

Taking to my room, I began to pack up clothing. I came across some of Nico's shirts he left over. The pain I felt, the deep sadness, was endless. I finished packing clothing, with some of Nico's stuff that I'd liked. My eyes, and my throat were raw. Even my heart seemed to be pained. Every movement took time and effort. Every breath felt like needles digging in deeper as I came across photos of Nico and me. I made it through the week without a problem, and was off to the United Kingdom.

People always said before you leave the states was always the hard part but it isn't. The hard part is the act of leaving. Knowing that you'll never be able to tie loose ends with people or leave on a better tune. That's the hard part. As I sat on the plane that night, I looked up from the pill bottle held in my hands to Marshall. He was already asleep, his jet-black hair tousled messily. I notice now that when I left I had Nico wanted to speak to me. Maybe to clear things up. The decision I made wasn't a good one, but I couldn't do much unmedicated. Now I could think clearly. I wasn't ready for the United Kingdom. Especially when the voices keep screaming at me to go back to the United States. Knowing Marshall, that wouldn't be an opportunity. He isn't prone to moving unless something major happens.

I went to sleep a couple minutes later, but woke to Marshall sleep talking. "Damion..."

He continued to repeat my name "What?"

"I want you." He paused. I thought he was going to wake up but he didn't "I'm going crazy. I can't keep my mind straight. Everything is shattering and I can't fix it."

"What's shattering?"

"My relationships. I had sex with you once and it fucked up what Nico and I had going." I didn't respond, but he continued. "He wanted to marry me. He never really talked a lot. He took what we had for granted."

"What about me?"

"I want to beat you." I bit my lip. "I want to beat you so-" I was about to stop him, "-bad. But I know that's not what you want. I am trying to be good for you. I don't know what to do. I want to control you."